XOXO and Other Affectionate Letters
by Guttersnipe
Summary: Staring at the script, a pervasive sinking feeling swept through Sasuke. "You're actually serious, aren't you?" "Oh, I'm always serious about my porn, Sasuke. That's just not something you joke about." "I'm not acting in your porno, you sick, sick man."
1. Chapter 1

XOXO and Other Affectionate Letters

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Chapter 1**

Sometimes Life was a real dick. The kind of dick that was unbearably obnoxious when sober and _unbelievably_ obnoxious when drunk and just plain unbelievably unbearable when he was throwing up all over your dress. Today was one of those 'sometimes'.

Everything was a mess. Everything was wrong. Everything was working against her.

Including her teammates.

She stood in the doorway, form rigid, staring at the scene that had greeted her when she had been rudely awakened by strange sounds coming from her kitchen early that morning.

There was Naruto, face buried in a ramen package, tearing at the plastic with his teeth like a hungry little mouse. Or rat. Or racoon. Or—considering the state of her kitchen—bear. Plastic packaging was strewn everywhere. Broth puddles dappled her counter and table. Curiously, not a single stray noodle littered the area, but the crumbs from some other 'snack' more than made up for that. There were pots and dishes she didn't even know she owned, strewn across her counter and piled high in her sink. Cupboard doors were left wide open, revealing now-half-empty shelves that lacked their usual organized tidiness. It was a pig sty. It could have passed for _Naruto's_ kitchen.

Her jaw cracked as it clenched harder at the thought.

"Sakura-chan! About time you got up!" the blonde ramenvore shouted around the packing in his mouth, when he noticed the girl standing there.

"What. are. you. doing. here?" she clipped out, face barely moving as she held onto her temper by mere fingertips.

"Waiting for you to get up!" he answered loudly, not noticing Sakura's fierce cringe at the sound assailing her sleep-sensitive ears.

"Why... Why..." She couldn't even finish her question; her ire was infringing on her still-sleepy thought processes.

"We've got a mission today, dattebayo! And it's almost time to leave! We thought we'd come get you here, to save time, but you were still asleep, so we decided to wait a bit, let you sleep a bit longer. But I was _so_ going to wake you up after this last package of ramen, dattebayo." He shook the aforementioned ramen into a giant, clean pot he had just pulled from the cupboards. That explained all the dirty pots; he was taking a clean one for each new package.

"Naruto," she rasped. "What are you doing? Just use the same pot you used before. You're messing up every pot I own!"

The jinchuuriki snapped his head up and stared wide-eyed at the girl whose home he was defiling. "But you told me not to use dirty pots because I could get sick from them," he pointed out, turning on the element.

Sakura felt her frown deepen a few degrees, as she closed her tired eyes. "That's for pots that have been sitting on your counter for a day or five! If you _just_ used one to make ramen three minutes ago, it's not going to be filthy enough to make you sick if you use it again! Look at all the dirty dishes you've made! I don't want to have to wash all that!"

He stared at the mountain of metal and grunted his understanding, before flashing a smile and saying, "You ready for our mission, Sakura-chan?!"

The pinkhead scowled at Naruto's quick change of subject. Really, the boy seemed so dense, but Sakura had a feeling a lot of it was an act just so he could get away with moments like these.

A 'poof' signalled the arrival of their ever-tardy sensei, as he materialized by the window. A second later, Sakura's door swung open, as Sasuke stalked in more hurriedly than usual.

"Good morning, Sakura. I just had to go collect the wayward one over there, to let him know we were meeting here," Kakashi spoke, smiling at the blank-faced girl. Turning his eye on the other newcomer, he added, "I told you my route was faster."

"You cheated with that transportation jutsu," Sasuke snapped, scowling at the older man.

"Still faster," Kakashi insisted, before turning his attention back to the owner of the apartment they had all illegally entered. "Are you just about ready for today's mission, Sakura?"

"Do I look like I'm ready for a mission?!" She gestured at her green flannel Strawberry Shortcake pyjamas.

"Well, go get ready, then." He settled more comfortably on the windowsill. "We're already a little behind schedule."

"I'm not going on any mission today."

"What?!" Naruto screeched, noodles dangling from his open mouth.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow at her. "Why not?"

"Because it's my day off!" she snapped, an undiluted glare upon her face.

"Wha? I never heard anything about you having a day off, dattebayo," Naruto insisted, shaking his head at her words.

"Yes. You did."

"No I didn't, dattebayo."

"Yes you did. I told you—_all_ of you," she cast a heavy look at the other two, "—every day last week to be certain that you knew that I have five days of sabbatical this week."

Naruto stared at her for a few moments, squinty-eyed and contemplative. "...Are you _sure_?"

"_Yes._"

"But, baa-chan said—"

"She will have told you that Sai will be taking my place on your mission."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

"No, dattebayo!"

"Yes! Now get out of my house!" Sakura shouted, exasperated by this point. Narrowing her eyes on Naruto, she added, "I expect you to be my housemaid when you get back, to make amends for the disaster you just perpetrated here."

"But why do you have to have _this_ week off? That sucks!" the blonde continued to whine, conveniently ignoring the kunoichi's demands.

"Believe me, it's turning out a whole lot worse for me than it is for you," she grumbled. Then, turning back to Kakashi, she asked, "How could _you_ not know I wasn't going with you guys?"

"Ah..." The Copy-nin paused in his reading and looked up at the ceiling, clearly in thought. He sighed, dropping the pretence, and admitted his error. "I listened to Naruto's insistence that you were coming on the mission. In retrospect, I really shouldn't have simply taken his word for it."

"You think?!"

"What? So now we get stuck with that fruit?" Sasuke groused, frowning at the thought of spending time with Sai.

"Looks like," Naruto mumbled, finishing off his ramen with a loud slurp.

"No way. Sakura, you're coming," the Uchiha stated, shaking his head. "Go get ready."

"Excuse me?" the addressed girl answered sharply, narrowing her eyes on the male behind her. "What about 'it's my day off' don't you understand?"

"Tch. I'm not putting up with that freak for who knows how long. I've already got that one to deal with." His eyes shifted meaningfully in Naruto's direction.

"Well, I guess you'll just have to endure," Sakura commented overdramatically, rolling her eyes.

"You can take time off anytime you want."

"No. _You_ can take time off whenever you want. You get at least one day after almost every mission. _I_ do not get such a luxury. When I'm not on missions, I have to work at the hospital. I sometimes have to pick up a shift on the day I get back from a mission. Which is why this is the first break I've had in the past eight months! Today, I was supposed to be able to sleep in, bum around in my pyjamas, and do absolutely nothing. But did I get that?! NO! I was awakened at six-thirty in the freaking a.m. by the sound of an overgrown mouse ransacking my pantry, was subsequently greeted with a week's worth of dishes and a mess worse than that after a frat party. And now you're _ordering_ me to go on a mission with you?! _During my time off?!_ My _first _break in _eight _months. _And you are ruining it!_"

A tremor shook through Naruto that would have registered ten-point-oh on the Richter Scale, had anyone cared to measure it.

"Oh RAHWEH, god of ramen, save us! She's going to go all crazy axe murderer on us and pull a freakin' Uchiha massacre redux!"

Sasuke turned his head about, his movements mechanical as he levelled the blonde with a look that _clearly _lacked any traces of amusement.

Naruto took in a deep breath and gave a sincere look to his best friend. "I did _not _mean to say that. I _apologize _for my insensitivity." After a short pause wherein Sasuke's _look_ lessened in intensity, Naruto continued, "But seriously, Sasuke-teme. She. is. going. to. kill. us. dattebayo!"

The Uchiha snorted. "Maybe _you_, dobe."

Naruto narrowed his eyes on the dark-haired nin. "You think you're still safe from Sakura-chan's wrath? Well you've got another thing coming, teme, dattebayo! That woman is a non-selective bringer of destruction! She will rain down her fury upon any and all who stand in her way or bring her displeasure. And in case you haven't noticed, you qualify as _both_!"

"I do not need this right now," Sakura interrupted, glaring at the three males who had dared to disrupt her rest. "Now, please go. Go on your mission."

"After you get ready," Sasuke insisted, crossing his arms and levelling her with a stern look.

Something seemed to snap in Sakura's mind at that. They could all see it in her eyes, could practically hear the little 'crick' sound it made as whatever 'it' was broke in two and fell to the floor of her skull. Inner Sakura was finally going to have her way.

With a perfect mask of calm upon her face, Sakura turned to Sasuke and kneed him in the groin with a chakra-infused jab.

He let out a sharp groan before he doubled over in breathless pain, as both Naruto and Kakashi groaned, "Ooooo…" sympathetic to his plight.

"And thus ends the Uchiha line…" Kakashi mumbled, cringing.

"I'm going back to bed. Have fun on your mission," Sakura muttered, stalking off to her bedroom. A loud slam of a door soon followed.

"I need to find some ice," Naruto mumbled, a hiss of pain chasing his words.

Kakashi nodded. "Yeah, he'll be needing it."

"Not for him. For me! This sympathy pain is killing me," Naruto grimaced as he waddled awkwardly to the fridge.

The sensei sighed at the blonde's reaction. He squatted down next to the Uchiha, who was obviously experiencing agony the likes of which no man ever wished to experience. "You know," Kakashi began offhandedly, "if you had just said that you _wanted_ her to come with us instead of _telling_ her to come, it probably wouldn't have turned out like this."

"Tch. That _is_ what I said," Sasuke hissed through clenched teeth, breathing deeply and slowly, easing himself through the pain.

"In your language, yes. But in Femalese, the language Sakura speaks, you were just being a self-centered jerk," the greyhead explained, watching his student with a pitying eye.

"And how was I supposed to know that?"

"It's called 'paying attention', Sasuke."

The felled shinobi didn't answer, but just rolled his eyes and quietly endured the last of the pain, while Kakashi took out his book and began reading and Naruto poured a tray of ice cubes down his pants and then screamed three seconds later, "AH! _Frostbite!_ On the family jewels! NO! My babies!"

Two seconds later, all three of them were out on the street after Sakura tossed them out the door and slammed it in their faces.

Ignoring the strange looks they were getting from the neighbours, Kakashi went back to his book, saying, "Walk it off, boys. Walk it off," to the two _damaged_ males moaning on the ground.

* * *

Team Seven—minus one girl, plus one guy—left Konoha at seven a.m. sharp. Naruto was his usual buoyant self, jabbering on about how he was "going to kick those nuke-nin's butts back to the Stone Age" and how "this mission will be done before it even starts, I'm going to beat those guys so bad, dattebayo!"

Kakashi smiled obligingly at the whisker-faced teen, but remained silent through most of the trip, though he was surreptitiously monitoring the atmosphere between the other two ninja in his squad.

Sai was seemingly oblivious to the Die-A-Thousand-Deaths! © glare Sasuke had been sending his way ever since they had sighted the artist at the gates before their departure three hours ago. He just continued along with the rest of them, tree-hopping at high speed, rarely speaking, other than a couple rude remarks at the mission's onset.

For his part, Sasuke didn't say a word to the other dark-haired nin, but, oh, actions spoke volumes.

While Naruto yammered on about some ramen incident he had had last week, Sasuke tuned the blonde out and focused on his own internal musings.

_Of all the people to be stuck with... We should have just gone as a three-man team. This guy... My replacement. Tch. As if. Him and his girly belly-shirt could never replace me. I mean, what's that all about, anyway? Who wears something that revealing? What's he a Britney Spears backup dancer? _

_Ugh. I'm ashamed that I can even come up with that comparison. _

_Note to self: Never humour Sakura's friends when they have control of the TV; you will learn things you did not want to know._

_Tch. This would be so much less annoying if Sakura had just come along. I mean, she would still be annoying, but it's a different type of annoying that I like— It's a different type of annoying that I find more bearable than this loser's type. Yes. _

_If it weren't for this freak, she could have come along and things would be properly annoying instead of annoyingly annoying. If it weren't for him she would have _had_ to come with us. She wouldn't have had any choice._

_...I hate this guy._

"I want to kill you."

Jerking his head about to look at the Uchiha, Sai gave him a curious look and asked, "What was that Sasuke-kun?"

"I said I want—"

"Sasuke," Kakashi interrupted, having been supervising them for the past few minutes; he had known this was coming. "Just feel the good vibes. Feel them."

"There are no good vibes," Sasuke muttered, casting a dark, loathing look at the ROOT member. "Those are _lies_."

The Copy-nin sighed deeply, and said, "Someday I _will_ fix you!"

"You have a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, Kakashi-sensei?" Sai asked innocently, blinking at the older male.

Sasuke shot a dirty look at the artist, but didn't act on the rage he was feeling toward the sly little freak. Oh no. He would wait. He would bide his time. And when that loser thought he was good and safe then Sasuke would _pounce_! There would be nothing left when he was done with him. Not so much as a hair to be used as evidence. Sai would simply vanish.

He allowed himself a maniacal, internal chuckle at the thought.

"Sasuke-kun," Sai spoke, smiling that creepy, blank smile of his. "Your intense study of my features is leading me to believe that you have a crush on me. Allow me to dissuade you from further pursuit of that affection, by informing you that I am not interested in males." He attempted a sympathetic look, but he came out looking constipated more than anything. "I hope your heart is not too seriously broken by me rejection of you. What's the saying...? Once bitten, twice shy?" He nodded to himself. "Yes. Do not allow this painful experience to dissuade you from other romantic pursuits. You must keep yourself in the game, and all that."

Sasuke's glare couldn't have been more menacing. Screw it. He was going to kill him now. Right in front of Kakashi and Naruto. He didn't care. Send him to jail. Execute him. All would be well, so long as this freak of nature died by his hands here and now.

"I'm going to ki—"

"Sasuke," Kakashi's deep, stern voice cut him off. "We don't kill friends."

"Indeed," Sai agreed, nodding with closed eyes, obviously not getting why Kakashi felt a need to say that.

"He's not my friend," Sasuke gritted out, glowering at the oblivious nin.

"Fair enough," the Copy-nin sighed. "But we don't kill comrades."

"...Tch," the Uchiha scoffed, before turning away and putting more distance between himself and 'The Replacement'.

In the background, Naruto was still going on about his ramen that "just wouldn't end! The whole bowl was filled with just one giant, never-ending noodle, dattebayo! It was amazing!"

Kakashi sighed to himself. This was going to be a long mission.

* * *

Their client was a short, gawky teen who could probably list off the title of every _Star Trek_ episode—by season and series—without breaking a sweat, but probably couldn't impress a girl to save his life, unless he showed them his massive bank statement. And that was _not_ a euphemism. The kid was insanely rich and had been saddled with too much power for his small bit of maturity to handle. At the age of sixteen, he was Matsue Domain's daimyo, Matsudaira Harusato. And someone was trying to kill him.

"Has the daimyo received any written threats or demands? Anything that indicates why they are targeting him?" Kakashi asked a tall, thin, middle-aged man named Gin.

Oh yes. Though his lordship was present, not ten feet away, they could not directly address him but rather had to speak through his closest advisor. A firsthand account of what had happened was apparently out of the question. It wasn't something they were unaccustomed to; after all they had dealt with people of the upper caste on many occasions. But did the kid really have to be gawking at them like they were a band of dancing monkeys? The moment they had arrived, he had been staring at them, all starry-eyed and—dare they say?—fan-boyish.

"This was pinned with a kunai to the master's bedroom door last night," the older man answered gravely. A thin, bony hand extended forward to proffer an opened letter to the Copy-nin.

Kakashi scanned the parchment, reading the words carefully. It seemed pretty standard: Give us so-and-so much money or we'll kill you, et cetera, et cetera.

"They didn't sign their name," he commented, flipping the page over, searching for some indication of who the letter was from. Looking up at the advisor, he added, "It's very strange for a threat not to include its author's name or organization. In these situations, someone almost always claims responsibility. How are you expected to meet their demands if you don't know who to give the money to?"

Gin seemed to blanch for a moment at the senior nin's observation. "Perhaps they are hoping that their reputation precedes them," he offered, clasping his hands tightly.

"Are there any criminal organizations in the area?"

"Ah... None...that I know of..." Gin trailed off, shoulders slumping a bit.

"Well, then they would have to be very stupid to assume you would automatically know who it was," Kakashi said offhandedly. "The attacks began five days ago?"

He was answered with a curt nod.

"And you received this letter last night?"

Another nod.

"That's highly suspect," he hummed, glancing over the letter again. "This should have been left for you before or during the first attack. To deliver it five days later, after already attempting multiple attacks—attacking the person you want to extort before you even make your demands—it doesn't make any sense at all."

"Perhaps they are not the criminal masterminds they would have us believe they are," Gin's wavering voice spoke. He glanced back at his master, who was still openly gawking at the two shinobi before them, though he had thankfully managed to wipe that ridiculous grin off his face.

"You're unsure as to their exact number, but are certain that there is more than one?" Kakashi clarified, intent on getting through the standard string of questions he needed answered in order to get a proper view of what situation they were dealing with.

The older man faltered a moment, hands wringing just a bit more. "With the amount of security placed around the master these past few days, we believed that it could only have been one, to have slipped past the guards like that, but the amount of destruction in such a short amount of time leads us to believe there must be a group of them. The master himself said he saw multiple shadows, but he never got a clear look at any of them."

"Okay, let me get this straight. You've been attacked, like, _five_ times, and you've never tried to get a look at who's trying to off you?" Naruto complained, staring at the seated teen with disapproval on his face.

"Do not address the master so informally!" Gin admonished, a look of horror in his eyes.

Kakashi sighed. Really, it had been a miracle that the blonde had remained silent for so long—it was probably a record. But he knew it couldn't last. If there was one thing Naruto was incapable of even bumbling his way through, it was a situation that required decorum. Decorum did not coexist with Naruto. It probably never would.

"But, come on, dattebayo!" the jinchuuriki groused, gesturing restlessly. "I understand not looking the first time, maybe even the second time. But by the fifth time around, it should be getting a little redundant! You didn't think to try and get a glimpse of whoever's trying to—" he grabbed the threat letter from Kakashi and read, "'slice off your head and stick it on a pike in the middle of town unless you pay'?" He shook his head and frowned at the younger male.

"How dare you speak so rudely to the master?!"

"It's alright, Gin," the daimyo called out, waving the advisor off.

The man cast a disapproving look at the blonde nin but remained silent at his master's behest.

The youth's face seemed to have some unnatural glow as he stared back at the shinobi. You could practically hear the bubbles of excitement fizz up inside him. "I did attempt to get a glimpse of their identities, Naruto-san," Harusato explained, steepling his fingers before him and narrowing his eyes as he attempted to appear composed while some excited complex was clearly raging within. "They were simply too quick for my eyes to follow. Perhaps if I had your comrade's eyes I could have—"

"Whoa, whoa!" Naruto interrupted, raising his hands for Harusato to stop. "Hold it right there. If you're trying to get your hands on Sasuke's eyes, you're out of luck. A few people have tried that already; it didn't turn out well for any of them."

A strange, girlish sound that was mix of a giggle and a yelp escaped the daimyo—which caused the two Konoha-nin to shift backward uncertainly—before he gained control of his propriety again and answered, "That is not what I meant. I was simply saying that a person such as myself, untrained in the ninja arts and without any bloodline talent, cannot follow my attackers' movements, they are so fast. You and your comrades though," another disturbing yelp/giggle, or a yiggle if you will, sounded from the strange, strange young man. "Team Seven," he said the name with such reverence, as though it were some holy title, "could most definitely handle these ruffians."

"You know our team number?" Naruto asked, a little surprised by the younger teen's words.

"Team Seven. Team Kakashi." Harusato let out a low chuckle. "Synonymous with legendary! Though I am a little disappointed that the original team didn't come. I had hoped to meet Sakura-san as well." His face turned an unnatural shade of red and his eyes became unfocused as he obviously got lost in whatever fantasyland existed within his unique mind.

"Kaka-sensei," Naruto whispered to his mentor. "Are other people supposed to know so much about our team?"

"It's not unheard of but, no, not really," the greyhead answered lowly, his lone eye watching the spaced out daimyo carefully. "He seems to be one of those basement children."

"'Basement children'?" Naruto repeated, not following.

"They spend most of their lives in their parents' basements and obsess over fandoms of all sorts. I suppose he may have found himself a real-life 'fandom' to be obsessed with."

"_Us?!_"

"Or just the shinobi world in general. It's strange; most people in high society these days view ninja as the scum of the earth—vultures that will do anything for a price. Him having such a fascination with our lifestyle is surprising."

"And creepy as hell," Naruto mumbled, noticing how closely the daimyo's shining eyes were watching him. "I vote we end this mission _today_."

"I actually agree with you, which is also creepy as hell," Kakashi answered. Turning his full attention to the daimyo and his advisor, he said, "I think we have enough information for now. We will begin preparations immediately." He gave a short bow, slapping Naruto on the back of the neck to prompt him to do the same, and then left the hall to seek out their other two teammates.

* * *

Having been informed of last night's attack, Kakashi had ordered Sasuke and Sai, after meeting briefly with the daimyo and his advisor, to go directly to the scene of the attack to determine the how and hopefully the who, while Naruto and the Copy-nin got answers from the witnesses. It didn't take a genius to figure out why Kakashi had ordered them to investigate the scene: the two members with no people skills didn't exactly shine in situations involving talking to _people_.

Sasuke wasn't complaining that he didn't have to stand around while some old guy talked as if he were the daimyo's sock puppet—speaking for him but was _supposedly_ a separate entity. And he was not disappointed that he didn't have to put up with those creepy, shiny-eyed looks the young lord had been sending their way. He was used to getting all kinds of disturbing looks, from lustful to murderous, but never had he been stared at with fan-boy awe. No. And he never wanted to again. It was...a little violating, to be honest.

Of course, that didn't mean he was enjoying his current circumstances, either. It was simply the lesser of two evils. Two very evil evils.

Because being partnered with Sai was the equivalent of putting hot needles in his eyes and then squirting lemon juice in them while getting his hair permed—there was no compensation great enough to make up for this.

The Replacement—because that was his name as far as Sasuke was concerned—was busy studying a demolished wall of shelves, where countless priceless vases and figurines were dashed to bits upon the hardwood floor. Something seemed to catch his eye and he quickly bent down and picked whatever it was up. Turning to Sasuke with that freaky smile on his plastic face, Sai held up the item and said, "Should I save this for Dickless? He could probably use it as a prosthetic."

It was at this moment that Sasuke realized the object Sai was holding up was a broken off _appendage_ from a male sculpture.

"Do you ever think about anything besides Naruto's dick, or lack thereof?"

"Yes. Sometimes I think about yours."

Sasuke cringed violently. He was fairly certain The Replacement had meant that as an insult, insinuating that he, like Naruto, had no dick. But it just came out sounding so very, very wrong.

He shook his head and muttered under his breath, "Gay..."

Casting the Uchiha his usual blank look, Sai replied, "You keep calling me that. But you also call me your replacement. So what does that say about you?"

Sasuke scowled darkly at the smiling freak before him, not liking what he was implying. "Obviously, as my replacement, you fail at filling my role properly. This is another facet you simply are not adequate to fulfill."

"So...You're saying that I fail at fulfilling your role as the gay team member?" he clarified, face a mask of understanding. "Since I am hetero, I cannot fulfill that role for you. That is what you're saying, yes, Sasuke-kun?"

"That's the complete opposite of what I said!" the Uchiha fumed, scowling darkly at the other male.

Sai's face didn't so much as flinch, obviously unrepentant for the transgression Sasuke _knew_ he knew he had just committed. The conniving little freak...

"That's not how I interpreted it," the artist answered smoothly.

"Obviously!" Sasuke snapped, clenching his teeth harshly. "I can't believe this team survived with _two_ people as dense as Naruto on it."

A frown creased Sai's usually smooth brow. "I resent being compared to Naruto-kun."

"And I resent being compared to you," Sasuke shot back.

"Likewise."

"..."

"..."

A deep, reluctant sigh pulled itself from the Uchiha's lungs. "We really have no reason not to get along, do we?" he muttered resignedly.

"I believe not, Sasuke-kun."

He sighed again, scowling at the injustice of it all. "Don't let this get out. It will be the end of sanity for both of us."

"Agreed."

Down the hall they could hear a loud, obnoxious voice whining something about "it was like he was going to throw us into a pit and force us to lotion our skin or else he'd spray us with a hose! You know, like from that movie, _The Slicing of the Yams_, dattebayo," and a deeper voice replying, "I don't think that's how the title went, Naruto," and they knew the other half of their team was drawing near.

A few seconds later, Kakashi and Naruto appeared in the doorway, the former studying the room lazily, the latter walking through the debris, indiscriminately crushing whatever intact shards remained and completely disregarding any attempts at preserving the scene. Thankfully, the two dark-haired shinobi were already finished their mini-investigation, otherwise Naruto would have been flat on the floor, his face being ground into the smashed glass for so effortlessly ruining the evidence.

"Okay, listen up losers," Naruto called out, striking a self-important pose, oblivious to the unimpressed looks he was getting. "The plan is to get this mission over and done with as fast as humanly possible. Teme, that means if you need to go somewhere, you don't walk, you _shunpo_ your way there."

Sasuke couldn't help the look of pure confusion as he blurted out, "What the hell is shunpo?"

"Oh, you know what I mean!" the blonde continued, waving his hand dismissively. "Shunpo. Though, considering how evil you are, you probably use sonido."

"What the hell are you on, dobe?"

"Everyone knows _Bleach_ terminology is interchangeable with ours!" Naruto insisted. He eyed Sasuke critically, a finger on his chin. "Hirenkyaku, perhaps? Uchiha have a lot in common with Quincy, after all."

Sasuke sighed, watching Naruto tiredly. "I _would_ hit you but beating on a mentally challenged person is extremely amoral, even to me."

"Okay, children," Kakashi interrupted, effectively putting an end to his students' inane argument. "We have traps to set, a perimeter to create, and a creepy little otaku daimyo to protect, so let's begin, shall we?"

He was answered with a mix of grumbled "yeah"s, but that was more than enough; at least they weren't arguing over _Bleach_ references. Besides, everyone knew the Hiraishin no Jutsu was far superior to any of the hundred different rapid movement techniques in _Bleach_.

* * *

**Guttersnipe's Word: **Okay. I actually have this one planned out. Almost all of it is written already. It shall be five chapters. No more, no less. Expect them to be released one per week, give or take a day or two. That is all.

Thank you for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

XOXO and Other Affectionate Letters

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Chapter 2**

They were guarding the daimyo in shifts. While all four shinobi were at their posts, only Naruto and Kakashi were truly on duty. Sai and Sasuke were hidden in their designated places, however, they were not expected to be alert and could rest until needed. Coupled with two of Naruto's bunshins—one for each sleeping nin—their posts were sufficiently covered. It was Kakashi and Naruto's job to monitor their posts as well. In four hours their shift would end and the wakeful shinobi would be able to rest while the sleeping ninja would take over the watch.

In the meantime, however, time had come to a screeching halt for one orange-clad ninja.

"No one is attacking," Naruto moaned, leaning his head back into the shadowed corner where he was hidden, awaiting the enemy's arrival.

"Naruto, stay alert," Kakashi's voice came over the radio. "The enemy may come at any time. I don't want you losing focus just because you're bored."

"Yeah, yeah."

One hour passed.

"Nothing's happening."

"Patience, Naruto."

Another hour passed.

"Can _I_ attack him?"

"No."

Two hours later.

"This mission blows."

"Sometimes things turn out like this, Naruto," Kakashi sighed over the radio. "Tell your bunshins to wake up the other two. It's their turn."

"Gotcha." In a motion that was as natural to him as eating ramen, Naruto produced another bunshin. It immediately ran off to tell its brethren to slap the sleeping males awake.

After a couple minutes, the information from his dispersed clones began coming to him. He laughed mischievously at the memory of a clone poking Sai in the face until the artist woke himself up by slapping at the offending hand and ending up smacking himself in the face instead.

Over the radio, an angry voice shouted, "Dobe! You had better sleep with one eye open."

Naruto let out a giddy laugh. "I _just_ saw what happened!" he answered, still processing the fresh wave of information from the bunshin that had awoken Sasuke. "I have a spare pair of pants you can borrow if you wet yours!"

"I did not! Tch! You're such a child," Sasuke snapped back.

Naruto could practically hear the glare.

The jinchuuriki chuckled again, reliving his bunshin's act of putting one of Sasuke's hands in a bowl of water he had procured from who knows where, all the while listening to Sasuke talk in his sleep about _things_ he never talked about while awake—_Closet pervert, teme!_—and then growing bored of waiting for the slumbering man to be affected by it and opted to just toss the water in his face.

"Man, how out of it were you that I got away with that much before you woke up? Must have been a _very _interesting dream, eh teme?" He laughed again at the muffled cracking sound from the other end.

"Shut up!"

"Oh ho! Do I hear a _blush_ in your voice, teme?"

"You can't hear a blush, you moron."

"Yours I can."

"Screw y—"

"Okay boys," Kakashi's deep voice interrupted their disagreement. "Naruto, it's lights out for you. And Sasuke, you've got a lot of ground to cover. Sai's covering my end with his ink animals, so you're in charge of your and Naruto's areas."

"Hai."

"Hai."

"Good. Now, we'll regroup in four hours. Get to it."

* * *

After an uneventful night—an oddity, considering the nonstop attacks of the previous five nights before they had arrived—Team Seven was preparing for a full day of Harusato and friends. Oh yes. Today the young daimyo decided he would have guests during a time when traffic through the castle ought to be kept to a minimum. The kid was just asking for it.

Brooding in a corner, Sasuke was silently cursing the Godaime for giving them this mission, Harusato for requesting their services instead of having the good sense to just let whoever was attacking him kill him, and The Replacement for not only daring to replace _him_ but for now supposing to replace Sakura, too.

_Tch. I guess that's just his _thing.

The mission was only a day old, but Sasuke was already sick of it. There wasn't a thing about it that interested him but a whole lot about it that irritated him. At the very least, the dobe usually entertained him, but then again, that was usually because Sakura was beating the crap out of him.

_Sakura..._

He winced at the memory of his last _contact_ with her. Had his words really merited such a brutal response? Really, what did she hear him say? He had just wanted her to come along. Was that some grave offence?

Reaching into his kunai pouch, Sasuke fished around for a small side pocket hidden there and pulled out three pieces of paper—pictures to be specific. All three were very similar in subject matter. One was a bit blurry, as the 'subject' had just turned around to look curiously at the photographer. The second one was smaller, but higher quality, with the 'subject' standing in front of the hospital, their arm around the blonde girl standing next to them, smiling widely. The other person had been cut out of the photo because he didn't really care for possessing a picture of that annoying, blonde banshee, so the 'subject' was a bit off-centre. The third picture was his favourite and was therefore the most worn. It wasn't anything special, really. The 'subject' wasn't smiling and wasn't even looking at the camera, but was obviously lost in thought and completely open—completely natural. Yes. This was his favourite.

Lost in his own world, Sasuke didn't notice the conniving mental mystery that was Naruto sneaking up on him from around the corner. In a blur of shocking orange and yellow, the jinchuuriki leapt out of hiding and landing right next to his target, his face uncomfortably close as he eyed Sasuke with a mischievous look and shouted in his face, "Whatcha up to, teme?!"

The addressed male jerked suddenly at the intrusion, though he tried to tell himself it wasn't that noticeable.

Judging by Naruto's widening cheeky grin, however, he was simply in denial.

Blue eyes shifted downward, a curious light in them as they landed on what was in his friend's hand. "What are those?"

A river of ice flowed down Sasuke's spine as he realized what the blonde was referring to. With a quick jerk of his hand, the pictures were back in his kunai pouch, but of course the damage had been done.

Naruto was staring at him as though he had just seen him kill a baby bunny. "You-You... You have inappropriate pictures of Sakura-chan!" he shouted, pointing accusingly.

Sasuke tried to hide his wince at the shrill loudness of Naruto's voice—goodness knew his voice could carry. But he kept his cool and smoothly replied, "I have no comment on that."

"That's like saying you do!" Naruto shouted back, shaking his head at his friend. _You think you know a guy..._

In a determined attempt at getting his hands on the evidence of Sasuke's guilt, Naruto leapt at the Uchiha with all he had in him, sending the two rivals tumbling to the ground in a painful and humiliating pile. Amid the melee, Sasuke's elbow ended up lodged in Naruto's gut, causing the blonde's ramen breakfast to lurch and roil in his stomach.

"Get off me, dobe!" Sasuke shouted, violently shaking his suddenly motionless assailant. That was, of course, the wrong thing to do in this situation.

"Uohh, don't... Don't... I'm gonna hurl..." he managed to choke out as he swallowed desperately, willing his beloved food to remain where it was.

"All the more reason for you to get the hell off!" Sasuke attempted to roll Naruto away but, from his leverage-less position and with Naruto's apparent _two ton_ weight, it was to no avail. "Did you eat a _whale_, or something, dobe?!"

"I don't wanna throw up," the jinchuuriki was mumbling pitifully, tears in his eyes. He pressed a hand to his chest, hoping to quell the rising bile, while his other hand immobilized one of Sasuke's arms to lessen the movement the Uchiha could inflict on him—unfortunately for Sasuke, it also prevented him from using a replacement jutsu to escape his current predicament. "I hate throwing up more than anything... It's horrible," Naruto murmured thickly.

"Get off!"

"If I move...it's all gonna spew out like _The Exorcist_ times five!"

"Then make sure you're not facing me when you move," Sasuke snapped irritably. Jeez, this was embarrassing.

"I'm not moving!" Naruto hissed through clenched teeth, eyes desperate. Goodness, the guy looked _scared_. "I will sit on you all day if it means I won't throw up!"

"The hell you will!" the dark nin growled, resuming his attempts at dislodging the blonde.

"Don't! _You teme!_ Stop! I'm gonna... I'm gonna..." A low moaning sound came out of him as his stomach churned, obviously against Naruto's desire for his ramen to stay where it was.

At this point in time, Sai decided to come see if his comrades were ready. Of course, what he saw was Sasuke flat on his back with Naruto sitting on top of him, teary-eyed and moaning, while Sasuke was jerking desperately beneath him and grabbing at whatever of Naruto he could get his hands on for leverage.

You didn't need psychic powers to know what Sai was thinking.

"I knew it," the artist said, nodding to himself as he stared unabashedly at what he was certain was Dickless and Traitor getting it on.

Sasuke paused in his struggles to glare at The Replacement when he realized what he had said. "Get over here and—"

"Oh, no, no, Sasuke-kun. I will have no part in your 'special time' with Naruto-kun," Sai insisted, waving his hands in dismissal.

The Uchiha's jaw cracked as he gritted his teeth and calmed the swirling red in his eyes. "Get him off of me!" he shouted.

"Don't move so much, teme," Naruto muttered, breathing deeply as another lurch of his gut threatened to send his breakfast up to greet him a second time.

"So, Naruto-kun is the gentle lover, but still tops. Hmm..." Sai commented, before pulling out a notebook and jotting something down.

"That is not what this is!" Sasuke snapped. Turning back to the male on top of him (and he shivered at that thought), he hissed, "Do you have any idea what this looks like?! You're getting off of me right now!"

Naruto managed an insulting look despite being on the verge of vomiting, when he replied, "You know, this wouldn't be nearly so awkward if you weren't such a douche."

"Just move!"

That last outburst upset the delicate balance Naruto's constitution had been resting on. His aggravated stomach heaved as his whole body convulsed, bringing a look of pure despair to his face before bile came spewing out of it. Some residual sense of propriety prompted him to turn his head and lean away from the man he had trapped beneath him, so Sasuke was spared a face full of partly digested ramen and escaped from Naruto's death hold with nothing more than a bruised ego and a few spatters of gastric juices on his arm.

Kakashi appeared just as Naruto was in the midst of heaving and sobbing his woe and Sasuke was shimmying out from under him like a crab running from an octopus. Blinking at them for a few moments, he finally asked, "A little family bonding gone awry?"

The two just groaned as Sai smiled just a tad evilly at their expense.

* * *

Judging by Harusato's circle of friends, he wasn't the only basement dweller to worry his noble family about the possibility of its reproductive line ending abruptly due to its heir being more preoccupied with protecting espers and defeating Kefka than they were with interaction with the opposite sex.

Pasty-skinned and possessing a trepid eagerness not unlike a mouse seeking cheese, Hisamatsu Wataru, the youngest guest, who couldn't be a day over fourteen, seemed to hang on every word his companions said, taking everything at face value. Oddly enough, he was the most bearable of the four young males.

His older cousin, Hisamatsu Jinsei, was the embodiment of everything that made 'high society' synonymous with...well, that term is censored. While he was obviously not a basement child like his three companions, he more than compensated for that lack of shortcoming by exhibiting snobbery to the extent that one could fairly give him a sinus exam with just a glance, he stuck his nose up so high at everything.

The third guest could have been Harusato's blood brother. Ochi Takemoto had the same scrawny build, the same inability to execute nonchalance, and the same isolationist tendencies that told you he was more accustomed to choosing responses by pressing 'A' or 'B' on a game controller than he was to real conversations with real people.

"Word is someone's out for your head, Matsudaira-san," Jinsei commented offhandedly, eyeing his tea cup with a critical eye. "When I heard the news, I said to myself, 'There is _no way_ he has a hit on him. That would just be _too cool_, so naturally, it couldn't be true.'"

"Not if it's Matusdaira-san," Wataru piped in, nodding along with his cousin's words.

The elder male hummed, keeping his posture overly stiff as he set his cup back down, an air of self-believed omniscience about him that you just had to roll your eyes at. "Indeed. A shut in like you?!" He cast a raking look at their host, an eyebrow cocked with scepticism. "How could _you_ possibly incur such attention?"

"So, naturally, we decided to pay you a visit, to lay these rumours to rest," Takemoto explained, his voice muffled as he spoke into his chest, not once making eye contact, even though he was among people he had known since childhood. Indeed, his frame seemed to crouch in on itself more when he spoke, as though trying to pull his words back into his throat.

The young daimyo seemed unperturbed by his peers' disbelief, as he continued to calmly brew his tea—the only hobby he entertained that actually held some cultural merit—and answered in an easy voice, "It's true."

"Come now, Matsudaira-san," Jinsei scoffed, wrinkling his face and flicking off some nonexistent dirt from his sleeve. "I can see your nose growing."

"It's not a lie!" Harusato insisted, setting a fresh cup of tea before Takemoto, who seemed to down the beverage like an alcoholic on a binge. "Multiple attempts have been made on my life this past week. Once in this very room."

That statement managed to draw the attention of even the aloof Takemoto. They all stared at Harusato with a mix of curiosity and doubt.

Obviously not convinced, Jinsei rolled his eyes. "You kid."

"I do not. Haven't you noticed how bare this room is?" He gestured at their sparse surroundings, which were notably without any of the usual opulent decor. It was quite plain, actually. Even one of the decorative shoji screens was missing, with a bland, white screen in its place. "They thoroughly ruined it," he explained.

The elder Hisamatsu surveyed the area with the shrewdness of a debt assessor's eye. "I had noticed the sparseness but I did not think it prudent of me to make mention of it," he answered slowly. "Yoshinori-san is selling his estate left, right, and centre, his money's so depleted, you know. You never know who might be next."

Wataru nodded avidly at his cousin's assessment while sipping at his tea like a humming bird would from a feeder.

"Well," Harusato sighed, futzing with his teapot, "poor budgeting is not my problem." He paused and added with a dramatic tone to his voice, "Assassins are."

"Mmhmm." Jinsei watched him with a bored gaze. "If they have been attacking you, how are you still alive? After so many attempts, surely something would have happened to you already."

True to form, the younger Hisamatsu cousin nodded in agreement before he verschlucked on his drink.

"They are probably biding their time, hoping to destroy me mentally before finally claiming my life," the daimyo explained as nonchalant yet self-important as a person of Harutsato's poor acting calibre could manage.

"Ah..." Takemoto cleared his throat, while spinning his empty cup in his restless hands. "Aren't you scared, Matsudaira-san?"

"Not scared, Takemoto-kun," he replied in a boisterous voice. He straightened his posture and assumed an awkward bored expression before he continued. "Merely tired of the game my enemy is playing. My foe is surely a formidable one, indeed. However they will not succeed in undoing one as steadfast as myself." He nodded in agreement with himself, completely devoted to his pretence.

"How are you going to deal with this? They're going to get serious eventually, and your guards obviously aren't equipped to handle them when they do."

"Hm. I wonder..." Harusato hummed slyly, trailing off to draw his audience into his ambiguous plan.

Wataru looked back and forth between the daimyo and his cousin, anxious for an explanation—the kid was such an easy mark for Harusato's stories—but unable to find the courage to speak up when his cousin would not.

"What have you done, Matsudaira-san?" the Ochi heir said, sensing something in his friend's behaviour that perked his publicly-shy otaku side.

Giving a long-suffering sigh, Jinsei asked, "Yes, do tell us what master plan you have concocted to counter your foe?"

Harusato managed to smother the giant grin that had been building on his lips, and schooled his face into an aloof expression. "Simple. I called in some shinobi."

A collection of stares and silent gasps met his words, but he kept his glee at his guests' shock under control.

Jinsei was, of course, the first to deride the daimyo. "Now I definitely know you're lying."

Wataru hummed his agreement, though he continued to stare at their host with bright-eyed interest. Oh, the geek in him had been awakened.

"I'm not," he insisted, shaking his head as he suppressed another smile.

The sceptical male quirked an eyebrow and made a sweeping motion with his arm. "Then, where are they? I don't see them."

"They're _shinobi_, Jinsei-kun. That's kind of their thing."

"Tch." He frowned. "Well, let's see them, then."

Unable to contain his excitement, as the peculiar otaku complex he shared with their host became fully active, Takemoto shook off his antisocial mantle and began badgering Harusato for information. "Who did you draft? Was it Suna? Or Iwa? Oh! Tell me it was Kumo!"

"Hm. I would never settle for such mediocrity!" Harusato said, over-exaggerating his disdain for the perfectly capable villages his friend had just named. "This is my life on the line, here!"

"Then who?" Takemoto stopped suddenly as a thought hit him. A light of barely-harnessed excitement illuminated his face. "Don't tell me... No way... There is no way you got...Konoha?!" At the other male's Cheshire Cat grin, his eyes nearly popped out of his skull. "Seriously?!"

"Seriously, man, seriously," the young lord replied, smiling all the while.

"No way!"

"Yes way."

"Who did you get?" Wataru asked, unable to control his awakened otaku complex any longer. There were ninja here! The subject of all his obsessions, the one thing he had in common with the few friends he had, and he would finally get to see some real live shinobi! His timidity would have to sit this one out.

Takemoto was just as avid as Wataru to have that question answered. "Was it Team Kurenai?!" he cried, leaning forward in askance, all signs of the usually reserved Ochi male completely absent. "Tell me it was Team Eight!"

"Was it Team Asuma?!" Wataru interjected, fidgeting in the agony of not knowing. "No! Please say it was Team Gai!"

Harusato had to chuckle at his friends' reactions. He had known they would freak. It was the one binding part of their relationship—the thing that had made it possible for these unsociable boys to become familiar with each other: their absolute obsession with all things shinobi.

"Uh-uh," he shook his head.

Wataru pulled a face. "Well, then, did you get a crappy genin—"

"No. And let's not insult the genin teams. All the greats start out as such."

The other two nodded in agreement, while Jinsei rolled his eyes at what he considered a sad, sad example of what happens when mothers eat mercury-tainted sushi while pregnant.

"Ooh! I know!" Wataru shouted, practically bouncing in his seat as countless exciting possibilities flew through his mind. "You got a really awesome jounin, didn't you?"

"Indeed, I did," Harusato replied, nodding. "In fact, I got two. Two jounin and two genin. But don't let that fool you. They are no ordinary genin." He let out an enigmatic chuckle, but refrained from divulging anything more.

Takemoto frowned. "Two jounin and two genin? That's kind of weird, isn't it?"

"Not really. Not when it's _them_." The daimyo let out another low laugh, barely containing that unfortunate 'yiggle' he was sadly known for emitting when overly-excited.

"So?! Can we see them?!"

"Yeah, yeah! We want to see!"

"Indeed," Jinsei drawled. He crossed his arms and looked at their host challengingly. "Let us see your mighty saviours."

"Of course. Just try to control your urge to squeal like little girls," Harusato lectured, giving them all a stern look that failed miserably due to the boyish grin splitting his lower face.

_Something tells me you've already done that, _all three thought to themselves.

"Ah, shinobi-san? Shinobi-san, could you come here, please," he called out, putting on a show of being accustomed to such. "I'm not sure which one of you is nearest me, otherwise I would use your name, but—"

A blur of motion interrupted Harusato, signalling the arrival of the loudmouthed ninja himself.

"Is there a problem?" Naruto asked, his voice just a little less boisterous than was per his usual. Being the closest one to the daimyo, Naruto could hear everything transpiring within the room the four young nobles occupied. He had known this was coming long before Team Seven had even been mentioned in their conversation and had been mentally banging his head against the wall as he suffered through their idle prattle, awaiting his inevitable summons.

Harusato was, of course, oblivious to his guard's intense disdain for his situation and continued on. "I would like you to call the rest of your team here. It's very important, you see."

"Look, Matsudaira-...whatever," Naruto shook his head as the honorific escaped him. "We're kind of working right now, so—"

"Oh, it won't take but a moment!" he insisted, waving off the jinchuuriki's words. "After all, you are guarding me. With all four of you in the same room as me, I'll be safe as ever, and you'll certainly still be doing your duty."

The blonde was obviously reluctant to acquiesce to his client's request. He cast a cursory look over the room's other occupants and cringed as the same fan-boy glow that had beamed from Harusato's face when they first arrived yesterday was now shining forth from not one, but two other people before him. The third guest was not similarly taken with his presence, he noted, but the stuck up way he was looking down on him was only marginally better.

It was obvious the young lord just wanted to show off his shiny, new bodyguards to his geeky friends. But it was also obvious that Harusato was not going to take no for an answer and the faster way of dealing with this would be to just do as he asked, even if it did chafe Naruto to do so.

Giving a quiet sigh, he pressed the contact button on his radio and spoke, "Hey guys. I need you to come to ground zero for a bit."

"'Ground zero'?" Wataru repeated quietly, still watching Naruto with unblinking eyes. "What does that mean, Matsudaira-san?"

"Hmm!" Harusato chuckled. "Of course, 'ground zero' is like 'point zero' or 'zero, zero'. It is the beginning point; the most important place."

"Ohhh..."

Naruto rolled his eyes as he overheard the nobles' exchange. In reality, they had opted to dub the daimyo's position 'ground zero' as a passive expression of their feelings toward him. That is, 'ground zero' was the disaster zone; the place _no one_ wanted to be.

Over the radio, Kakashi replied, "Is there something wrong?"

"Yeah. You could say that, alright."

A few moments later, the entire team was gathered before the four young nobles, three of them confused as to why their comrade would summon them to such a docile scene. The blank-faced Naruto simply shrugged at them and answered their unspoken questions with, "It's easier this way."

Before any of them could demand some elaboration on that statement, strange sounds came from the seated youths before whom they stood. Turning to the small group, the familiar wave of uncomfortable stares and uber-feminine giggles hit them and the situation became all-too clear to the shinobi.

"Naruto..." Kakashi sighed.

"I said it was easier this way, dattebayo," the blonde repeated.

Wataru was making strange squeaking sounds, as he attempted to give words to what he was seeing, but never thought would be possible. "Ha... Hatak... Hatake Kakashi? Then you must be...Uzumaki... and Uchiha..."

"It's Team Kakashi! Team Seven!" Takemoto exclaimed, leaning forward on his hands to stare bug-eyed at the vision before him. His gaze turned to Sai where all his enthusiasm froze as a frown of confusion lessened the wideness of his eyes. "Who the hell are you?"

"Idiot! That's Sai," Wataru hissed, as though trying to discreetly correct his friend's error, despite the fact that everyone in the room could hear him quite clearly. "A former ROOT Black Ops member. He stepped in while Uchiha Sasuke was defected."

The shinobi felt considerable disconcert weigh upon them as they listened to these young shut-ins discuss information about their team that they should _not_ know about. What sort of massive information leak had Konoha had, that basement dwellers like these kids could have come across such sensitive information?

"Oh, right," Takemoto nodded. Then his head snapped up and a flaming blush ignited upon his face as he said, "Where's Haruno Sakura-san? The...ahem..._medic_?"

The three twittering teens all giggled shrilly, as blushes overtook each of their faces.

Deep frowns and dangerous eyes showed themselves on two of the ninja's faces, while the other two kept their faces blank, though one was definitely not amused.

"Unfortunately, she did not accompany them," Harusato explained with a sigh.

"_Aw_," both Takemoto and Wataru complained.

"I know. I was sorely disappointed. But still, it's pretty awesome, am I right?!"

"Yeah!"

"This is what dancing monkeys at the circus must feel like," Naruto muttered in Sasuke's ear. He paused, clearly in thought. "I'm suddenly hungry for bananas. How about you?"

A heavy look from his friend was answer enough.

"_Okay._ Jeez. No need to be so vulgar, teme."

"What's the punishment for killing your own client?" Sasuke suddenly asked, his unreadable eyes trained on said client as he chattered away with his creepy little friends.

Naruto shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't know." After a few moments of intense pondering, he added, "Well, you'd definitely go to jail, that's for sure."

"Hn. I've already been there. It's not that bad."

Hearing this, Sai turned to Sasuke and said, "Really? With your delicate features, I figured prison must have been hell for you."

The Uchiha levelled the artist with a narrow look. "With your constant talk of dicks, _you_ would quickly be the favourite inmate on the block."

Naruto laughed at that, pointing mockingly at the blank-faced male. "Ha! Sai would be a prison bi—"

"I don't know why you're laughing, Naruto-kun," Sai interrupted, watching the blonde with an emotionless face that was obviously hiding some evil ploy. "They really like your type in there."

"What's that?!"

"No dick and a big mouth," Sai finished with his Cheez-Whiz © smile.

"Ah! Shut up, Sai!" Naruto shouted, glaring at the still-smiling man.

Sasuke smirked—his version of a laugh.

Seeing this, Naruto let out a feral sound and growled, "You too, teme! You act all tough, but I bet you were crying yourself to sleep every night, because you dropped the soap!"

He laughed at his own joke while Sai leaned over and said, "Doesn't he know you were in solitary confinement for your entire sentence?"

"He _does_, it's just never registered in his mind what that means," Sasuke muttered back, rolling his eyes at the snickering jinchuuriki.

Giving the Uchiha a falsely inquisitive look, Naruto said, "Got any prison tats, teme? Maybe a heart that says 'Big Daddy X Sasucandy Forever'? I'm sure it won't destroy your chances for getting a girl. I mean, Sakura-chan is just so _obviously_ the type of girl who has a fetish for prison tats given by your cell block lover."

Sai looked at him with a confused expression upon his face. "Despite Sakura-san's strange habits, I do not believe she would like such, Naruto-kun."

Naruto blanched at the other male's ineptitude."Uh... It's called 'sarcasm', Sai. Please borrow a book about it from the library to learn about it."

The corner of Sasuke's lips quirked ever so slightly. "Hn. Naruto just learned about it last week and he wants to know if it's really as confusing as he thinks it is."

"Teme!" the orange-clad ninja shouted, glaring at his rival. "You know, when I'm Hokage—"

"There'll be a rainbow over every house and a smile on every face. The world will bow to its knees and sing kum-ba-ya around a campfire while you cure the sick by baptizing them in vats of ramen. _We get it_," Sasuke interjected, voice and mannerisms overflowing with sarcasm.

Naruto stared at the dark-haired male for a few long moments, not saying a word. Finally, he said, "...No. When I'm Hokage, it's going to be illegal for you to be a smartass. And...there _will_ be singing of kum-ba-ya around a campfire. It builds morale!"

"Hey, hey?!" Wataru was calling out to them again. "Do you-Do you have shuriken and kunai?!"

"Oh! Can you hit that painting in the eyes?!" Takemoto shouted, pointing at one of the few decorations the room still possessed.

Sai stared intently at the item in question. "You want me to put holes in that expensive piece of art?"

"Yes!"

"As an artist, I cannot do that," he shook his head, clear disapproval upon his usually blank features.

Not to be deterred from their entertainment, the young otaku turned to the next ninja in line.

"Then, Uchiha Sasuke-san," they all giggled quietly behind their hands, as they did every time they said one of their names. "Can you, like, burn it with some secret Uchiha clan jutsu?!"

The addressed male stared at them with pure disdain and blandly replied, "Why stop there? I can burn the whole house down, too. Preferably with you still inside."

"See?! I told you he was cool!" Harusato squealed, while the other two nodded along, staring on with shining eyes.

"Tch!"

"Calm down, teme," Naruto spoke lowly, seeing the various twitches in his companion's face that spoke of barely suppressed rage. "This is the closest to emotional fulfillment they'll ever get," he explained. "Just let them have their moment."

"I don't want to bring them any fulfillment of any kind," Sasuke hissed back.

"It's just—"

"_Rasengan!_" Takemoto shouted, drawing everyone's attention. The three excited teens were all staring at Naruto now, faces aglow like cherubim, only much, much more creepy. "Uzumaki Naruto-san," here they giggled again, while their fourth companion rolled his eyes at his friends' embarrassing actions. "Perhaps you could use that technique on this marble statue, here?!" He pointed at a stone statue in the corner that was as tall as a standing man, highly detailed, and obviously old.

Naruto cringed uncomfortably. "Uh, guys, that looks expensive..."

"It is!" Harusato assured him. "Now, can you do it?!"

"And Hatake Kakashi-san!" (Insert another round of prepubescent giggles.) "I've always wondered what Chidori would do to a piñata!"

"A piñata?" the Copy-nin repeated, face blank. His students couldn't tell if he was humouring them or passively mocking them. Curse that mask!

"Well, really I wondered what it would do to a hamster in a metal box," Takemoto explained, "but _apparently_ that would be inhumane, so I settled on a piñata. And some Jiffy Pop, if you have time."

A brainwave seemed to plough into Wataru at that moment, because he began bouncing in his seat and squealed, "Ooh! Both you, Hatake Kakashi-san," (girlish giggles), "and Uchiha Sasuke-san," (more girlish giggles), "should use Chidori and we'll finally be able to put to rest the argument of whose is stronger!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

There was a long moment of perfect silence, wherein the three otaku stared up at their obsessions-come-true with eyes that could have been bedazzled with costume jewellery, they sparkled so gaudily, and the four shinobi stared back at them with unreadable expressions with one thought running across their minds: _We are so getting extra hazard pay for this one._

After a few more moments, Kakashi broke the silence as he slowly spoke, "We're going to go re-establish a perimeter for you and your guests' safety, Matsudaira-sama. I must ask that you please refrain from calling us from our posts unless you feel you are in danger and require our protection."

"Of course!" the daimyo laughed, waving them off as though it were he who decided to put an end to their little interlude and not the senior ninja. "Go on, then! Go do your _shinobi_ work, _Team Kakashi_!" There was, of course, another round of stifled giggles at the sound of their team name, to which the four shinobi had to shake their heads.

_What a bunch of freaks._

* * *

Outside the room where the four young nobles continued to chatter and squeal over their tea, Team Kakashi shook out the mildly violated sensation that had assailed them in the presence of the giggling teenagers. What was wrong with today's youth?

"What's with the creepy little girl-giggles every time they say our names?" Naruto spoke up, frowning back at the slightly open door where a round of high pitched laughs had been going for twenty straight seconds. He shook his head as his face wrinkled slightly at the sound. "I mean, that's more scarring than Kakashi-sensei's dirty man-giggles, dattebayo."

Standing nearest to the door, ever on guard, Sai was obviously perplexed by something, as his eyebrows drew closer together as his mind beeped and processed—as all computers must—all that he had experienced in the room next to him. "They know an awful lot about us," he commented evenly, casting a calm look at his superior. "They really shouldn't have that much information on us."

"No, indeed," Kakashi nodded, standing back a few paces, as he was clearly mulling things over. None of it sat right with him. Not one bit of it.

"What about how they keep saying our full names?" Sasuke muttered, sending a hard look in the direction they had come from. "Bloody annoying..." He stuffed his hands deeper in his pockets as they fisted at the memory.

A trademark, foxy grin curved Naruto's lips as he slyly commented, "But not annoying in a _good way_, huh, Sasuke-_kuunnn_?"

The Uchiha jerked suddenly, head snapping up in a flash to stare at the other male in as close to open surprise as the former nuke-nin's face could be coaxed into displaying. "Dobe!?"

"Ha ha!" the blonde laughed. "What? You didn't know you talk in your sleep? 'Cause you _do_! A lot."

He laughed again, and Sasuke realized he was referring to the events of the previous night, when one of his bunshins had woken Sasuke up for watch duty. A cold vortex seemed to form within Sasuke's abdomen, as the full weight of what Naruto was saying settled upon his chest. Something had been amusing the prankster immensely last night, and now Sasuke knew what.

_I knew hormones were the Devil's tool..._

"And considering that," Naruto continued, watching his friend's reaction with perfectly veiled scrutiny, "you should be happy Sakura-chan didn't come along. Somehow, I doubt she would appreciate comments on her posterior, legs, and 'chestal area'," he made air commas here, "even if you did mean them as compliments." He finished with a cheeky grin, one that said he was the one running the show now and he _knew_ it.

Sasuke gritted his teeth, his jaw as a stone line along his face as he stared down the blonde who just kept rambling on.

"Though, now, thanks to you, I know that her butt really is 'as firm as it looks.'"

"Dobe!"

"And apparently her 'breasts are bigger than they loo—'"

"Shut up, usuratonkachi!" Sasuke shouted, his cheeks heated well past burning. "Shut up now!"

"You should be telling _yourself_ to shut up, teme-chan," Naruto replied cajolingly. "I'm only quoting you." He blinked innocently at the blushing, dark-haired male before him. When he wanted to be conniving, Naruto really had no tells.

"You do not need to repeat what I said while I was unconscious and not in control of my actions," Sasuke gritted out, voice rough as he tried to keep everything within him on an even keel. Goodness, this was mortifying.

Sai was watching on with the expression of an abandoned doll, obviously processing but not computing. And then there was Kakashi. Sitting there reading as though he were on vacation, rather than on a high-ranking mission to protect a very important person with his students arguing two feet away from him. Sasuke knew he was listening very intently to _everything_. And it wasn't just Naruto's embarrassing revelations of Sasuke's sleeptalking; he was still listening in on the daimyo and his guests, scanning the surroundings for unusual sounds, all the things all good shinobi did at all times on a mission. Even while they argued, he and Naruto were doing the same thing, as was Sai. Even so, he dearly wished the Copy-nin would focus solely on all those other things right now and spare him the nerve-nuking experience of another person witnessing his humiliation. (Sai did not count, in Sasuke's mind. The android wouldn't even understand a third of what was being said and Sasuke would make darn sure that he didn't get answers for the little bit he comprehended enough to ask questions about.)

Naruto was clearly enjoying his moment of glory, lording over his rival with one of the best kinds of power to possess—the power to inflict abject humiliation. "They say your true self comes out in your dreams," he countered, allowing himself a smug smirk of his own at the obvious implications of his words.

The Uchiha's face flickered with a pale smirk. "That would explain why Sakura is such a violent sleeper and why you chew on everything within two feet of you."

"I do not!"

He sighed as the smirk on his face grew. "Why do you think you always wake up with holes in your pillow and scraps missing from your blanket? Hell, I've seen you chewing on Sakura's arm before."

The jinchuuriki frowned, scratching the back of his head. "I don't remember that."

"She hit you pretty hard on the head, in her sleep."

"Oh," he hummed, looking off in thought. After a moment, he shook his head and his attention returned. "But back on topic. You are a pervert."

Sasuke nearly swallowed his tongue as his neck and face tensed. The accursed blush swept up his visage again, serving to further embarrass him. "Tch! So says the disciple of a porn writer and creator of the most perverted jutsu in history," he spat, turning his face away in disgust.

Naruto held up his hands in a show of virtue. "Hey, _I_ don't have inappropriate pictures of an innocent, unsuspecting girl and then have nasty dreams about her."

"Oh, I'm sure you don't." He rolled his dark eyes dubiously.

After a moment's pause, Naruto shrugged his assent and amended, "Well, okay. But I _don't_ have inappropriate pictures of anyone!"

"They're not inappropriate!" Sasuke snapped back, shaking his head vehemently. Oh, that blush was giving him third degree burns, he swore. "There is nothing _questionable_ about their subject matter."

"The fact that you have them is '_questionable_'," the blonde commented bluntly, staring Sasuke in the face with a look that was clearly unmoved. "And then you go and have nasty dreams about her yet, too, and still deny being a pervert? Puh-leez!"

"It was not 'nasty'," the dark nin insisted, grasping for words now. "It was...perfectly tasteful."

Naruto snorted. "Oh yeah. 'Cause you can dream-grope a girl 'tastefully'. They think that's real classy."

There was a moment of hesitation before the Uchiha quietly muttered, "Just...keep this to yourself, dobe. I...have enough trouble as it is."

Blonde brows rose slightly on the Uzumaki's tanned face as he took in the sight of his friend's uncomfortable form. "Well, it's not like I'm going to tell her, teme," he drawled, rubbing the back of his neck.

Some small corner of Sasuke's soul almost began to feel warmth again at those words. But then he just had to keep speaking.

"I mean, blackmail material on you is so hard to come by, there's no way I'd just _tell_ her about the illicit pictures and scandalous dreams," Naruto continued, a devious smile lighting his boyish face. "I'm going to make you my little doggy-go-fetch with this."

A short moment of dead silence hung between the two as one pair of bright blue, smiling eyes stared back at a pair of dark, narrowed, decidedly homicidal eyes.

"Naruto."

"Sasuke."

"You are a horrible person."

"I know!" the other male laughed. "Isn't it great?! Everyone thinks you're the evil one! But it's really me! It's my ultimate prank, really."

"You cannot do this to me," Sasuke said lowly, those eyes never lessening their glare.

Pausing, as though to ponder his rival's words, Naruto put a hand to his chin and looked off into the distance for a moment, before he turned back to him and said, "Mm... Yes I can."

"No."

"Yes."

"You're going to do this to me now?" Sasuke snapped, nearly incredulous at the situation at hand. "_Now?_ When I am—" he stopped abruptly, not willing to complete that line of thought. "No."

"I can't do this to you now, when you are finally trying to come up with a plan for how you'll make your move on Sakura-chan?" Naruto supplemented with a wily smirk. "Is that what you were trying to say there, teme?"

"...You know how..."

"Difficult it is for you to ask a girl out?" he finished again, leaning forward to catch the brooding man's eye directly. "That's what you were going for, I'm sure. Apparently, it's also difficult for you to talk about how difficult it is for you to ask a girl out. And, yes, I do know how difficult it is for you. This will teach you to procrastinate when pursuing love." He ended with a sigh and a shake of his head, like an exasperated parent who was at a loss as to what to do with a wayward child.

Sasuke's face pinched just a bit more at that. "_Dobe._ If you do this—"

Naruto interrupted him with a breezy assurance of, "I'm not going to 'do this' as long as you don't displease me." He grinned brightly. "Now, don't you _wish_ you had just sucked it up and asked her out? You wouldn't be in this situation if you had. I mean, if you were together, I _could_ have still told her about your filthy, _filthy_ preoccupation with her 'hidden assets', but it wouldn't make as big a difference as it would if I told her now, when you are decidedly _not_ together. Different circumstances make for very different reactions to the same information." A heavy sigh swept through Naruto as he shook his head in faux-pity. "And it could have all been avoided with a simple request for a date."

"Like it's that easy," the other male muttered with a scowl.

"It is that easy! You just say, 'Hey Sakura. Do you want to go for a walk?' And then on the walk, you say, 'Would you like to get some ramen?' And before you even knew you were doing it—BAM! You're on a date! Easier than pie! Because, as it turns out, pie actually isn't that easy." He looked thoughtful for a moment, recalling an unfortunate incident in his now-destroyed kitchen a few months back. "I miss my old wall colour," he mumbled to himself.

"It's not as simple as that," Sasuke insisted, ignoring Naruto's remembrance of his pie debacle. "Sakura is not as approachable as she used to be. I usually offend her when I talk to her."

"Oh, come on."

"You were at her place yesterday. You _saw_ what she did to me."

Naruto blanched at that. "Teme, I _felt_ what she did to you." A frown creased his face as he looked down and mumbled, "They're still not hanging quite right..."

"Ugh." Sasuke shook his head at the comment and continued. "Anyway, it's not as easy as just talking to her."

"Yes it is."

"No it's not."

"It is."

"It's _not_." Sasuke's frown became less irritated and more melancholic, as he shed some of his usual reticence and sought a way to better convey just how insurmountable his dilemma was. "She's... She's in a box, Naruto. In a box," he finally said, his voice holding a tone of defeat in it that was almost alien coming from Sasuke. "And it says in bright red letters, 'DO NOT TOUCH'."

Naruto was frozen in confusion, as his face screwed up in query and his brain ticked away, trying to figure out what he had just heard. Turning to his right, while keeping a questioning eye on his friend, he spoke quietly to Kakashi, "Is... Is he trying to be metaphorical?"

Looking up lazily, the greyhead eyed the man in question with an unreadable look. "It's difficult for people like Sasuke, Naruto," he explained slowly. "It cuts something deep and intrinsic to their being, in here," he tapped his chest, "to speak in metaphor."

"Oh..." the blonde grunted his understanding. Then another thought sprang to life in the well of wonder known as Naruto's mind, and he went on to ask, "So... Is it 'DO NOT TOUCH' as in he shouldn't get close to her emotionally, or 'DO NOT TOUCH' as in do not touch..._intimately_?"

The older man stared back at his student for a few moments, taking in his wide, expectant eyes and honest face. Yep. He was serious. "It's a _metaphor_, Naruto," Kakashi stressed, in an effort to get him to understand. "So, I'm fairly certain it's not the more obvious and vulgar meaning you suggested."

"So we're talking about them not getting it on, then?" he clarified, nodding to himself.

"Do you ever listen to what other people say, or do you just make up your own dialogue in your head for kicks?"

"But he said 'touch'—"

"It's a metaphor!" Kakashi repeated yet again, staring Naruto dead in the eye in hopes of conveying his point more clearly. "He's talking about not being able to touch her _emotionally_. He can't have a relationship with her."

Naruto nodded along slowly with what his sensei was saying, face set and clearly pondering. Clearly the internal processes of thought were not running as smoothly as the outer processes would lead one to believe because his response was thus: "...Like...a _sexual_ relationship?"

_He's a special, special boy. He's very special. He can't help it. It's not his fault._

"Your mind only runs on one path, doesn't it?" Kakashi sighed, watching on with mild pity. "And that path is also known as 'the gutter.'"

"What are you talking about?" the blonde replied, rearing at the thought of someone doubting his crazy-awesome mind skills. "I think on multiple levels all the time, dattebayo! I figured out Sasuke-teme was speaking in metaphor about how his sex life is dead and will never be resurrected. If that's not deep thinking, I don't know what is."

The Copy-nin hummed to himself, "No, indeed you don't."

Having heard most of the not-so private conversation, Sasuke was kicking himself for ever getting himself into such a mess. "I don't know why I'm talking to you about this. You know less than I do about how to handle Sakura."

That brought Naruto's attention zooming back to his rival/best friend. Raising a finger he replied, "In my defence, she is in her own class when it comes to temper and violent reactions."

"That's what I've been saying," Sasuke said, finally seeing some common ground in their situations. "That's why I can't get through to her."

"No, no. You have to come up with something different," the blue-eyed man insisted, waving a dismissing hand. "That's _my_ reason for why she beats me up for talking. You can't have the same excuse as me."

Sasuke couldn't help the deep frown of confusion that crinkled his face in uncomfortable ways. "Why the hell not?! It's a valid reason for both of us."

Rolling his eyes, Naruto drawled, "Have a little imagination, Sasuke-teme. Come up with something new."

"Technically, I _did_ say it first. And I'm not making a new excuse when this one _is_ the reason to begin with!" He was practically seething by this point, irritated by Naruto's retarded challenge, frustrated with his personal situation that had sparked this whole embarrassing fiasco, and ticked with this bloody mission in general.

From his post a few feet away, Kakashi commented thoughtfully, "It's conversations like this that fully illustrate just why you two anger Sakura when you talk to her. You're both stubborn, quick to anger, and easily caught up by insignificant issues."

"Oh, like we're going to take advice from someone whose life partner is porn," Sasuke snapped, unable to stop the sharp words from venting his aggravation.

A mildly disheartened sigh slid out of Kakashi's lungs. "You try to do a good thing and you get thanked with a slap in the face," he murmured to himself. "This is why parents hit their children."

"What?"

"Hm? What? Oh, I would_ never_ hit you, my children," he assured with a waving hand and an awkward laugh.

Both Naruto and Sasuke were frowning at him strangely now.

"What?" they repeated.

Ignoring their question, he instead ordered, "Go to your posts! We have a freak show to protect."

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

XOXO and Other Affectionate Letters

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Guttersnipe's Foreword:** So sorry it's a week late! I had a bit of trouble focusing on writing. Insomnia will do that to you. Well, please enjoy!

**Chapter 3**

The second night of the mission had the team once again guarding the daimyo's place of repose. The first shift had passed without incident, and Kakashi and Sai had given the watch over to Naruto and Sasuke not two hours ago.

Now they laid in wait, restlessly anticipating the arrival of whatever incompetent enemy had decided to threaten the daimyo's life. And when they caught them, Naruto was _so_ going to give the losers a lesson on assassination—because if they had just gotten it right the _first time_, the team wouldn't have Harusato for a client and life would be wonderful.

"Aw man," Naruto groaned, shifting uncomfortably under the eaves of the castle, outside the daimyo's room. He let out a tormented sound, muttering, "Don't think of water... Don't think of water..."

"_What_ is your deal, dobe?" came a temperamental voice over the radio.

The blonde was completely unmoved by the harsh tone, having more _pressing_ concerns to deal with at the moment. "Nngh! Why is there a koi pond _right there_?! It's like it's mocking me..."

The Uchiha rolled his eyes. "You're a ninja; you should be able to control your basic body functions by now."

A strangled hiss came back at him over the earpiece. "Some forces of nature cannot be controlled, teme. When you gotta go, you gotta go! And _maaann_, do I gotta go, dattebayo."

"Then go. Stop whining about it to me."

"If I go, I'll have to leave my spot, I might be seen by the enemy and then they won't attack and we'll be stuck here longer waiting for them to show up some other night, dattebayo." He shuffled in his spot, doing anything to ease his discomfort.

"Then stay put and stop complaining," Sasuke sighed, leaning back against the corner where he hid. "I just hope you realize that you won't be able to perform to your maximum in _that_ state."

There was a low grumbling from Naruto's end, as he acknowledged that he would definitely _not_ be able to boldly leap into the fray with such a biological encumbrance.

Hearing a distinct 'phwshhh' sound, accompanied by splashing, Sasuke's face convulsed into a violent cringe, and he growled, "Disconnect your radio, you retard!"

"What?! You never used a urinal next to another guy? It's the same deal," Naruto defended, feeling incomparable relief settle upon him. "Ahhh..." he sighed.

"It is _not_ the same!" the other male snapped back, nose crinkling at Naruto's _sounds_.

"I don't know why you're so offended. It's just a normal bodily function."

"So is burping or sex; that doesn't mean I want to hear you doing it right in my ear."

"You're such a priss."

"Tch. Just because I have manners doesn't make me a priss."

"'Manners'?!" Naruto scoffed, settling back into his hiding place. "Grabbing a girl's butt and then making a comment like, 'Very nice. But it would feel even better without the shorts,' doesn't strike me as particularly mannerly, dattebayo."

Sasuke scowled into the darkness, hoping his malice would travel through the night air and stab the other man in the face. "It was a _dream_!" he hissed vehemently, feeling that much-hated blush suffuse his pale skin.

"It still came from _your_ mind."

"I've also dreamed of stepping into a freezer and walking out of it dressed in a penguin costume," he muttered back. "Does that mean my true self is a penguin? No."

"Sounds to me like you want to become someone else—a new person," Naruto commented sagely, face set in that omniscient expression, finger to chin. "You wish to take on a new identity, as represented by the penguin costume. And do you know what that identity is, Sasuke?"

The other nin let out a deep, quiet sigh. "Oh, _do_ tell, Naruto."

"A pervert!"

Sasuke twitched violently for a split second before snapping, "_How_ do you get _that_ from a penguin suit?!"

"It's so obvious, teme," the blonde hummed, like the all-knowing genius he believed himself to be. "Emperor penguins—we are talking about Emperor penguins, right?"

"_Yes_," the dark nin hissed between clenched teeth, rolling his eyes at the inanity of the question.

"Okay. Emperor penguins will travel up to 120 kilometres _just_ to mate. And when they have babies, it's the dudes who take care of the egg until it hatches, while the girl goes and eats."

"..."

"See what I mean?"

"See what?!" Sasuke sputtered. "You didn't explain anything! You just reiterated some information from _March of the Penguins_. You always do this a week after you've watched a movie." He shook his head.

"Well, it _was_ very informative!" Naruto defended, voice screeching just a little. A thought hit him and he added, "And I'm _so_ going to have that narrator guy's voice when I hit middle-age."

The Uchiha scoffed. "You're really swinging for the fences on that one."

"And my point was _so_ obvious!" the other male continued, ignoring Sasuke's comment. "You want a woman—that is, Sakura-chan—to have your evil spawn. That's what you're all about. Ipso facto, you're a pervert."

"Logic doesn't even exist in your world, does it? Absolutely _no_ part of your conclusion followed from your argument!"

"Teme, teme," Naruto sighed, shaking his head as a patient parent would at an ignorant child. "My logic is undeniable. I learned this from Ero-sennin, after all." (Here Jiraiya-sama, God rest his soul, rolled in his watery grave at his name being used to justify _this_ argument.) "It makes perfect sense! You see, you're willing to go to great lengths to get with a certain woman, you want to have babies with her and be a good father to them, which all amounts to you being a pervert."

Sasuke rubbed his forehead painfully hard, willing himself awake from this bizarre nightmare. Yes, he would awaken in his own bed, this mission will have never existed, and Naruto would not be lecturing him on the correlation between penguins and perversion.

His head thunked dully on the wall of the castle. A deep sigh slid out of him. It was all still here.

And the blonde was _still_ talking. "You see, all guys are perverts at heart, teme. Ero-sennin taught me that. Part of you wants to embrace that—wants to don the penguin suit and act on your perverted tendencies by getting to makin' babies, and all that—but you're consciously repressing it, so it mostly only comes out in your dreams."

A vile chill flash-froze Sasuke's soul. Sweet holiness! Did Naruto just complete an argument that...followed some manner of..._logic_? As outlandish as it was, the conclusion still seemed to make sense in relation to the evidence presented, common sense set far, _far_ aside. The entire premise was completely insane—_Naruto_ was completely insane—yet, somehow he made it sound right, even to Sasuke's sceptical ears.

He hated it when Naruto did that; messed with your head, repeated something enough times so that you came to believe what he said, regardless of your own logic screaming, 'He's nuts! You're listening to a crazy person!' He _brainwashed_ people with his own ardent belief in his convictions! Sasuke found the idea of Naruto succeeding in doing such to him absolutely infuriating. He almost had the Uchiha convinced that he was one of those unscrupulous perverts, like Kakashi or the dobe himself. How humiliating. Such an affront to his dignity was inexcusable and he couldn't help but try to take his vengeance via the only outlet currently available to him: by picking at Naruto's faults, as he saw them.

"You know, I dislike you in ways I thought were impossible," Sasuke muttered over the radio. "And it's not just your retarded tendency to create logic where it should never, _ever_ exist. It's in the little things. Like how you have stretch marks on your face, as though you gave birth from your mouth. Or how you point at people with your chopsticks." He frowned at the memory. "Right in the face. It's unsanitary for both parties involved."

Naruto rolled his eyes and smirked as he listened to Sasuke's list of complaints. The whisker marks on his face were a pet peeve for the Uchiha? _Seriously_? "Could you _be_ more anal retentive?" he remarked, with a chuckle hiding in his voice.

Sasuke's brow furrowed at the mocking tone. There were no jokes here. Not when the Uchiha pride was involved. "Yes," he replied succinctly, not caring that he had just seemingly insulted himself. "I could comment on how you pack your kunai holster completely wrong, or your inability to pronounce 'library' properly. It's _library_, not _liberry_."

"The name of your saviour is Prozac, teme. Find him, _please_."

"You're the one with the problems."

A short laugh came from Naruto's end before he said, "_You're_ the one who thinks my habits are going to destroy your world unless they're stopped. Guess which one of us wins his very own padded room for that line of thinking?"

There was a moment of silence after that, as Sasuke had neither the energy nor the capacity to deliver a decent comeback and Naruto, having the upper hand, felt no need to continue poking at the metaphorical upside-down turtle that was Sasuke—i.e. a helpless loser.

"Gaahhh... Someone attack, already..." Naruto mumbled, more to himself than to his partner.

But Sasuke had also been thinking something along those lines. Walking through the specs of the mission again in his mind, the inconsistencies of it came glaring back at him. They knew something was off. That much had been obvious from their first few moments after arriving at the castle. But any attempt at discovering just what that something was required them to actually know what they were up against. Meaning, they needed another attack to occur. However, that facet in and of itself raised questions.

"How is it that the day we show up no attack happens, when there was one every day for five days prior?" Sasuke spoke over the radio, narrowed eyes scanning the nearby shrubbery.

"Maybe they knew we were here and we scared them off," Naruto offered unenthusiastically. A faux exuberance entered his voice when he added, "Hey! We've completed our mission! We can go home now."

"You really believe the world works that way, dobe?"

"I'll believe it if it means we can leave."

Sasuke couldn't argue with that line of reasoning, but didn't say anything back.

"Frankly, I don't think we should even be on this mission," Naruto commented thoughtfully.

"How's that?"

"Well, the guy is so..." he trailed off, face furrowed, eyes scanning the darkness of the overhanging roof as he sought the right expression. "Is 'gicky' a word?"

"Geeky?"

"No, 'gicky'. Like, he's so disturbing he's not just gross or icky, he's gicky."

Sasuke closed his eyes and shook his head at his friend's terminology. "That's not a word, Naruto. That's just you combining the other two."

"Well, that's how he makes me feel—gicky. Just...blehewugh!" The blonde shivered and cringed, as though trying to dispel an unpleasant taste. "Gives me the creeps. Makes you thankful Sakura-chan didn't come with us."

"Aa," Sasuke answered absently. He was brought back to reality by Naruto's chuckling over the radio. He scowled and muttered, "Shut up."

"Oh, come on! I really like 'lovesick puppy Sasuke'. It's _sooo_ cute!" the other male cooed, overly sweet. He could already see the deep-seated glower on the dark-haired nin's face.

"_Shut it._"

"Now, now," Naruto chided. "You can't catch flies with vinegar, teme. You need something sweet."

The Uchiha huffed silently. "If I were an Aburame, that might mean something to me, but I have no interest in flies."

Naruto's face went flat at his rival's literalness. "It's a metaphor, teme. You know, like you and your 'box' thing before."

"I'm aware, dobe. I was being irreverent."

"Ah, you were just being yourself."

Sasuke's frown deepened slightly, before returning to normal—the guy was right, after all.

"And you totally illustrated my point, Vinegar-tongue," he continued, a pleased ease upon his face.

"Are you going anywhere with this?" Sasuke grumbled, shifting in his corner when his foot began to tingle uncomfortably.

"Yes."

"..."

"..."

He sighed impatiently and harshly asked, "Are you going there sometime _this year_, or—"

"You messed up my train of thought with all your negativity," came Naruto's screeching voice over the radio. He was clearly displeased. "My thought train has been derailed! I hope you're happy!"

A small smirk twisted Sasuke's lips. "It's hard to derail something that was never on track to begin with."

"_Sasukeee!_" the blonde growled, dragging out the 'e', as he often did when he was upset with the addressed male. "Ugh! It was awesome, too! It was like the most epicest metaphor ever, dattebayo."

"I'm sure."

"It was!" Naruto insisted, scowling into the distance, as though his look would permeate the darkness and convey his displeasure to the man who had caused it. "It was _way_ better than your 'box' thing. Oh, how did it go?" His face took on that intense thinking look it always held when Naruto was seeking an answer to a dilemma that was simply beyond his mind's capacity to solve. Yes. _That_ one. "Something about vinegar and baking soda and they chemically react and then when you put them in a mix of other stuff, it all melds to become something else—something flies like."

Sasuke's face went blank in unimpressed reaction. "Oh, that certainly is a dazzling metaphor, dobe," he commented flatly.

"Shut up!" said dobe snapped back, bristling at the sarcasm permeating the other male's words. "It was _elegantly_ organized in my head before your pissy-waves messed with it."

"Hn."

"The point is change!" he continued, choosing to ignore the ungraciousness in his teammate's actions and give his advice anyway. "If your fly doesn't like vinegar, add something to the vinegar to make it into something the fly will like. If vinegar _really_ wants that fly and he's not happy just being a clear acid, he should do something about it."

"Oh, please, just drop the metaphor already," Sasuke groused, huffing in irritation.

"Hey! _You_ ruined it; _you_ will suffer through the mess you made!"

"Tch."

"Anyway, the moral is, you need to become a cake," Naruto explained, nodding in agreement with himself. "Become a cake for your fly, Sasuke."

"There is no heaven," the Uchiha mumbled under his breath. "That's just the lie we tell ourselves to get through this hell called life."

"What was that, Sasucake?"

Sasuke's face contorted as though swallowing a lemon, at the new nickname. "That is the one and only time you will _ever_ call me that," he spoke lowly, voice deceptively calm.

"Gotcha, Sasucookie."

"Do—"

A sudden crash sounded from within the rooms they were warding, putting an end to the duo's smack-talk.

"Naruto."

"I'm already moving, tortoise-chan."

Within moments of hearing the initial sounds of assault, both males were in the room, kunai brandished, prepared for whatever troublesome foe they might meet. Despite the inky black that hid the room's interior from view, the Konoha-nin were able to discern the scene surrounding them. A low table had been overturned, the expensive artistic accents and personal items on it were dashed to pieces on the floor, while a tapestry was torn by a broken shelf half-hanging from the wall. The air was heavy with the smell of what was undoubtedly cologne, a bottle having been smashed upon the floor. It was sickening to the point of spinning the edges of the ninja's minds. Leaning against his bed, clutching the blanket with a nervous hand, Harusato stood wide-eyed and near-hyperventilating.

"Are you hurt?" Naruto asked sharply, hoping to shake the daimyo out of his shock.

"N-no..." Harusato answered.

"Did you see them this time?" Sasuke asked gruffly, Sharingan eyes scanning the area, confirming what his instincts already told him—there were no foreign chakra signatures in this room.

"Yes...but they were just shadows."

"Which way did the 'shadows' go?" he pressed impatiently.

"I don't know. They just disappeared," the teen replied, voice quavering.

In blurs of movement, Kakashi and Sai arrived in the room.

"Is the daimyo safe?" the Copy-nin asked, surveying his surroundings with a shrewd, quick eye.

"Yeah. We missed the attackers, though," Naruto spoke, his voice subdued in disappointment. "We don't know which way they went."

The sensei was already in action, as his student spoke. After a quick flick of a kunai against his thumb and a few rapid hand seals, Pakkun materialized before them in a cloud of smoke.

"Kakashi," the small dog's rough voice drawled. "I know I have a contract with you, but don't you think you're abusing that privilege just a bit?"

"Pakkun."

"I ask for very few things in life," the canine continued, completely ignoring Kakashi or the urgency within the room. "One is a good night's sleep. Another is not to be yanked from my comfy doggy bed in the dead of night to chase down some dangerous people for a bunch of brats."

"Pakkun."

"I'm all about serving my village, and all that, but I prefer to serve from nine to five, not twenty-four/seven."

"_Pakkun_."

"Yes, Kakashi?" he finally acknowledged, turning his droopy eyes up in expectation.

"I need you to hunt down some people for me," the Copy-nin explained.

"Of course you do," the dog sighed, slouching lower to the ground.

"They were just in this room."

The ninja dog scratched at his ear a few times, replying, "Maa, I'll just search for recent scents, then. Though I can tell you right now, I'm not feeling terribly optimistic about this."

Kakashi turned back to his summon, his eye appearing slightly harder than usual. "Why? What's wrong?"

Pakkun took a tentative sniff and nearly turned green. "I know you can smell that broken bottle of cologne over there." He nodded in the direction of the mess of broken items on the floor. "I'm guessing it's that fancy stuff with pheromones in it. I'd be lucky if I could smell a dish of kibble if I were sitting on it, let alone finding your mysterious quarry."

Kakashi paused, feeling a tiny piece of the puzzle click into place within his mind. "Okay," he nodded slowly. "What if you searched the perimeter outside the room?"

"The chances of picking up a trail like that are extremely low, what with all the traffic out there, but I can try."

"Please do." He turned from the retreating dog to his waiting team. "Naruto. Sasuke. Do a search of the grounds. If you find a trail or a sign, inform me immediately. Sai. You will stay here and guard Matsudaira-sama."

A chorus of 'Hai's answered him, before everyone took to their duties.

When Pakkun's sniffing and Naruto and Sasuke's searching turned up no results, the Copy-nin accepted it with his characteristic calm, while his mind whirred as the picture became just a little clearer to him.

* * *

A large yawn pulled Naruto's mouth into a gaping chasm, as the normally hyperactive ninja stretched and blinked tired eyes at the early morning sun. An unsuccessful night meant another dignity-squashing day. Oh. joy.

"If I hear him giggle on more time, I'm sealing his mouth with an exploding note," he vowed to himself, frowning at his cold ramen breakfast. Even his one true joy in life was ruined by this mission. Well, screw this.

"Hey teme," he called to the silent male leaning against the shadowed wall, eyes closed as though wishing for sleep to overtake him again. Sasuke wasn't a morning person even on a good day. Today, he was probably wishing the world didn't exist so that, therefore, morning wouldn't exist, either. Regardless, Naruto couldn't care less about his rival/best friend's hatred for dawn; right now, his only joy was icy cold, which was completely unacceptable. It would be nigh sacrilege to eat it in such a state. And so he chose to prod the other male for assistance. "Sasuke, you teme," he repeated when no response came.

Deep furrows formed between the Uchiha's dark eyebrows, but, still, he remained silent.

"Teme! If you don't answer me, the first thing I'm doing when we get home is telling Sakura-chan all about your filthy, _filthy_ obsession with her. I'll have you put on the registered sex offenders list before I'm done, dattebayo!"

"What do you want, usuratonkachi?" Sasuke's irritated voice cut in. His dark eyes opened to slits of anger, his face a full scowl.

Naruto didn't even have the energy to grin with the satisfaction of forcing his rival to bow to his will. Under other circumstances, he would be lording it over the Uchiha, but that required some measure of elation that was, as of yet, absent from his day.

"My ramen's cold," he replied, proffering said food to the other grumpy male. "Heat it up for me with one of your Katon jutsu thingys."

"Do it yourself," Sasuke scoffed, closing his eyes again and settling back against the wall, arms crossed.

A wry smile whispered at the blonde's lips. "I wonder if Sakura-chan will take one or both your balls when she finds out about your deviant habits? I _know_ she won't use anaesthesia."

"I'm not a deviant!" Sasuke spat, glaring at the other man. "I don't want to hear that from someone like _you_."

"You will be one, in her eyes, once I've explained it all to her," Naruto replied, grinning cheekily despite his fatigue. "I can be very descriptive, you know. Those _supposedly_ innocent pictures and dreams will become akin to hardcore XXX voyeur porn, by the time I'm done explaining it to her, dattebayo."

Sasuke eyed the whiskered male carefully. "You wouldn't use your opportunity for blackmail on something this asinine."

"'Asinine'?!" Naruto screeched, eyes bugging in incredulity. "You just sinned against my ears!" he shouted, clapping his hands over said organs, eyes screwed shut.

"What—"

"Matters of ramen are _not_ asinine! Ramen is Greatness in food form! It's everything that's Good and True in this world! How _dare_ you sully its name with your foul words?!"

He stared at Naruto blankly. "So...you _eat_ 'everything that's Good and True in this world' for breakfast? Wouldn't that make you the Devil?"

"It's a metaphor! I'm good at those types of things, unlike you!" Naruto shot back, looking upon him with clear disapproval on his face.

"Oh, I know," Sasuke drawled sarcastically. "It's a wonder how you could have failed language class with such superior linguistic skills."

"I know, right?! Iruka-sensei was _totally_ off-base with that one, dattebayo!"

Naruto continued to bask in his self-perceived awesomeness, while Sasuke mentally banged his head against the wall—because doing that physically would have brought unwanted attention from the blonde and, really, right now, Sasuke would rather the guy continued to be preoccupied with himself than with him; spare him another 'epic metaphor' the likes of which the world should never see.

Like a sudden gust of wind, Kakashi appeared in their midst. His one visible eye was all business, though it crinkled slightly at the despondent expressions on his students' faces.

"Come now! Someday this will all be but an unhappy, repressed memory," he spoke easily.

The younger males cast him skewed looks, electing not to comment.

Seeing no avenue with his lethargic subordinates, Kakashi whipped out his dear _Icha Icha Paradise_ and settled against the nearby railing. There was no reason why _he_ had to be down and out just because the young'uns were emoing out. "If you boys would just pick up a hobby, you wouldn't find times like this so bothersome." He shook his book in demonstration.

Sasuke scoffed, wrinkling his nose at his teacher's hobby of choice. "Getting lost in a fake porno world isn't something I feel like occupying my time with."

"But you would if it were a _real_ porno world?" Naruto clarified, staring at his comrade with an open expression."

"I didn't say that."

"But you didn't say anything to the contrary, either."

"That doesn't mean it's true."

"But you still haven't denied it."

"I don't need to deny it!" Sasuke snapped, irritation levels spiking. "I'm not going to give you the satisfaction."

"That's what she said. Heh heh!" Naruto chuckled at his own joke.

Dark eyes narrowed on the snickering blonde. "Shut up, usuratonkachi."

"And yet, _still_ no denial." The jinchuuriki smiled widely at the man he was pestering.

Sasuke let out a low huff of air before turning away with nose raised. "I'm not getting dragged into another one of your stupid arguments."

"Trying to deflect still doesn't change the fact that you're not denying it."

"And I'm not going to."

"Because it's true, right?"

"N—"

"Sasuke hearts porn!" he shouted, drawing the attention of a number of servants and other workers nearby.

"Shut the hell up, you retard!" the Uchiha snapped, very conscious of the strange, disapproving looks he was getting from the nearby females, and even more conscious of the wide grins beaming his way from a few older men who would probably make good friends with Kakashi. They had '_Icha Icha_ Fan Club' written all over them.

"That's _still_ not a denial!" Naruto insisted, shaking his head. "SASUKE!"

"Dobe!"

"PORN!"

"You—!"

"HE LOVES HIS PORN!"

"Naruto!"

"Sasuke's a big porn-lover! That's another thing to tell Sakura-chan about when we get home!"

"You won't—"

"I will! I told you to warm up my ramen, yet it's _still_ cold." He clucked his tongue in disappointment. "I have no choice but to tell her now! My hands are tied!"

"You will not—"

"I'm gonna tell her you wish life were a disgusting XXX porn movie, dattebayo! And she'll believe me." He shook a finger in Sasuke's face, emphasizing his point. "You know why? Because everything about you screams, 'Repressed hormones! I'm a nymphomaniac at heart! Now, where's my porn, so I can supplement my unfulfilled obsession with Sakura with tasteless smut that I'll never experience in real life?!'"

Sai came around at 'I'm a nympho' and stared curiously at Naruto for the remainder of his rant. When the blonde finished, the ROOT member attempted—that's _attempted_—an encouraging smile and said, "It must have taken a lot of courage for you to admit such a private secret so loudly, Naruto-kun. Good for you! I've read that keeping such secrets and being in denial about them is very emotionally destructive, both to yourself and to others. That you've finally openly admitted it means you are ready to take the next step in overcoming your addiction."

He took a step forward and placed a hand on the other male's shoulder, to which Naruto's eyes widened significantly as he stared back and forth between Sai's face and his pale hand, bewildered by the situation.

_Placing a hand upon an insecure person's shoulder lends them comfort and lets them know you are there to support them, _Sai thought to himself, recalling having read such advice in a book once. _It's awkward, but Naruto-kun will draw strength and reassurance from it. So, I must endure the discomfiture. _

_Eye contact is also important in these situations. _

He made certain he was staring straight into Naruto's wide, wavering gaze, as he continued, "I offer you my assistance in this endeavour. I have read much on this 'step program' approach that is recommended for overcoming addictions, and I believe that I can guide you through it. Of course, you need a strong support base around you, right now." He frowned, an uncomfortable look crossing his face as he glanced at Sasuke. "Though, the Traitor's presence may prove to be a hindrance, considering your _intimate_ relations with him."

"Oh my Ramen! Stop talking now!" Naruto shouted, making warding motions with his arms, as though to protect himself from Sai's words, shaking the other male's hand off his shoulder in the process.

"What is it, Naruto-kun?" Sai asked, a strange half-formed frown of concern on his pale face.

"I don't need your help! _I'm_ fine!"

"The book said this might happen," he nodded to himself. "You're backsliding into denial. But you must fight it. You're stronger than your addiction, Naruto-kun!" A never-before-seen look of urgency made its awkward appearance on Sai's rigid face. "You just have to believe in yourself. And if you fear you're not strong enough, know that we are here for you. You can rely on us."

While Kakashi and Sasuke looked on in pure amusement, Naruto sputtered, trying to explain himself to the fourth man.

"It's not like that, dattebayo!" he insisted, shaking his head in emphasis. "I wasn't even talking about me."

"No, of course not," the artist nodded his understanding. "It was the _old_ 'you'. The 'you' that shall exist no more, now that you're on the road to recovery. That 'you' is _dead_! Yes. Excellent visualization of your goals, Naruto-kun," he said, nodding his head avidly. "It's important that you don't lose sight of that. The old, sex-addicted 'you' is dead and gone. The new 'you' is alive and well and _does not need sex to feel good about himself_." Sai made certain he was staring intently into Naruto's disturbed gaze as he emphasized the last statement. "That's a mantra you should repeat to yourself anytime you feel yourself backsliding into your old, unhealthy habits of debauchery. Sex is _not_ love."

"Sai!" the blonde cried, shaking his head. "I'm not a sex-addict! That was—"

"Yes, I know. That's not who you are anymore," he nodded again. "It is in the past, never to be revisited. _Except_ to complete your next step, which is to take ownership for your actions and apologize to all those who your addiction may have hurt. So, all your friends and even your casual lovers," his eyes shifted meaningfully in Sasuke's direction, "you need to apologize to them for the pain your actions may have caused."

Naruto stared back at the artist, his expression sour, as though he just swallowed five lemons consecutively.

On the railing, Kakashi had his book raised high to cover his entire face, as he fought to contain his laughter, though his shoulders were visibly shaking.

In his spot by the wall, Sasuke was in similar straits, having bowed his head and turned away to hide his _very_ amused expression from view, an unchecked grin making his jaw ache. Ah, Karma was a dear, wasn't she? And so prompt, too.

Still sputtering, Naruto again attempted to correct Sai's misunderstanding. "I wasn't talking about _me_. I was talking about _Sasuke_."

"Sasuke-kun?" Sai frowned, clearly troubled by this new information. "That's...a little odd, don't you think?"

"Huh? It's not weird."

"Well... I know I should not be judging." An uncomfortable look edged his features as he spoke. "I'm supposed to be supportive but, identifying your past self as 'Sasuke' and having taken Sasuke-kun as a lover when you _were_ your past self, seems a little..._odd_."

"When are you going to realize that we're not like that?!" Naruto shouted, waving his hands erratically. "_That_ has never and will never happen!"

From his place of brooding, Sasuke was nodding along vigorously with the blonde's statements. Good grief! How thick was the Replacement that he still didn't get it? Or perhaps, Sasuke thought, he did get it but chose to play ignorant to piss them off. Oh, that so seemed like the Replacement's style. His glower darkened a shade at the thought.

Sai blinked innocently at the two scowling shinobi, curiosity and confusion showing through his features. "But I clearly saw you and the Traitor—"

"You saw Naruto on the verge of vomiting and me trying to escape him after fighting with each other," Sasuke said, his tone sharp and not at all amused.

"That's not what it loo—"

"It doesn't matter what it looked like! _We're telling you it wasn't, so it wasn't!_" Naruto screeched, slashing an arm through the air in a sign of conclusion.

"If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck," Sai replied, raising a brow meaningfully.

"_Or_ it's just Sasuke's duck-butt hairdo," Naruto shrugged, earning a nasty look from said duck-butt sporting male.

Sai paused a moment, obviously pondering the blonde's off-hand counter, as he eyed Sasuke's head critically. "I will concede to your point, Naruto-kun," he said with a nod.

Naruto grinned cheekily while Sasuke cast dark looks at both males. They had no idea the trouble he went to for this epic 'do! Half a container of wax and gel, and intense conditioner for that full-body movement in the wind made for very expensive upkeep! Upkeep he took great pride in.

_Freaking noobs with their simple hairstyles. Only Kakashi could possibly understand the trials and drama involved in coaxing your hair into defying gravity twenty-four/seven._

"Well, everyone," Kakashi sighed, turning another page in his book. "We have another day ahead of us. While it's unlikely an attack will occur during the day, considering the pattern, Matsudaira-sama must be guarded at all times, nonetheless."

Looks of resentment overtook two of his subordinates' faces, while Sai remained neutral, as always.

"And why is no one with him now?" Sasuke asked, eyeing the two nin who had shown up there last.

"It's fine," Kakashi shrugged. "He's in there," he nodded at the nearby room, not fifteen feet from them. "But that's also something I wanted to discuss. While you're guarding him, I want you to observe him carefully; his habits and his characteristics."

Naruto pulled a face at that. "Isn't it bad enough we have to be _near_ him, now we have to, like, look at him and stuff, too?"

"You can oftentimes learn a lot about your enemy by learning about their victims," Sai said, his tone such that it was obvious he was reiterating some textbook line. Turning to the Copy-nin, he added, "That is what you are aiming for, is it not, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Aa. Something like that," the greyhead hummed absently. Another page turned.

"Is there anything specific you want us to look out for?" Sasuke asked.

"Mm. Anything that you find strange, is all."

"Pfft!" Naruto snorted. "Let's pick out the things that are _normal_ about him! It'll be a lot quicker. He's human, so that's one. Aannd...that's it! All done!"

Kakashi's eye twinkled ever-so slightly. "Just observe carefully. I don't have to tell you to be inconspicuous."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Aa."

"Hai."

* * *

The day passed without incident, as had been expected. Attempting to comply with Kakashi's orders, Naruto had observed some of the daimyo's activities more closely than usual...for all of ten minutes. It was fine when the kid was playing _Chrono Trigger_ and kept getting ticked off when Magus pwned him in the Fiendlord's Keep, but when he switched to playing make-believe battles with his superhero dolls—I'm sorry, with his _action figures_, Naruto drew the line. He just couldn't make himself watch someone pretend that Spiderman could defeat Green Lantern without assistance and then have Sailor Moon come in and pwn the entire Justice League herself. Really, the guy had no concept of continuity in his play.

Sasuke had similar problems when it came to studying their strange client. Five straight episodes of _Star Trek_ wasn't something he had ever really cared to sit through. Five straight episodes of _Star Trek_ while a geeky teenager repeated the script of each episode verbatim, complete with sound effects, was something he would sell a kidney to ensure he would never have to sit through again.

Somehow, the day drew to a close, with the ninja a little more mentally numb, but otherwise no more worse for the wear.

Alas, another night meant another shift of watch duty for the four ninja. An unexpected warm front had moved in, making the night air uncomfortably hot, which only served to further irritate the already out of sorts men.

It was the second watch, already. Naruto and Sasuke had opted for the posting again as a sort of atonement for last night's failure. They were certain the attack would occur during the later hours of the night. All the previous attacks had occurred during this timeframe, as well. In addition to being total retards at extorting and killing people, the attackers were also very formulaic. But this apparent simple-mindedness did not ease the shinobi's nerves. Indeed, it served more to infuriate them, that they had been routed by such idiots.

Naruto was once again hidden in the eaves of the castle. This time he had the foresight to visit the facilities prior to taking up his duties, so no urgent biological needs would be distracting him tonight. "We gotta be extra vigilant, teme," he said, blue eyes scanning the dark foliage beyond his perch. "There'll be no failure from you, tonight."

"From _me_?" Sasuke repeated, rearing at the accusation. "Are you suggesting that _I_ am to blame for last night's debacle?"

"No one's laying blame," Naruto spoke diplomatically. "I'm just saying, you had better not screw up this time."

The dark nin rolled his eyes. "I didn't screw up! If one of us messed up, it was _you_."

"_Me?!_"

"Yeah, _you_. You got there first, didn't you?" he sneered, a smirk coming through in his words. "'I'm already moving, tortoise-chan,' that's what you said. The first on the scene is the first one responsible for pursuit and capture. That's standard procedure."

Naruto pulled a face at the allegations Sasuke was laying against him. "Pfft! If _you_ hadn't been spreading all your negativity around, I wouldn't have been troubled with the task of dealing with your emofit and then I could have focused properly on the important stuff, dattebayo."

"Your inability to focus isn't due to anything I've done; it's due to your ADHD. If you were mature enough to take your Ritalin yourself, it wouldn't be a problem. And unfortunately, Sakura isn't here to administer it for you."

"Sakura, Sakura, Sakura!" Naruto groused, sighing as he shook his head. "That's what it always comes back to with you. You're like one of those girls who obsess over a guy who doesn't even know they exist, and spend their time drawing hearts around their names and editing pictures so it looks like they're kissing." He let out a dramatic gasp as a revelation hit him. "You're a fan-girl! You're a Sakura-chan fan-girl, dattebayo!"

"I am not!"

"You so are, you loser!"

A deep tic formed in Sasuke's brow, making his face hurt, as he attempted to rein in his irritation. He would _not _get into it with Naruto again. He would _not_ get into it with Naruto again. He would _not_—

"That explains why you've been stalking her for the past few months.

"I have _not_ been stalking her!" he snapped, his vow to remain impassive out the window now.

"I'm pretty sure following a person around without them knowing about it constitutes stalking, teme-chan."

"It wasn't—"

"'It wasn't like that,' is what you were going to say." Naruto chuckled at the thought of his friend's sour expression right now. "But I don't see how it couldn't be 'like that'. I mean, you weren't carrying her books and groceries for her, so you weren't doing her a service, and you weren't engaging in light and witty conversation with her, so you weren't flirting with her. She didn't even know you were there, so what else could it have been, if it wasn't 'like that'? And just so I'm sure we're on the same page here, 'like that' means 'depraved and creepy beyond what's legal', right?"

"..._Yes_." Sasuke reluctantly bit out, face set in a lifeless expression. For the love of... How had Naruto known about the stalking—ah, the covert surveillance he was conducting on Sakura? He had been so careful, too. It wasn't like he was doing anything weird. It was just...supervision. Yes. That's it. He was supervising her to make sure she was...safe and..._alone_. That is to say, to make sure she wasn't being followed by other stalkers—by _real_ stalkers, I mean...andtomakesureshewasn'tgoingtoseeanyoneelse, either. But that was it! It wasn't like he was watching her in the shower, or something else 'depraved and creepy beyond what's legal'. I mean, he couldn't do that even if he wanted to; her bathroom doesn't even have a window. Duh! And he knew that because he has been to her house before, _not_ because he peeked in every window in her home in hopes of finding it. Yeah. ...Ahem.

"You know, when I think about it, I really shouldn't be using this information to blackmail you," Naruto said, contemplation in his voice.

That small bubble of hope that had always been so reluctant to rise within Sasuke, began its upward trek, ever-so slowly...

"I pretty much have a _duty_ to inform the authorities about you now. You're a freaking sexual predator."

...only to be popped effortlessly by his accursed best friend. Nice.

"I am no such thing," Sasuke muttered, glaring at a particular tree for no reason other than it was _there_.

"You also say you're not a pervert, a Sakura-chan fan-girl, or a stalker, yet we both know those are lies," Naruto hummed, stating everything as fact now, not even bothering to put emphasis into his words in an attempt to convince anyone; there was no doubt anymore. "Let's face it; this doesn't exactly come as a surprise. You were headed down this path a long time ago, already."

"Tch."

"I mean, you ran off to learn from the Snake Sicko. Who better to learn stalking and predatory techniques from than the guy who stalked and preyed on you?"

"It wasn't—"

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto interrupted, voice bland. "It wasn't like that. I heard you the first time. But if it wasn't like that, it doesn't explain why he always stuck his tongue way out and licked his lips when he looked at, talked about, or thought about you."

"He had a nervous twitch," Sasuke muttered, scowling at the memories of a few altercations he had had in Sound. Yeah. That tongue was nasty.

"Oh, is that what they call it nowadays?"

A sudden, shrill scream made both shinobi tense. It took them scant seconds to arrive at the scene, weapons ready and instincts sharp. Naruto arrived first, being the closest one to the exit. Sasuke followed seconds later.

Splayed out on the floor, half-through a broken shoji screen, Harusato lay, trembling and moaning in pain. The smell of blood was evident, though not pervasive. Whatever injuries he had sustained had to be minimal.

"Dobe?"

"They're not here."

Kakashi was in the room moments later, looking to his students expectantly.

"Where's Sai?" Naruto asked, helping the daimyo to his feet.

"He's outside to watch for anyone making a retreat," the older man explained, taking his surroundings in quickly.

"How the hell could you let them get past you, dobe?!" Sasuke snapped, glaring at the other male.

"Hey!" Naruto cried, clearly affronted and not a little annoyed. "What makes you think they got past _me_?! They probably got past you and your freaking _blind_ eyes!"

"What did you just—?"

"That's enough!" Kakashi barked, his eye flashing with slight irritation; a rare display for him. Really, no one was enjoying this mission, least of all the Copy-nin. "Did any of you see them?"

"No," Naruto answered, clearly dejected at being thwarted yet again.

"They just disappeared like last time," Sasuke muttered, eyeing the room critically. "This is ridiculous," Sasuke muttered to himself, scowling at a fresh hole in the previously pristine wall. That enemies who were so clearly less than even amateurs had eluded capture while he was on watch was a serious slap in the face and kick in the butt to his ego. And it wasn't just the failure—it was also that this meant he would have to spend more time around the Replacement and that punk daimyo. He wasn't sure which one was creepier—the dick-obsessed robot or the Team Seven-obsessed basement child. Both were currently ranked second on his updated hit list (number one was permanently reserved for Naruto, considering how often the guy pissed him off).

To his left, Naruto was kicking sulkily at the remains of a broken end table. "They sure cause a lot of damage," he commented quietly, as he glanced about the room. "No wonder they've never gotten around to chopping that geek's head off; they spend all their attack time busting up his stuff. Are these guys even serious about killing him? Seems more like they're just messing with him."

Sasuke nodded mentally. The lack of organization involved in virtually every aspect of these 'attacks' had been highly suspicious from the very beginning. Sasuke and Sai's initial investigation of the first crime scene had made it very clear to him that things weren't as they seemed. And as the days passed, the horrible feeling that this crappy mission was nothing more than an otaku's dream come true became more and more pervasive. He wasn't the only one thinking this way. Kakashi had been suspecting something was off from the get go, and if the Replacement wasn't a total retard, he did too.

"You two will go help Sai with the search," Kakashi ordered, to which they both nodded and then disappeared.

Off to the side, Kakashi made a few movements and a moment later a puff of smoke signalled the arrival of Pakkun.

"You know, you're seriously killing my love life with this new habit of yours," the ninken groused, staring up at his summoner with apparent disinterest.

"Pakkun, I—" Kakashi began, only to be cut off by said dog.

"You probably think I just sit around at home, chewing on a bone, waiting for you to summon me."

"Pakkun."

"Well, I don't," the pug continued, ignoring the man before him. "I have people to see, parties to attend, ladies to seduce, but you're not making that easy for me."

"_Pakkun_."

"Yes, Kakashi?"

"It's the same deal as last time."

A deep sigh seemed to deflate Pakkun's small form by half. "Hai, hai," he mumbled, nose already to the floor, tail high, as he trolled for the scent of the enemy.

After a few minutes of sniffing, Pakkun stopped moving and sat himself down, though he continued to sniff regularly and managed to rub at his nose with his paw.

"Maa. It's no use, Kakashi," he called out, his voice sounding strangely muffled, despite his mouth being unobstructed.

"What's wrong," the Copy-nin asked, eyeing his summon carefully. Something was off with this guy.

"That humidifier is emitting some sort of potpourri that's blocking up my sinuses here," the dog managed to say between sniffles and subsequent sneezes.

"You're serious?"

Pakkun turned his droopy, watering eyes on Kakashi, ever-sober. "It's four in the morning and I have mucous running down my cute muzzle. Do I look like I'm joking?"

The senior nin sighed quietly, nodding to let Pakkun know that he could return home.

On his bed, Matsudaira was being tended to by an attendant, having his minor wounds cleaned, which brought small winces and yelps from the young noble.

In a blur of movement, Kakashi was back outside. He pressed the contact button on his radio and spoke, "Has anyone found anything?"

"Nope."

"No."

"No."

He nodded to himself, his suspicions confirmed, before saying, "Come back here."

"We're not done canvassing the area, yet," Naruto protested. He _really_ wanted to catch these people!

"You're not going to find anything. Come back," Kakashi repeated, leaving no room for argument.

A few moments later, the team was back together, not five metres from the daimyo's lit bedchamber. The younger nin were watching their leader with mild confusion, as they awaited his explanation.

"We've been here three days, there have been two incidents, and we have yet to even see the perpetrators," Kakashi began, keeping his voice low to ensure the privacy of their conversation. "This isn't so unusual; ninja must be patient. Our work is rarely completed in one day."

"Kaka-sensei," Naruto spoke up. "If this is about us letting them get past us, we—"

"This isn't about that," the greyhead cut him off, shaking his head. "I suspect no one got past you, this night or last."

"What do you mean?"

"What have you observed about Matsudaira-sama? I told you to watch him carefully."

"He likes making tea," Naruto offered bluntly, brow skewed in question as he wondered whether that were pertinent information or not.

"And?" Kakashi prodded, looking for something more.

"Aanndd...shinobi?" the loudmouthed ninja slowly dragged out, squinting at his teacher in question.

"Anyone else?" the elder male asked, looking to the other two in the group.

"He has information on us that he should not, so far as to know I am a member of ROOT," Sai responded evenly. "It may not be difficult to learn of your rank or even your team name, but for an outsider to know of my involvement in the organization, and the circumstances under which I joined this team, is highly troubling."

"Yes," Kakashi nodded. "He knows an awful lot about us, from our jutsu to our personal information. He knows what we're capable of, but that also means he knows what we're incapable of, to some extent."

"Eh?" Naruto grunted, while the other two watched on expectantly.

"I can assume he knew about my ninken. It's not really a secret; I've used them so often. However, somehow, on the two nights we have attacks, there is something released into the air of the room to thwart even Pakkun's nose. Now, on the night of the first attack, I thought perhaps a ninja could have thought fast and made certain that they broke the bottle of cologne to throw us off and been lucky that it had pheromones in it, or it could have indeed simply been collateral damage. But tonight it was a potpourri in Matsudaira-sama's humidifier that did it. Pakkun's allergic to roses like you wouldn't believe," he explained, when he got strange looks. "That's two times where the one person who could have found our disappearing attackers was rendered incapable of using the talent that could have detected them. The cologne could have been a coincidence, but the humidifier is not. That was Matsudaira-sama's doing."

Realization swept over the two dark-haired nin, as the implications of Kakashi's words hit home.

A certain blonde was a little bit slower on the uptake, but he too soon saw where his teacher was going with his explanation. "You think he's the attacker?!"

"Keep it down, dobe," Sasuke muttered, glancing back at the castle. "We don't want him knowing we know."

"Why not? I'll go in there and show that loser to mess with us!"

"No, you won't," Kakashi interjected calmly, having been expecting such a reaction from Naruto.

"But he's totally screwing with us!" A melancholic frown bent his features. "I feel used! Like a doll that's no longer loved by its owner and was given to the family pet as a chew toy!"

Sasuke cringed, shaking his head. "How do you come up with these things?"

"I use my brain, unlike you."

"Tch! You—"

"Children will behave!" Kakashi interrupted sternly, eyeing them both evenly.

They scowled back at him for having the audacity to call them 'children', but he would make no apologies—if the shoe fits, and all that.

"Now, as I was saying—"

"Kaka-sensei," Naruto cut in, frowning curiously at the grey-haired man. "Aren't we kind of being careless."

He watched the blue-eyed youth questioningly. "What do you mean?"

"Well, basing your whole theory on Pakkun being nose-blocked is kind of a weak premise, isn't it?" the jinchuuriki explained, scratching his cheek thoughtfully.

"It's not just that," Sasuke spoke up. "He's way too relaxed. Someone who's had multiple attempts made on his life doesn't sit back and have tea with his buddies during the day, in the very room he was once attacked in. It's like he _knows_ he won't be attacked during the day. And then he brags about his life being in danger to his friends and basically shows us off to them. They're obsessed with shinobi. He was more interested in us personally than he was with letting us do our job." He shook his head. "If he truly feared for his life, he wouldn't be so carefree."

Kakashi nodded, before adding, "And then figure in that he hasn't been seriously hurt—a few cuts and scrapes don't count; a dedicated faker would do that themselves in a heartbeat. Then there's the threat letter that supposedly arrived five days after the attacks began. That never made any sense. No harm was ever done to the daimyo, but his room would be trashed. It's all completely disorganized, and entirely inefficient. No shinobi would do this. Not even to throw us off. It simply cannot work."

"So...are we going to leave then?" Naruto asked, glancing between his comrades. "I mean, if there are no attackers, then there is no mission, right? We don't need to stay."

"It's not that simple," Kakashi sighed, rubbing the back of his neck tiredly. "We can't just go to the daimyo and say, 'You're a liar, so we're leaving.' We have to gain substantial proof of his trickery so it doesn't look like we're the liars."

"But we already proved it!"

"No, we need physical evidence."

"You don't think he'll cave if we just confront him with what we know?" Sasuke asked, not liking the idea of sticking around to search for proof of Harusato's guilt.

"He's so into this story, I think he'll do anything to keep it going," the Copy-nin answered. "He's obviously not the _best_ at staging faux crimes, but he did manage to keep us guessing for a few days. He won't cede defeat unless we have proper proof. And for Konoha's reputation as well, we need to go about this properly. We don't want a daimyo accusing our village of unprofessionalism."

The others nodded their agreement, grudgingly accepting what they must do.

* * *

The next morning, Harusato requested Team Kakashi assemble before him so he could address them on a certain matter. Kakashi held no illusions as to what that matter was—it was the next step in the young lord's plan, and the only way he could step it up was to do this certain thing. But he kept it to himself and didn't share it with his team. No need to send Naruto and Sasuke into the room annoyed _and_ pissed off. No it would be better that they became pissed off afterward. Less chance of bloodshed that way.

"You still haven't caught my attackers. I find this most unsatisfactory, _Team Kakashi_." The yiggle they knew they would never get used to, came out here, forcing the shinobi's shoulders to bunch in irritation. "Perhaps you are forgetting that my _life_ is on the line, here! I thought I had Konoha's finest guarding me, but it would seem that was all merely hype."

The rage simmering within two of his subordinates was nearly palpable to Kakashi. Oh, those boys _hated_ this daimyo. _Hated._ And that sentiment had only amplified after last night's revelation. Not that Kakashi himself was in a much more positive state of mind. Being repeatedly insulted by a punk-brat who was only tolerable to his, no doubt, enabler mother, wasn't really something he appreciated. But unlike his students, he wasn't easy to anger—at least not externally.

"Matsudaira-sama," Kakashi began, his voice deceptively easy. "I assure you, you are safe in our care. The events of these past two nights have presented some anomalies, which we are sorting out."

"While you're preoccupied with your 'sorting', the lord is still in mortal danger!" Gin spoke up, his face contorted in clear disgust.

"He will be safe. We will not allow any harm to befall the daimyo."

"I'm not convinced. I don't feel the confidence and safety I felt with you before," Harusato answered sharply, eyeing them with a desperately held-together unimpressed look. Oh, he was trying hard here. "I think you should call for backup."

And there it was. Exactly what Kakashi had expected. After all, he already had a full team of ninja. The only way for the daimyo's twisted little fantasy game to get even better would be to have more shinobi show up. Bigger and grander, the plan had to grow, after all. That's how obsessions work.

"Matsudaira-sama, that is really unnecessary," Kakashi replied calmly. "We can handle this."

He was _so_ not calling for backup when there wasn't even a real mission to complete! It would be a terrible waste of resources and, honestly, he _really_ didn't want to give this kid the satisfaction.

Harusato was not appeased by his answer. "I don't believe you can. Now, I am commissioning backup for the team I am currently contracting. This is my request as your client and as the Matsue Domain's daimyo," he proclaimed, holding himself high and as commanding as a pale, scrawny sixteen-year-old who was hunched from playing video games all day could get.

In an act of truly admirable self-control, the Copy-nin bit his tongue behind his masked lips and gave a quick bow. There would be no deterring him and if he wanted it, it was Kakashi's begrudging duty to see to it that he got it. Pissing of a daimyo wasn't something Tsunade would reward kindly, after all.

"If that is your request, I will send word to Konoha immediately," he replied in a tone that sounded blandly acquiescent, but was clearly peeved off to his students' experienced ears.

The daimyo was clearly pleased by the ninja's concession, his lips quirking in poorly controlled satisfaction. "Excellent. I will feel much more at ease once they arrive."

"Matsudaira-sama," Kakashi addressed the teen, giving another short bow, before the team left the young noble's presence.

Once they were out of earshot, a scowling blonde couldn't hold off his tirade any longer.

"I can't believe what a huge douche that guy is! Insulting our ninja prowess like we're some noobs. What does he think we're some genin who are in over their heads?!"

"Technically, you and Sasuke-kun _are_ still genin," Sai commented easily, as though he were pointing out the obvious.

Naruto stared back at the artist, eyes slitted in disdain, while one of Sasuke's eyebrows crouched lower on his face as he turned his nose up in indignation. Ooh. Touchy subject.

"_Technically_, we're qualified to be jounin," Naruto clipped out, his face stony.

"Technically, that statement cannot be made unless you have successfully completed the Jounin Exam. And before you can do that, you must successfully complete the Chuunin Exam. Since you have done neither, you are _technically_ only qualified to be exactly what you are—genin."

By this point, Naruto's short fuse was somewhere between 't. ' and 'he's so getting a fist to the face for his birthday'. You. did. not. insult. his. ninja. powa!

"I'm saying we're _strong_ enough to be jounin."

"And I'm saying that what you're saying is biased and untrue."

"It is so true!"

"No it is not," Sai calmly insisted, shaking his head. "You are not of such status that you are qualified to make such a judgement on any ninja, and are most certainly not qualified to pass judgement on yourself. Therefore, your claims are illegitimate."

"Pfft! Listen here, you teme-wannabe! You—"

"Excuse me?" Sai interrupted, the blank expression absent from his face as some rare display of irritation furrowed his brow and tightened his visage. "'Teme-wannabe'? I am no wannabe. I didn't fill the Traitor's spot in this team—I _recreated_ it. I'm not some poser teme. I'm the real deal."

"You'll never be half the teme Sasuke is!" Naruto shouted, looking upon the other male indignantly.

"Pfft. I'm ten times the teme that traitor is."

"No you aren't! What that guy does with his temeness; it's like an art, dattebayo!"

Sai cocked an eyebrow and said, "And just who do you think you're talking to?"

"Pfft! This is _way_ more than swirling colourful paste on a canvas and rubbing some fire remains on some paper!" the blonde replied, waving his hands in some communicative gesture understood only to Naruto. "I'm talking _live_ _implementation_! A living, breathing art form! You've got nothing on that! Nothing, I tell you, dattebayo!"

"You're awfully emotional about this. Do you have a thing for Traitor's 'thing', Dickless?"

"Gah!" Naruto shouted, blanching at the other male's vulgar words. "Stop saying sick stuff like that! You're the only one with a thing for other peoples' 'things', you perv!"

The artist looked mildly incredulous. "_You_ are calling _me_ a pervert?"

"Yeah, that's right, you sicko. _That's_ how messed up you are."

Before the two feuding teammates could get into a more intense altercation, their squad leader stepped up to them, clearly all business.

"I just sent Pakkun to Konoha with a request for a backup team," Kakashi explained, taking out a certain green book, which he immediately began to read.

"Did you tell the old granny our client's a whack-job who we should just let die off as a courtesy to the human race?"

"No," the greyhead hummed, a slight smile tweaking at his eye. "But I did inform her that our reinforcements needn't be a whole team, or anything. Just a medic and another shinobi as their escort will suffice. With an extended mission, it's a sensible request."

"Why didn't we have a medic from the start?" Sasuke muttered sourly. "Isn't the Godaime the one who insists all teams have a member who's a medic?"

"Well, our ranks are stretched a little thin at the moment and our track record is pretty good when it comes to injuries. I suppose she figured if a team had to go without a medic, it should be us."

The Uchiha frowned. "We wouldn't be if Sakura had just come along."

"Oh, are you _still_ moaning about that?" Naruto complained, rolling his eyes. "It's _one_ mission without her and you start pining away like Juliet for her Romeo."

Sai tilted his head in question. "Don't you mean—?"

"I meant what I said," the blonde stated flatly. He turned flat eyes on his rival. "You get dinged once and you're right away separated by a _box_, or whatever."

"Am I missing something?"

Turning to the inquiring artist, Naruto explained, "Sasuke-teme told Sakura-chan she had to come on our mission with us, even though she was on a break so she clocked him in the nads. And now Sasuke-teme's delicate man-feelings are hurt and he fears he shan't ever reach unto the heart he so ardently yearns for." The blonde ended his rant with a flourishing pose; head tilted back, the back of his hand pressed to his brow, eyes closed, his entire form a flamboyant lament.

To convey just what he thought of his best friend's mockery of him, Sasuke jabbed Naruto's unprotected abdomen, earning the Uchiha a satisfying "Oomf!" sound from the now doubled-over blonde.

"Teme! That was so uncalled for, dattebayo!"

"Not to me it wasn't."

"When will our reinforcements arrive?" Sai asked, having lost interest in Naruto and Sasuke's disagreement. They always turned out the same anyway; hissy fits were thrown, hair was pulled, masculinity was questioned. At the end of it all, they were still just losers to Sai.

"Pakkun should reach Konoha by early evening, so reinforcements should get here by mid to late afternoon tomorrow. Until then, we will continue to work as we always have."

"Yes. Keeping the loser-daimyo safe from non-existent enemies," Naruto exclaimed with faux exuberance.

"We don't know that for certain yet, Naruto," Kakashi said evenly, his 'sensei' mode clearly active. "Until we confirm with hard evidence that it's all a ruse, we will conduct ourselves as though the threat is genuine. We don't want to make Matsudaira-sama suspicious of us."

"Why not?" Naruto whined.

The sensei eyed the blonde blankly. "I've already explained this, Naruto."

"But I wanna make him sorry for ever thinking he could get away with messing with us! Give him some _real_ attackers to fear and scream at the sight of! Just _terrorize_ him!"

"Calm down, there, Naruto." Kakashi stared at his overly riled up student, making sure he kept his voice low and even. "We're contracted shinobi, not nuke-nin."

"But, could we maybe just mess with him a little?" he asked, pinching his fingers as an indication.

"No."

"Just a little!"

"No."

"A lot then?"

The greyhead stopped and stared back at the younger male, seeing that he was completely serious about his question. "When logic runs from you, you chase after it with all you've got, don't you?"

"Yeah," the blonde nodded, not really following where this was going.

"And even when you've fallen flat on your face, you still think you're gaining on it."

"I never give up. That's my nindo, Kaka-sensei," Naruto replied, not seeing the insult in the older man's words.

"Indeed. You're like the Energizer Bunny gone horribly, _horribly_ wrong." He shook his head again at his student's mind.

"Hey!" the jinchuuriki cried, finally catching the slight. "Kaka-sensei! I am hurt! In here." He tapped his chest, over his heart. "Hurt. _Emotionally_."

"Yes. I get it."

"Aren't you going to apologize?" Naruto asked, staring up at Kakashi with an injured look.

"No."

"Wah?! Why not?!"

"Because I'm not sorry," the Copy-nin replied succinctly, a lazy eye on his book.

"You're a cold-hearted man, sensei!" Naruto cried, shaking his head at his mentor.

"I've learned to accept myself for who I am. It's not my problem if you can't do the same."

"That's not something to be accepted!"

Kakashi took on a hurt look of his own. "Now who's being cold-hearted?"

"You, still! You're being evil!"

"Well, then this evil man is going to leave it to you to cover ground-zero for the remainder of the day," he replied with a closed-eye smile.

Naruto let out a gasp of betrayal, staring wide-eyed at his teacher. "I have seen the Antichrist and his name is Hatake Kakashi!" he cried pointing a damning finger at the taller man.

"Well, someone needs to balance out your Jesus-complex," Kakashi replied, as he went back to reading his beloved book.

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

XOXO and Other Affectionate Letters

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Guttersnipe's Foreword:** Holy crap! It took me long enough! See, this is what happens when I make 'promises' and 'timelines;' Life tosses its cookies all over me and then stares at me strangely and asks, "Did I do that?" _Siiigghhh._ Well, here you go.

**Chapter 4**

That night, they were prepared to expose Harusato's lie and free themselves from the annoying pest's service.

Just prior to the daimyo retiring for the night, Kakashi had sent Sasuke into his rooms to remove and replace all odorous items with non-pungent substances. The two attacks they had been present for had both entailed supposedly accidental strong odours that prevented them from tracking whoever was in the room by scent. And with no other clue to go by, they were completely stymied. Not this time, though! Oh no. There would be no smelly stonewalling tonight!

Colognes and sprays were replaced with coloured water. Potpourris and other herbal concoctions were replaced with random foliage they had looted from the flourishing gardens about the castle. He would never know the difference just by looking. Once Harusato was in bed, Sai would send his ink mice into the room. If a foreign being entered, they would know. They might have used the technique earlier, but had opted to preserve the daimyo's privacy—that consideration was out the window now, of course. However, they fully anticipated that the black rodents would spy nothing more than Harusato overturning things and inflicting minor damage upon himself, all part of his elaborate ruse, to what end, they were still unclear. Whatever he was up to, he was lucky he hadn't been sent a team with a Hyuuga onboard. His little game would have been undone the very first night.

Alas, whether by Harusato's choice to take one night's respite from his game or by the mysterious attackers' decision to terrorize someone else—they still weren't clear on which—there was no incident that night.

They hoped and waited with bated breath. But when the sky's light overpowered the stars, they knew it was not to be. None of the other attacks had occurred during daylight hours. Tonight would be no different.

Not one of the Konoha-nin were pleased about it. They faced the day red-eyed and raw-nerved, knowing they still had to coddle the creepy little otaku.

Some tension left them when they realized that their comrades would be arriving soon to share in their misery. But until then, they had His Loserness to ward.

* * *

The entire day was dedicated to long, never-ending meetings that were filled with long-winded speeches by men with droning voices. The occasional disagreement arose, but they were quelled in a boring and unexciting fashion, just like the rest of the negotiations. Government-related talk, that's what all of it was. Boring reports, incomprehensible proposals, and irritating filibustering that could bore the most avid politician to tears. It must have then been inhumane torture for a sixteen-year-old shinobi otaku to sit through and be expected to participate in. Team Kakashi certainly hoped it was, in any case. Yes. Let the little creep-o suffer.

Though they had to listen to the ceaseless yammering in the meeting hall, they were not terribly focused on it. Their attention was mainly diverted outward, at any potential evil-doer who might approach. Not that they expected any, but they could not let down their guard until all was certain beyond a shadow of a doubt. And so they stood guard; shadows within shadows as invisible sentries awaiting a never-to-be-seen foe.

* * *

Late afternoon brought the mind-numbed daimyo respite from the rigours of political life by signalling an end to the day's proceedings. Naruto felt it could have lasted longer. The kid clearly enjoyed abusing his power, he should have to perform more nobly for it, not just have it handed to him so easily. He may have been a reclusive, loserish, basement dweller, but somehow Harusato still managed to be too proud and self-involved to be pitied. The guy so needed to be taken down a few pegs. How to do that without getting thrown in jail or worse was an answer that had yet to present itself to Naruto's questing mind.

Normally, he would simply shout at the guy, maybe punch him in the face once, and things would work out. But being older and a tad-bit wiser made Naruto realize such was not always the case. A nut-job like their client wasn't changed with personal testimonials and a speech regarding some variation of the topic of 'bonds.' No. He needed something far less refined; something truly crushing.

Still, what that something was eluded the jinchuuriki.

"Kakashi-senpai! Everyone!" a male voice shouted from the lower steps they were passing.

Turning to the entranceway, Naruto's eyes widened to glittering blue pools, as his excitement overflowed at who he saw.

"Sakura-chan!" he shouted in greeting, though he stood not six feet from the girl. "Yamato-taichou! You're who baa-chan sent to back us up?!"

"You _think_ that's why they're here, dobe?" Sasuke grumbled, rolling his eyes.

Naruto turned flat eyes to him. "Do you have to pick at everything I say? Can't you just let a few go?"

The Uchiha's brow furrowed in brief thought, before he shook his head and replied, "No. That would be like leaving a pebble in my sandal when I'm walking. It's far too annoying for me to leave it be."

"So, I'm a pebble to you?"

"Yes."

"Well, you know what you are to me? A—"

"I think I can accurately guess what you're going to say."

"Oh really? You knew I was going to say that you're a swell guy and a dear friend, dattebayo?" Naruto's boyish face was the picture of honesty, though he was fighting a smile at Sasuke's overly stoic expression—the guy looked like he had just eaten chalk.

"You are the biggest dork I know," he finally said, a strange quirk playing at the corner of his mouth that told his blonde companion he was suppressing an amused smile.

"Dork or not, it still made you feel warm and fuzzy right here, didn't it, teme?" Naruto said, tapping his chest and grinning teasingly. "Waaarrm and _fuzzy_!"

"Dobe, please try to control your man-crush."

"Ain't no stopping love, teme."

"Tch... This is your true calling in life. Annoying the sanity out of everyone you meet."

"It _is_ surprisingly fulfilling," Naruto nodded, contemplation upon his face. "I don't know about it being my true calling, but it certainly is a fun pastime. And it's definitely better than having a life's purpose of killing people." He raised his eyebrows meaningfully. "Something to think about, dattebayo."

"Hn."

Back with Yamato and Sakura, Kakashi was almost done updating them on the current situation. As soon as the Copy-nin had described the first incident, both ninja were harbouring misgivings and by this time they were seriously troubled.

"Senpai," Yamato interrupted, his expression heavy. "This sounds like you've got a case of an otaku, rather than a true mission. You must have realized that already."

A sheepish countenance overtook the greyhead, as he rubbed the back of his head awkwardly and replied, "Yes, I have. I've considered this to be the case since yesterday."

Sakura stared at her sensei with wide, incredulous eyes. "Then why the heck did you send for backup?!"

"I was in a no-win position," Kakashi explained, holding up his hands in defence as the kunoichi's ire rose fifteen degrees. "If I refused, we would have had an angry daimyo on our hands. Tsunade-sama would have pretty much exiled us for that. And considering how much he wanted more ninja here, I wouldn't have been surprised if he had contracted another village while retaining our services. It would have gotten unnecessarily complicated." He shook his head. "This was the best route to take. I'm sorry you lost your time off over something like this. When I requested a medic, I didn't think Tsunade-sama would send you."

She rolled her eyes and huffed silently as she let go of her anger. "Mmhmm. Whatever. Couldn't you have just faked a call for backup?"

"I _would_ have, but I didn't know if I'd be able to prove his guilt before the fake backup was supposed to arrive, in which case, he would have found out that I lied, and that's never good, you know." He trailed off with an awkward chuckle.

"Honestly? This is the worst mission I have ever been on," Sakura commented, shaking her head at it all. "This _isn't_ even a mission. This is a punishment. I don't know for what, but that's the only thing it can be."

"I don't think any of us are happy about being here," Yamato interjected, his face the picture of disappointment. "I mean, I could be on a solo mission instead of playing unneeded backup; I'd be making so much more money for it, too."

Sakura cocked her head slightly as she studied the captain anew. "You never struck me as a moneygrubber."

He shrugged unapologetically. "I'm a practical person. There's nothing more practical than money. It can get you anything."

"Money can't buy love, Yamato-taichou," Naruto interjected, as he wandered over to them.

"But it _can_ buy things that will help you forget that you lack love." He gestured at Kakashi's porn as the Copy-nin waved it in demonstration, a grin on his face.

"That's sad," Naruto and Sakura blurted out, shaking their heads at their pathetic superiors.

"You kids know nothing of the ways of the world," Yamato muttered under his breath.

"Well," Kakashi sighed, straightening his posture and tucking his book away. "I suppose I ought to show you to the young lord. He'll want to see his new pawns, after all."

"Hey, hey!" Naruto nudged Kakashi insistently, his face serious. "You'll make it a quick in-and-out deal, right?"

"What are you so anxious about?"

Blue eyes cast a cautious look back at Sakura before turning back. "We don't want that creep-o eyeing her up! He's gross!" A vicious cringe of distaste contorted Naruto's features, just to emphasize his point.

Having overheard Naruto's not-so-private message to their teacher, Sakura stepped closer and asked, "Why? What's wrong with him?"

"He has a disturbing obsession with us, especially with you." Naruto shuddered, recalling the tea party of a few days ago, where Harusato had expressed such disappointment with Sakura not being there.

She quirked her pink eyebrows at her blonde friend's words. "So he's a geek with too much time on his hands. So what? I mean, I _am_ a ninja. I could snap him in two with one hand if he tried something funny."

"That's not it. It's the principle! The idea of him _looking_ at you!" He clucked his tongue and shook his head. "It's unacceptable!"

"What's so bad about looking at people?"

"You're not a guy; you wouldn't understand," Naruto mumbled. "We never _just_ look, dattebayo."

"_What_ is that supposed to mean?" Sakura asked in a voice that was low and cold.

Not catching his friend's bristled disposition, he bluntly explained, "There's always more going on _down there_ than there is up here." He tapped his temple. "When we look at something that information goes straight from our eyes to our crotches and _then_ it goes to our brains. It's a very particular process. And it cannot be bypassed." He shook his head. "That's why that guy looking at you is just nasty."

She stared at him with a look of plain disgust. "You _all_ think like that?"

"Yeah."

Kakashi and Yamato absently nodded along, but thankfully went largely unnoticed by the pinkhead.

"Guys are sick! You're all perverts!"

"I know! I've been saying that all along, dattebayo," Naruto insisted, nodding along. "I accept that part of me. Not all of us are so comfortable with our true selves." He cast a meaningful look back at Sasuke, who pretended he hadn't heard anything the other male had said. "So, you be careful in there, Sakura-chan."

"I hope you know that I will never feel comfortable around males again, thanks to you," she said bluntly, giving him a queer look.

"Then my work here is done," he answered with a self-accomplished nod.

Stepping forward with a silent sigh, Kakashi spoke, "Well, let's get in there, then." He gestured at the entranceway and began walking toward it. The two newcomers followed behind, reluctance evident in the rigidness of their shoulders.

Watching them go, Naruto was more focused on his teammate who was brooding by his lonesome further back from the doorway behind him. A malicious grin split his lips before he wiped it away with a contemplative look, finger to chin and eyes cast upward in question.

"Hmmm. I wonder when I should tell Sakura-chan about your porn addiction," he murmured thoughtfully, resisting the urge to grin at the violent seething reaction his words spurred in the other male.

"Naruto."

"Oh?" He spun about, a look of surprise overtaking his features, as though Sasuke had just caught him off-guard in deep thought, innocent as ever. "Did you want me to keep it to myself just a bit longer? Because I _could_ do that for you. Provided you behave like a good doggie-go-fetch should, of course."

Dark eyes narrowed on laughing blue ones. "You're planning on humiliating me," Sasuke spoke lowly.

Naruto chuckled easily and shook a hand in denial. "No, no! I'm simply planning on having you obey my every whim until I deem that you have served the worth of my blackmail material, dattebayo."

The Uchiha scoffed. "You know, you don't even really have anything on me. All you have is your word, which will never be enough to convince Sakura of anything other than that you're a moron."

"Questioning my Almighty-ness _and_ insulting me! Wow, you're really asking for me to completely alienate you from Sakura-chan, aren't you?"

"You can't even—"

"I _can_ even do that, mon frère! Because I have _these_!" With a snapping flourish, Naruto displayed the three pictures that Sasuke kept hidden in his kunai pouch...only they were slightly altered. Okay, _very_ altered. Sasuke could feel the colour rise in his cheeks when he realized that he had been staring too long at the photos.

"Ha! See?! You _do_ like porn!" Naruto shouted triumphantly, shaking the no-longer-G-rated pictures at his blushing friend.

"What did you..." His thought processes were in jumbles, and he shook his head slightly to sort them out. "No. _How_ did you get them from me and _what_ did you do to them?!" he snapped angrily.

"Pfft!" Naruto rolled his eyes, insulted. "Like it's hard! All I had to do was wait for you to fall asleep and start having your R-rated dreams and then sneak on over to you, give you the old reach around, and then I had my hands on your dirty little secret."

A cringe of disgust bent Sasuke's face. He rubbed his temple as he tiredly spoke, "Dobe, in the future, could you strive to consider your words before you speak them? The inadvertent innuendos you manage to put into your words is just staggering."

"Only pervs find innuendo in everything."

"Naruto, as far as you're concerned, only perverts breathe air."

"So true," the blonde nodded sagely.

A sigh puffed out of Sasuke. This was getting messy. Those pictures... They might very well be the death of him. "How did you get them to look like..._that_?" he demanded, gesturing in distaste at the paper in Naruto's hand. "They were completely normal pictures and you defaced them."

Naruto shrugged. "I just hopped onto our esteemed geek lord's computer and Photoshopped them together with some porn pics I found! This 'Internet' thing is quite handy, dattebayo."

"Why would you do that?!"

"To prove that you're a sick, sick man."

"That only proves that _you're _a sick, sick man!"

"Nuh-uh! You like these pictures! See?!" He waved them in Sasuke's face again, causing the Uchiha's face to burn red. "I have proven that you like pornographic material!"

"I do not!"

"You're blushing!"

"Anyone would blush if you threw _that_ in their face! Only someone who's used to seeing it would be unfazed."

"No! You _like_ these pictures! Your eyes keep following them!"

"Because you keep shoving them in my face!"

"No! It's because you want to look at them more! You like naked pictures of Sakura-chan! You're so gross, teme! You sicko!" He shot Sasuke a purely reproachful look, not unlike the ones Iruka-sensei once used on Naruto himself when he was acting particularly incorrigible.

"Who's the one who _made_ those photos, you retard?" Sasuke shot back, scowling deeply as his face flamed at the sight of the objects in question. "You Photoshopped your teammate's picture into a porn scene?! That's as depraved as making actual porn! You're disgusting!"

"I did it to prove a point!"

"Yet you've proven nothing _and_ violated Sakura's dignity."

"_Dignity?!_" Naruto snorted. "_You're_ the one who was doing her in your dreams! And I have _so_ proven my point! You liked it! You did! Admit it, Sasuke! You liked it and you wish I'd shove them in your face again!"

As he had done on many occasions that week, Sai chose this inopportune moment to show up, coming around just in time to hear Naruto's exclamation of, "You liked it! You did!" and the comments following. Having remained at his post, watching the daimyo, at the time that Yamato and Sakura had arrived, he took their presence with Kakashi before Harusato as a cue to take a break and had headed toward his other comrades to see what they were up to. He had read that spending some extra time with one's peers and engaging in what was known as 'banter' with them was a prime strategy in cultivating trust and familiarity. So, Sai had taken it upon himself to test the theory and made certain he dropped in on his teammates when other duties were non-pressing. The results, as of yet, had been perplexing, to say the least. Whenever he found Naruto and Sasuke, they were always in some private conversation or situation that Sai then, following the book's recommendations, elected to comment on. However, every time he did so, the other males always reacted angrily. He was merely calling it as he saw it, yet they always insisted he was wrong. Sai was confused by this and now, having walked into yet another situation that seemed blatantly sexual in nature—"You liked it and you wish I'd shove them in your face again!" seemed pretty straightforward to him—he decided to speak his mind.

"I'm sorry. I simply do not understand how you can expect me to believe that you two are not intimate when you have such conversations." He shook his head, at a loss. "Either you are being untruthful or the books I have been reading on intimate human interaction are lying. I'm inclined to believe it is the former, considering what I have seen these past few days."

"Sai. Shut up," Naruto snapped, whirling around to glare at the ROOT member, the look a mirror of Sasuke's. "Maybe your books aren't lying, but neither are we, dattebayo. Books can't teach you everything. I read a book once—"

"You what?!"

"Shut up, teme! I read a book once that had this guy in it who ordered a pizza and fifteen minutes later this girl pizza delivery guy showed up, they made some hot comments to each other, and they ended up doing it. But when_ I_ tried that, I got freaking maced, man. I mean, for one, there are _no_ girl pizza delivery guys! They're all dudes. And I mean _all_ of them. Even the ones who look like girls." He cringed slightly as both Sai and Sasuke looked on with blank faces. "And his pizza was delivered in fifteen minutes! You never get your pizza in fifteen minutes! What a blatant lie! So don't take everything you read at face value. It's not always true, dattebayo." He nodded to himself, arms akimbo, so self-assured anyone would be hard-pressed to doubt him.

Silence. There was nothing but silence as Sai's processor beeped and stored that valuable bit of data for future reference.

Sasuke, on the other hand, was staring at his friend with dull eyes and a slack jaw. He remembered Naruto's altercation with the extremely effeminate pizza delivery guy. The blonde's face had been inflamed for the next few days from the mace; he couldn't really hide what had happened. Apparently he had gotten his bright idea from—where else?—one of Jiraiya's books.

"Dobe..." Sasuke began, about to ridicule Naruto for being so dense. But a fatigue stole over him as he thought on how many times he had and would have to berate the blonde for his idiocy and he stopped. He simply couldn't do it anymore. "No. Never mind. I give up," he sighed, shaking his head slightly.

Then he noticed it: Naruto was barely holding onto the pictures. Sai's arrival had evidently distracted the jinchuuriki and he was no longer clutching the filthy evidence as he had been before. Sasuke could snatch them away.

And he did just that. In a blur of movement, the dark nin was there and back in an instant, the incriminating evidence in his possession. Naruto yelped in slight annoyance that Sasuke had gotten the pictures from him, but could do nothing to stop the ball of fire that consumed them a second later.

As the smoke cleared, Sasuke cast a triumphant sneer at his rival/best friend. But he was met with a smug smirk and mischievously twinkling blue eyes that caused his gloat-fest to falter.

"You really think I didn't make copies?" Naruto hummed in an overly pleasant voice. "Dear, naive Sasuke-chan. You should know me better than that, by now."

Sasuke's previously proud expression quickly melted into a resentful glare, as he realized he was back to square one and there was simply no getting away from it.

"I tell you what, teme," Naruto suddenly spoke, leaning forward to be understood perfectly. "I'll make you a deal. If you can have a talk with Sakura-chan without insulting or offending her—that is, if you can make her happier after your conversation than she was before it—I'll stop holding this over you and it'll be like none of this ever happened."

Sasuke stared at the other male for a moment of cynical contemplation. "You'll stop trying to blackmail me if I can make Sakura happy by _talking_ to her?" he clarified.

"Yep." A crooked grin lit Naruto's face. "I won't bring it up again and this will all be but another unpleasant blip in your dreary life. That's a pretty generous deal, no?"

"What's the catch?"

"No catch."

Sasuke scoffed. "There's always a catch in your propositions."

"Not this time." Naruto shook his head, that crooked grin still in place.

"Now that _is_ pretty generous," the Uchiha commented, eyeing his teammate with a calculating look.

"Well, the situation is pretty impossible!" the blonde answered with a chuckle. "I mean, even when she didn't get pissed at you for talking, you still almost always managed to bring her spirits down in some manner after talking to her." He cast a dubious look at Sasuke and the dark-haired nin got the distinct feeling that Naruto was looking down on him from upon a very high horse. "If you can pull this off, it will be a miracle, dattebayo," he finished, shaking his head.

The other male rolled his eyes. "Your confidence is heart-warming."

"Hey. I'm just telling it like it is. I don't put my money on a dead horse."

He cocked an eyebrow while his face creased. "I'm a dead horse in this scenario? Meaning I haven't got a shot in hell?"

"Oh, Sasuke," Naruto tsked, shaking his head again. That infuriating, placating smile was curving his lips as he explained, "Even a dead horse has a shot at winning. It could be brought back to life by some miracle. Remember, I mentioned the miracle? It could happen. I just don't bet on miracles...where you and talking are involved."

For a few silent moments, the two shinobi stared back at each other, one smiling in deceptive innocence, the other with a heavy look of contemplation upon his face. Sai watched them with avid interest, though outwardly he appeared bored. If he ever came to understand what the heck went on in a normal person's mind, he would feel accomplished and proud of his growth. But if he ever came to understand what the heck went on in these guys' minds, he was certain he would wish dearly that he hadn't.

"You had better be serious about this, dobe," Sasuke finally spoke.

"Oh, I am, teme!" the blonde replied cheerily. "After all, this should be very interesting. I may not be one to bet on a dead horse, but I'm sure it will be interesting to watch a dead horse try to win a race."

"Stop calling me a dead horse."

"I will when you prove that you're not one. Fulfill your end of the deal and you're a dead horse no more. You'll be an alive horse. Alive and kicking--"

"Seriously. Stop with the metaphor. It's... You've played it long enough."

"Sounds like someone's just jealous of my mad metaphor skillz."

"Sounds like someone's a retard."

"Oh? You want to keep that up, do you?" Naruto's cheery eyes turned challenging as he whipped out another copy of the porn pics. "As soon as Sakura-chan gets back here, I'm showing her these pictures, dattebayo."

"Tch!" Sasuke hissed, scowling darkly.

"Now, what do you say?" the other male drawled, raising his blonde brows in expectation.

"..."

"Teme?"

"..."

"'I'm so very sorry, Naruto-sama.' That's what I'm looking for here," Naruto huffed, shaking his head as he tut tutted. "Geez, I just keep helping you out! I'm such a nice guy. Now, let's hear it."

"..."

"Teme." He waved the pictures again, in warning.

Some incoherent mumbling sounded from Sasuke, almost drowned out by the gnashing of his teeth as his jaw clenched spasmodically.

"I didn't quite catch that," Naruto hummed, making a show of leaning closer and putting a hand to his ear to listen better.

With a red glow in his dark eyes, Sasuke slowly choked out, "...I'm...(not) very sorry, Naruto-(baka)sama."

Not hearing the muttered words that made Sasuke's sentence the direct opposite of what he was expecting, Naruto smiled brightly, and not with a little condescension, as he exclaimed, "Oh! You're forgiven, Sasuke! I'm just happy that you saw your mistake and apologized for it! You're really growing up."

There was no reply from the Uchiha, only the harsh grinding of teeth and a menacing aura that the blonde was apparently naturally impervious to.

* * *

Within the castle, Kakashi, Yamato, and Sakura were ushered into the same room Team Seven had met the daimyo in on the first day of their mission. And just as before, the young lord sat before them, attempting aloof disinterest and failing miserably in his endeavours.

"Matsudaira-sama," Kakashi greeted the youth. "The backup you requested has arrived."

The sun was shining from Harusato's eyes, his face was so aglow. "Ah, the mysterious ANBU captain and Mokuton no Jutsu user, Yamato. And the lone female member of Team Kakashi, medic and disciple of the formidable Godaime herself, Haruno Sakura." He didn't even attempt to be surreptitious as he 'studied' the kunoichi before him. His eyes traveled and hovered over her body, leaving Sakura feeling rather unclean.

She narrowed her eyes on the younger male, crossing her arms across her chest in a move to protect herself. What a creep! She was here to work, and it was not _that_ kind of work.

"Yes, well," Kakashi began again. "I hope this will put your mind at ease now."

"Mmm... Easy...? Sadly, I don't think she is..." the daimyo murmured absently, dreamy eyes seeing more of Sakura in his mind than she would ever feel comfortable showing.

"What did he just say?" she hissed, eyes wide.

"Please unclench you fists, Sakura," Yamato whispered back. "He's our client; we cannot harm him."

"No. We _can_ harm him. We just _shouldn't_."

"True. But don't. We're all uncomfortable here."

She gave him a look that basically smacked him in the face with cynicism.

"Okay. Yes, none of us have it as bad as you."

She nodded her acknowledgment.

Casting a gauging look back at the simmering woman behind him, Kakashi decided to speed the meeting along. "We have work to do, so we will leave you to yours, Matsudaira-sama."

That seemed to snap him out of his absent fantasy, as he looked back and forth between the ninja. "Ahh... Work. Yes. Excellent. Uhh... Sakura-san?"

The kunoichi's head snapped up at hearing her name, wary eyes cutting into the geek who was so obviously attempting to be suave and intriguing by striking a nonchalant pose and willing his eyes to be deep and smouldering, but that just resulted in him looking constipated while trying desperately not to show his discomfort.

She didn't bother hiding her cringe—the kid was thicker than Naruto and Kiba combined. Resigned to the knowledge that she couldn't just ignore him and leave, Sakura replied, "Yes, Matsudaira-sama?"

A very obvious shiver shimmied up and down the daimyo's spine at the sound of her saying his name. The self-satisfied grin on his face was sickening, making the pinkhead want to give him a punch that would knock a few of those braced teeth loose.

"Ah, Sakura-san," Harusato said in a voice that was substantially deeper than his normal cracky pubescent tone. "I hate to trouble you," he continued, conspicuously aloof, "but, you see, I was injured during the last attempt on my life and have need of your..._healing hands_." The innuendo in his words was glaringly obvious, and if it hadn't been, his wiggling eyebrows would have made it clear themselves.

"She's taken her Hippocratic Oath, right?" Yamato hissed in Kakashi's ear, watching the irritated kunoichi approach the oblivious daimyo with morbid interest.

"I think so," the greyhead hummed back, watching the same scene with an alert gaze. "Though that hasn't saved her other inappropriate patients in the past. I believe she thinks that if they violate her rights, her oath of 'Do no harm' no longer applies."

"Well, I can follow that line of reasoning," Yamato nodded.

"Aa. But that really can't happen here." Casting one more look at a tightly-wound Sakura, who was grudgingly tending to the lacerations on Harusato's arm while he failed at secretly staring at her, trying to cover his winces and yelps of pain by stretching and flexing his other chicken wing-arm like some bodybuilder, he made a judgement call.

"Matsudaira-sama," Kakashi called to the distracted teen.

"Hmm?" he hummed back, eyes glued to Sakura's face.

Kakashi sighed internally at the sight. Goodness knew this was probably the closest the kid had ever gotten to a girl—and probably would ever get, for that matter—and having a woman as pretty as Sakura that close would distract most young males, but hadn't he ever heard of tact? Harusato was just one of an entire generation of guys who were completely without that vital skill known as voyeurism. It was an intrinsic part of being a Playa.

_It's a lost art,_ he mused.

"Yamato-taichou will remain here until Sakura has completed healing you."

"Me?!" the ANBU hissed. "If you're expecting me to keep her from flipping out at him, we might as well just hand her a kunai and say, 'Go ahead.'"

"Oh, that's not necessary," the daimyo responded absently. "I'm sure you have other things to do. We'll be fine _alone_." He fought a giggle and ended up snorting, which was even worse, though he pretended it didn't happen by taking a sip of his self-brewed tea—which he made a point to tell the kunoichi about. Yes. His two hobbies were being a shinobi otaku and brewing his own tea. You could not accuse the kid of being closed-minded.

"Actually, regulations dictate that a medic must be warded by another shinobi while they are healing others. A medic is most vulnerable when they are using medical jutsu, due to the concentration and chakra used, and there's also the patient's safety to consider." It was only a half-lie. Regulations did dictate such, but this situation didn't really call for it. He paused and asked in a lowered voice, "You really can't handle her yourself?"

"Senpai, she is the embodiment of everything I fear in this world," Yamato whispered sharply. "If I didn't associate with her for work, I would cross to the other side of the street if I saw her there."

Kakashi stared at him for a short moment, as though meeting him for the first time. "I never knew you were such a wimp, Tenzou."

"Please use 'Yamato,'" the captain sighed, casting another look over at their client and Sakura. "I don't want that obsessive kid knowing my real name." Turning back to the greyhead, he gave the man a reproachful look as he continued, "And you're not one to talk. It's just that instead of cowering in fear when she blows up, you zone out and go to your happy place until the storm blows over. In a sense, that's more cowardly than what I do; at least I acknowledge my fear."

Yamato would have thought that Kakashi had ignored what he said, if the Copy-nin's next words hadn't been, "So, Tenzou here will be staying, while I go tend to other things, Matsudaira-sama."

The young lord stared back at them with a frowning face. "Who's Tenzou?"

"Oh, that's just Yamato-taichou's real name," Kakashi answered breezily, pointedly ignoring the slack-jawed look of betrayed disbelief said man was giving him. "It actually annoys him to be called Yamato."

"Oh, really?" Turning to the ANBU captain, Harusato said, "I apologize, Tenzou-san. I will remember to address you properly," after which he squealed in pain and tried to cover it up with a sneeze, to which Sakura rolled her eyes, as the medic bandaged a tiny abrasion on his shoulder.

"Not at all, Matsudaira-sama," Yamato replied. He turned deadened eyes on his retreating comrade and hissed after him, "The lowest circle of Hell is reserved for traitors, senpai."

"I'll be sure to pass that on to Sasuke. He'll need to start atoning quickly." Kakashi hummed, completely unconcerned and guiltless as he headed for the exit.

* * *

Freedom.

He was being offered freedom in this moment. Just talk to her, make her happy, and everything would go away after that. Simple.

Sasuke felt like he was going to throw up. When in his life had he ever made her happy? Her feelings for him aside, when had his actions ever brought a smile to her face? The likely answer was never.

This would have been a cake walk in their younger days—she would have swooned at the thought of him speaking to her alone about arbitrary things. Not so, now. Nope. These days, she didn't take insults or belittlement or being ignored sitting down—even if they were unintentionally careless remarks on his part. She no longer smiled past the barbs or subtly changed the subject so no one would notice her emotional discomfort. If she felt insulted, she talked back. If she felt belittled, she tore you a new one. She didn't take crap from anyone.

That was all well and good, as far as Sasuke was concerned. The more feisty, the better, though he'd take that to his grave. However, he was a little resentful of her confidence when it caused her to chew him out for insulting her when he hadn't even done so. Kakashi had once commented that she probably did so because she had never heard a compliment from him, so most everything he said of her was an insult, from her perspective. It had become a knee-jerk reaction to everything he said because he could not possibly be saying anything else, so experience told her. And it was that expectation on her part that was going to cost him dearly here.

This was going to be a disaster, he just knew it. Hell, _Naruto_ knew it. Oh, sweet goodness, why did he do these things to himself? He never thought of himself as a masochist, yet here he was, walking to his doom, begging for disaster, like some mentally disturbed version of Oliver Twist. Instead of porridge, he was requesting more emotional trauma, more abject humiliation, more strife to deal with. In essence, he was asking for Sakura to hate him. What else was this going to lead to? Success? Hells no! As Naruto had said, it would take a miracle. And miracles were known to have a definite dislike for one Uchiha Sasuke. So why was he doing it? Because he was a guy who liked a girl and that's what you did in those situations. You made a fool of yourself until she saw past the awkwardness and the terrible, _terrible_ conversational tactics and realized what you were meaning the whole time. At least, that was the only way Sasuke knew to go about it. He had heard about this strange method known as 'telling her you love her,' but Sasuke was convinced that was a foolhardy route—Naruto had implemented it for years and had gotten nowhere, after all. So, he'd stick with his usual methods. Ninety-seventh time's the charm, and all that.

With a good hour until sundown and a comfortable three hours until the geek lord's nightly retirement, everyone was fairly idle. Of course, to keep up appearances, and to protect against that sliver of a doubt that the mortal danger to the daimyo was real, they were still actively guarding Harutsato. Sai was hidden in a shadow somewhere in the room the teen currently occupied, having drawn the short straw. Naruto was standing guard outside somewhere, though he probably was devoting more attention to the ramen he had taken along to his post than he was to potential threats.

As a sign of apology or simply to appease them and save his own hide, Kakashi had insisted that Yamato and Sakura needn't take on guard duty and should just rest after their hurried and completely unnecessary journey. There had been the barest grumblings of what sounded like, "Darn right, we're not pulling guard duty," and "Just let us go home," from the two, but the mutterings muted as soon as Kakashi had raised his head from his porn and smiled in that unsettling way of his that said you didn't want to hear what he was going to say if you didn't shut yourself up.

Having not been assigned a post, Sasuke was free to relax with the others in a sheltered area outside, not far from their charge's location. Though, to say he _could_ relax did not mean he was. He knew what he had to do in this precious time he had been given. Other opportunities might come, yes, however few of them would be so perfect as to have both Naruto and the Replacement out of the way and therefore unable to interfere or watch what he was about to do. He could not allow this opportunity to pass.

Walking over as nonchalantly as he could manage, trying his darnedest not to let it look like he was purposely heading toward her, Sasuke drew near where Sakura was seated on a rock. The kunoichi didn't seem to notice him, a metre away, and continued to reorganize her medical supplies, for no reason other than that she had nothing else to do. A bottle of peroxide was slammed into place a little more forcibly than usual, her movements slightly sharper, as she clearly continued to stew over her sabbatical's premature end.

Well, there was a silver lining in this; if she were this ticked off already, it shouldn't take much to raise her spirits--anything that could distract her from her current situation would make her happier. That couldn't be too difficult.

Sasuke's confidence rose three points, bolstered by that rosy thought. This might actually be doable! Grabbing onto that rare positivity while it lasted, Sasuke launched his plan to exempt himself of Naruto's evil wiles.

Of course, when I say 'plan,' I mean 'he really should have made one.'

He decided to start with, "The trip went well?" as he leaned against a tree, appearing as calm and apathetic as ever.

Sakura's head jerked up at the sound of his voice, eyes belying the preoccupied state her mind was in. When his words sank in, she bristled. "It was an eight hour trip and seven and a half of those were spent running through freezing rain," she grumbled lowly. "The other half hour was spent arguing with Yamato-taichou about whether to take the north route or the west route. I said west, he said north. We went north. We got here nearly an hour over schedule, so you can guess which one of us was wrong." She cast a perturbed eye roll in the captain's direction by the terrace.

Sasuke didn't comment on the directions; they had taken eight hours to arrive as well. They had also taken the north route.

"So, no, the trip didn't go terribly well," she continued, face hard in a deep frown. "And things really aren't any better now that we've arrived." A silent sigh escaped her, blowing an errant pink lock out of her eyes. A package of bandages was crammed into place even harder than the peroxide had been.

Sasuke cringed internally. Those three points of extra confidence fizzled away into the ether, taking at least eight companions with them. Perhaps discussion of the mission was best avoided.

But, then, what else was there? Think, Uchiha, think!

And then it came to him, like a message from on high. Her leave of absence was what she kept talking about, so just work with that! While valiantly attempting to suppress his smug expression at his genius idea, Sasuke, in the blandest, most uninterested voice possible, asked, "Your sabbatical was pleasant, though?"

The hard line of Sakura's frown deepened at the question. "Well, it started crappy and ended even worse, but the middle part was marginally better, I suppose." A suture kit was jammed into a spot too small for it, which forced the other contents to bulge against the sides of the pouch, threatening to tear it apart at the seams.

"Hn. What did you do?" He was thankful she was too preoccupied with being irritated to notice the oddness of him asking so many questions--yes, three questions constituted many for him. How sad was he?

"Well," she began in an overly pleasant tone, "after the lovely wake-up call I got from you three, I went back to bed in hopes of sleeping the day away. That didn't happen and I ended up having trouble getting to sleep the next night, as well. Of course, it didn't help that Ino-pig came banging on my door at three in the morning, after I had just gotten to sleep. She mastered level six of the medical jutsu she was learning, and had to show me and celebrate. So, I went another twenty-four hours without sleep." Her lips pursed tighter at the memory. "By the way, she made me promise to ask you out for her, since you never let her get more than two words out to you when she tries herself."

In the silence that followed, a sick feeling crept its way into the pit of Sasuke's stomach. He stared back at impatient green eyes and realized that, yes, Sakura was serious. "No," he shook his head, voice deadly flat. "_Hell_ no," he amended. Not a chance in hell would he _willingly_ spend time with the Banshee, never mind it being a _date_. _No._

"I told her you'd say that," Sakura sighed, dumping out her medical supplies and starting over yet again. "I don't get why you don't just give it a try once. You're not going to find a prettier girl, and we all know brains aren't important to guys, anyway." A scalpel set was slammed into the empty bag, accompanied by the sound of tearing fabric. "You should think about it."

The Uchiha watched the pinkhead closely, as she continued to jam things back into the pouch she was taking her frustration out on. Her words had been indifferent enough, but with a tinge of bitterness that sounded oddly out of place in Sakura's voice.

"She's not my type," he replied succinctly.

A quiet scoff sounded from the kunoichi as she reached for another object to violently stash away. "You don't even have a type," she muttered under her breath, a wry twist on her lips.

It was quiet, but he heard it all the same. He bristled at the comment, but was unsure as to what to do about it. Just up and saying, "You're my type," didn't seem right, nor advisable, considering Sakura's pessimistic mood.

"It couldn't have been all bad. You got to hang out with your friend. That must have made things better," he continued, electing to pretend he hadn't heard her at all. He internally congratulated himself on stringing three sentences together that didn't involve the mission or some derisive comment. If he could keep this up, Sakura's stormy mood was sure to pass soon enough.

_Just focus, Uchiha. Focus._

Judging by the arch of Sakura's brow, such was not the case. "I said I was dragged into celebrating for _twenty-four hours_ with _Ino_. Nothing about that was pleasant. Her idea of fun is going out to some night joint and letting guys hit on her, getting their hopes up, and then shutting them down in new and innovative ways." The look of pure distaste upon Sakura's face was mirrored in Sasuke's own mind. "Having to accompany her on her little ego trip was not the high point of by break, no."

"You could have said no," he pointed out, brow furrowing at the thought of Sakura going out and being hit on along with the Banshee. She _should_ have said no!

Sakura quirked her eyebrows. "You've tried to say no to Naruto when he wants to go for ramen at two in the morning, haven't you?"

"Aa."

"Yeah, and how did that work out for you?" She fussed with a loose label on a bottle of some sort of serum as she continued, "If you say no, he'll just barge in and make a catastrophic disaster in your kitchen and you'll be wishing you had gone out. Ino's the exact same, except instead of a mess, she makes enough noise to wake the neighbours and I get complaints from them."

"Hn."

"And then the next day, after a _lovely_ three hour sleep, I had Lee-san knocking on my door, seeing if I wanted to go for a morning run."

_Fuzzy-eyebrows?_

The dark miasma of jealousy filled Sasuke's chest. He had thought that freak had given up, but there he was, making moves on Sakura while Sasuke was away. Ohh... Vengeance! He demanded blood!

"That was probably my best day, actually," Sakura continued, studying the newly organized contents of her pouch. "_He_ at least knew I was on sabbatical and came by because he thought a run would be a good way to relax. He even brought me flowers. Everything went downhill after that, though. The last two days... I don't even want to talk about them." She shook her head, a sour expression on her face. "Suffice it to say, my house is no longer safe for habitation, and the next time I see Kiba and Chouji, they're going to be getting a first-hand lesson on medieval torture methods," she muttered darkly, eyes unsettlingly bright.

Sasuke was full-on scowling as he listened to the account of Fuzzy-eyebrows' visit to Sakura. And his thoughts stopped there, causing him to not even hear her mention the issue with her house and two of their troublemaking comrades. Her _best_ day? Fuzzy-eyebrows coming to call made it her _best_ day of leave?! Some part of his soul crawled into a crevice and died, at the thought. He was jealous, and not a little irritated. And when Sasuke got irritated, especially where Sakura was concerned, he tended to lose what little tact he possessed.

"Sounds like your leave was crappy."

"I told you it was," she answered, an edge in her voice in response to the bluntness in Sasuke's.

"You should have just come with us from the start," he sniffed indifferently.

"Well excuse me for not bowing to your whim and wanting some time for myself!" she snapped, angry eyes casting a dark look up at him, her medical supplies long forgotten.

A wince nearly made its way through on his face, but Sasuke managed to quell it in time, the expression becoming a mere ripple in his blank facade. "It wasn't an order; it...was a request," he explained hesitantly, though it came out sounding matter-of-fact--nearly snappish.

"Telling me, 'You're coming. Go get ready,' does not constitute a request. _You_ don't request anything—you demand it. And I wasn't about to ditch my downtime just so you wouldn't have to spend time with Sai." A mildly sardonic light appeared in her eyes as she noticed the shift in his brow that said she had hit the nail on the head with that one. A thought sprang up in her mind, fuelled by her irritation, and she chose to voice it. "And for your information, he's not your replacement; he's an _upgrade_!"

Sasuke couldn't hide the flinch this time. But, his own ire piqued, he quickly retaliated. "Tch. Some upgrade; like going from Vista back to XP."

"Well, at least XP doesn't lock up every application I try to use because it doesn't 'suit' its preferences," Sakura shot back, matching the male's glare with one of her own.

"Vista has far more capabilities than XP could dream of," he spat. "It's more secure and has far better human interfacing than the robotic XP."

"At least XP does what it's told and doesn't order me around, telling me what I can and cannot load, access, and _do_, unlike Vista, who's got its crazy, power-grubbing, so-called 'security' influence on everything!"

He was incensed by this point. How could she think XP--that is, the Replacement--was better than Vista--i.e. _him_?! "Vista is by far superior in interfacing and performance!"

Sakura scoffed and snapped back, "XP doesn't demand security clearance and authorization for _everything_, even something as simple as playing a _leisurely_ game of solitaire, unlike Vista!"

"The security is a show of concern for the user's computer safety!"

"It's also annoying as hell and overbearing!"

They were both shouting now, their voices raised and angry, disturbing the tranquility of the garden they occupied.

"If it weren't, you would be complaining that Vista wasn't managing your system sufficiently and that you wished it would communicate more clearly with you, just like the problem with XP's human interface!"

"XP may not be terribly communicative, but at least it doesn't bully the user, like Vista does!"

"Tch! XP can suck Vista's—!"

"Okay!" Yamato interrupted, walking over from where he had been talking with Kakashi. "What kind of insane metaphor are you two using here?! It's like smack-talk at the Buy More." He was giving them both raised-brow looks, having never seen them full-on yell at each other before.

A moment of heavy silence stole over them, as Sasuke and Sakura cast angry looks between themselves and the captain, neither willing to calm down at this point.

"Hn. Whatever," Sasuke muttered, before making an angry exit, defeat trailing after.

Sakura promptly upended her medical supply pouch, scattering everything over the ground again, and began viciously cramming things back in, with no semblance of order whatsoever.

Backing away slowly, Yamato returned to his previous spot on the terrace. "Well, that was uncomfortable," he murmured to no one in particular.

"It was to be expected," Kakashi commented, flicking a page over in his beloved orange book.

"What do you mean? You know something I don't?"

"Oh, where do we begin? I know so much that you don't," he hummed idly.

Yamato rolled his eyes, but said nothing, awaiting his senpai's elaboration.

"Well, it's a fine mess Sasuke's gotten himself into again. You would think he would have learned to conduct himself more carefully after the whole 'traitor' thing." He tsked, and shook his head. "This time he's got Naruto blackmailing him with evidence that could make Sakura go Pompeii, if you catch my meaning." Yamato nodded hesitantly before Kakashi continued. "Naruto's giving him a shot to free himself of it, but, as you can see, his chances are pretty slim. I imagine Naruto made him the offer more for his own amusement than anything else."

"Indeed." Yamato eyed his superior critically. "You support this kind of exploitation amongst your students?"

"Well, it's not like they're sabotaging each other's lives or trying to kill each other," Kakashi shrugged. "They've been through that before, you know. Terrible business." He shook his head at the memory. "As long as their disagreement doesn't turn violent to include Rasengans and Chidoris flying all over the place, I'm satisfied."

"They really scarred you for life when they fought and parted ways, didn't they, senpai?"

"They did. They really did," the Copy-nin answered, voice melancholic. "I went to therapy for months after that incident. My therapist likened it to the trauma a child experiences when their parents have a hostile divorce. I'm not sure what that says about me..."

"That you desperately need a girlfriend?" Yamato offered, as he stared at his senior with flat eyes.

"No... I don't think that's it," Kakashi hummed, appearing contemplative. After a moment, he shrugged in indifference and went back to his porn, not giving the subject a second thought.

Yamato just shook his head and subsequently cringed as he heard Sakura tossing her supplies for the umpteenth time before she began reorganizing them again, grumbling under her breath all the while.

This mission could not end soon enough.

* * *

When night finally extended its blessed darkness across the land and prompted most people to head off to bed, Team Kakashi was awash with impatient excitement. This was it. It was going to end tonight. They just knew it. When the attack came, they would know and they would prove what was really going on.

The original four ninja were once again at their posts. Yamato and Sakura remained behind in the garden, again at Kakashi's insistence. The two seemed to have expected nothing less and made no offers to replace or accompany them on their watch. None of the four minded. Sai was indifferent to such drama, while, for the other three, it had become a matter of pride. They had been jerked around and played with by this guy from the get-go. That it had taken them so long to realize the truth and finish the mission was a serious sore point for them. One that could only be healed by seeing this fiasco through to the bitter end.

There were no shifts this time. The anticipation was too much and none of them would have been able to rest, anyway. All four remained alert and vigilant, ears constantly straining for the sound of violence they knew must come.

Five hours into the night, Naruto and Sasuke's nerves were wired like fried fuse boxes. The waiting was infuriating and they found their thoughts straying to contemplating simply barging in and terrorizing the daimyo themselves, just to blow off steam. Kakashi, as though possessing some sixth sense that alerted him to his unseen subordinates' volatile states of mind, calmed their antsiness with quiet orders. But, though he wasn't showing it, the Copy-nin, too, was very anxious to see this night's main event arrive.

"A-Rank mission..." Naruto grumbled to himself, though the others could hear it over the radio, as he always had his connected. "We should charge him for a freaking S-Rank. _Each_. "

Sasuke was silently agreeing on his end, while the other two continued to listen absently.

"Man, if anyone ever decides to actually assassinate him, I would so do that for free," he continued, shuffling in place. "We should put that out there. If anyone in the government wants him out of the picture, they should come to us."

"We're not allowed to solicit, Naruto," Kakashi responded, though he had to smile at his student's idea. "We advertise by reputation and reputation alone."

"Well, when I'm Hokage--"

"Oh, jeez..." Sasuke muttered, rolling his eyes.

"--I'll change that, dattebayo," Naruto continued, speaking louder, as though to drown out Sasuke's comment. "We'll put ads in magazines and make TV commercials."

"Yes. _That's_ what a _hidden village_ needs; TV commercials to draw attention to a society whose existence relies on being unknown," the other spat tersely.

"It could work if we did it right!" he insisted, rearing at the insult to his awesome idea. "We just have to make sure that people are interested by it, but have absolutely no idea what it's really about." Another thought hit him, brightening his eyes. "We could hire the guys who do _Lost_! Think about it! People love that show, but no one knows what the heck's going on! It's perfect!"

"Dobe. Just... No. Just, no."

"You and your no-can-do attitude! I'll show you, some day! I will, dattebayo."

Before Sasuke could shoot Naruto's plan further into the ground, a bang, a crash, and a scream simultaneously broke the veil of night.

A thrill of anticipation shot through them. It was game-time.

Wasting no time in waiting, the team made a B-line for their client's room, where they found him panting and trembling, new cuts and bruises littering his face and arms from crashing into a window and table.

With careful eyes, Kakashi eyed the wreckage and saw another bottle of cologne was broken upon the floor and a stick of incense was burning beside the bed. He smirked internally. Harusato wouldn't notice the absence of the scents, since he was so accustomed to them, he probably barely even smelled them when they were present. However, Kakashi was not so habitualized and his nose could sniff nothing coming from either the cologne or the incense. Sasuke had done his job well.

They barely spared Harusato a passing glance, as the team awaited their leader's orders.

He was speeding through his summoning handseals when he made a short comment to Sai. The artist nodded and began concentrating, as he recalled the ink animals he had sent into the room to perform internal surveillance.

The daimyo watched in confusion as five black mice ran out of hiding and scurried over to their creator, who quickly began extracting information from them.

A poof sounded, and the familiar sight of a sleepy Pakkun met their eyes.

"Kakashi," the dog's gravelly voice complained. "Calling me in the middle of the night is inhumane. Do you know how much sleep you're stealing from me?"

"Pakkun," Kakashi sighed, feeling a little tired with having to go through this exchange every time.

The pug ignored the man and continued to grouse, "Sure, to you it's just a few hours but convert that to dog years and you're depriving me of _days_ of sleep!"

"Pakkun."

"The SPCA would charge you with animal cruelty if they knew how you were treating a doggie as cute as me."

"_Pakkun._"

"What is it Kakashi?"

The Copy-nin lowered his voice and spoke, "Once again, I ask that you track some intruders for me, please."

Pakkun didn't look impressed. "Maa. There better be some kibble in it for me this time."

"Hai, hai."

Seemingly appeased, the small dog began wandering about the room, nose to the ground, tail in the air, as he sought the trail his master so desperately wanted.

Pakkun's sniffing slowed significantly as he completed his second pass around the room. His small head popped up as he sat down, yawned widely, and began scratching behind his ear. "There's nothing here," he explained through another yawn. "I can't find any scent that's not either yours or whoever obviously lives here."

"Of course," Kakashi breathed tiredly. "Sai?" He turned a questioning eye on the ROOT member.

A curt shake of his head told Kakashi all he needed to know: there had been no one else in the room, and now they had the proof.

"So, I'm going to ask this again," Naruto spoke up. "Can _I_ attack him?"

The senior shinobi cast a blank look back at the obviously confused lord, who was watching them with hesitant expectation. He was probably wondering why they hadn't run off to search the grounds for ay retreating enemies, like they usually did. He had no idea that they had figured out and foiled his plan.

"Go tell Yamato and Sakura," he quietly ordered Sai, who disappeared without a word.

Seemingly forgetting his ruse in his confusion, Harusato's voice held no trembling shock but was plainly curious when he asked, "What are you doing? You're supposed to go after my attackers. They're getting away!"

"Oh, please! Give it up, already!" Naruto moaned, giving the youth his best look of pure disdain. "We may have been fooled before, but now you're just making a fool of yourself."

"I don't know--"

"What I'm talking about," the blonde interrupted, waving a careless hand. "Yeah, yeah." He eyed the daimyo critically as he spoke, "I don't get why you would do something like this. It's retarded beyond anything I've ever dealt with before. And I've been on a team with Sasuke for a while now." He thumbed in the Uchiha's direction, to which he glared and made a choice hand gesture of his own.

"What are you talking about?" the teen asked, face appearing purely innocent and dumbfounded, and not a little affronted at the accusations.

"Matsudaira-sama," Kakashi began heavily, leveling a serious look at the addressed male. "We know that no one else was in this room with you during this so-called attack. Just as we know that there never was anyone else present during the other incidents, either."

"What?!" he screeched, voice wavering and eyes darting about nervously. "Of course there was--"

"I have more than just my own suspicions, Matsudaira-sama," the Copy-nin continued on, ignoring the other's rebuttal. "Pakkun here," he gestured at the dog who seemed to be sleeping on his feet, "is one of my ninken, as I'm sure you know, considering how familiar you are with all of us and our techniques. He can find no foreign scents here."

"Well, of course he ca--" Harusato began to say before stopping himself abruptly, eyes widening, as he realized he was about to give himself completely away.

Of course, Kakashi heard it and knew. "'He can't because of the odours you have ensured were already dispersed throughout the room are impeding his sense of smell.' That's what you're thinking, I'm sure. That may have been true on the previous two occasions that we've gone through this, but not tonight. We caught on to your rather ingenious tactic and took actions to prevent such from happening again. That incense and that cologne aren't what you think they are. They have no scent."

The daimyo's eyebrows shot upward as his head snapped around to glance at the aforementioned objects. "But..."

"You weren't supposed to notice, if you're wondering why you didn't," Kakashi explained.

"Well... That was all just happenstance!" Harusato exclaimed, pulling himself up to full height, taking on an air of dignity as he began attempting to refute the senior ninja's accusations. "Things got broken during the attack. Some of them happened to smell and made your tracking useless." He sniffed indignantly.

Quiet movements from the entryway signalled the return of Sai with Yamato and Sakura trailing after.

"Actually, we had surveillance within the room with you tonight--"

"What?! That's a violation of my privacy!"

"--in the form of those black mice you saw earlier, and they confirmed that you were in fact alone," Kakashi finished, ignoring the sharp cry of anger that had interrupted him.

"What's more," Pakkun rumbled, scratching behind his ear, eyes closed as though asleep, "I can't smell any fear from you. Your acting passes, but my nose doesn't lie." He let out a gaping yawn and then turned to Kakashi and asked, "You done with me now?"

He nodded. "Yes. Thank you, Pakkun."

"Just remember the kibble," the pug grumbled before disappearing in a similar fashion to how he had arrived.

The entire team gathered before the spluttering daimyo, they were all staring down on him with looks of varied degrees of displeasure and irritation.

A heavy sigh deflated all the bravado from his being, his shoulders slumping, head bowing slightly. "Okay," he said weakly. "You caught me."

"That's right, we caught you!" Naruto muttered, distaste twisting his face. "I demand an apology!"

"I'm sorry," was the swift reply, and it actually sounded sincere, much to their surprise. Excitement lit the youth's face as he looked back and forth between the assembled and said, "But I had you guys going for a while, there, hey?!"

The dark looks of pure resentment beaming his way quickly smothered any further banter on his part, as he gulped and turned his eyes downward.

"Why did you do this?!" Naruto snapped, pacing back and forth in front of the group, intimidating the younger male considerably. "I want an explanation and I want it in fifty words or less!" His blue eyes were narrowed and eeriely sharp as he stopped moving and stared down upon Harusato.

He gulped again and stuttered out, "Y-You met Jinsei, remember?" Four of the males nodded grudgingly, as they recalled the snobbish friend who had visited a few days prior. "Well, I don't know if you could tell, but he's kind of got this overbearing superiority complex. He's always been like that. Wataru, Takemoto, and me; he always ridicules us and puts us down in front of everyone else. They all think we're losers because of it. We like shinobi. We're sort of nerds." He shrugged. "That's just who we are. Jinsei has always mocked us for that--I mean, since we were, like, nine--and we were tired of it. So, I got the idea to contract a ninja village and fake a mission. Having a hit put out on you is sort of a prestige thing for heads of power, you know. It's like you guys and your bingo books," he gestured at the people before him. "You get in another village's bingo book, then you're the man, right?" Sporadic nods were his response, before he continued, "I figured, the rumour of a threat on my life would add to my reputation, which would shut Jinsei up for a bit. If no one was caught, he would never believe it, of course. I knew that. I figured if I called in some shinobi, that would lend authenticity to the threat and he'd have to accept it. Which he did. He wasn't doubting me after he saw you guys." He let out a little chuckle at the memory, but it quickly petered out when he saw the impatient looks he was getting. "And then, having you guys here was a great opportunity for Wataru, Takemoto, and me to actually see ninja in the flesh. Plus, Jinsei couldn't make fun of us anymore if I showed him that our shinobi obsession had a legitimate, practical use. My knowledge of you guys and your reputation helped me determine that you would be adequate to serve as my protection and to catch my attackers." He gave a sheepish smile. "You know, if I _had_ attackers." The unimpressed faces staring at him spurred him to hastily continue, "I proved him wrong about us. It shut him up. I spoke with Wataru yesterday; he said that Jinsei was talking about us with some guys and he didn't even insult us. That's huge for us, you know?" He looked back and forth between the ninja, obviously searching for understanding that, let's face it, he was never going to get.

The team was staring back at the daimyo with blank looks, eyes flat.

Naruto, being Naruto, was the first to speak up. "That was _not_ fifty words or less."

"Sorry..."

"So... You used us and lied to us just to show up some jerk who's been hurting your _feelings_?" he asked blandly.

"It's not that simple," Harusato insisted, shaking his head. "I'm talking about being ridiculed day-in and day-out since I was nine! We all wanted an end to it."

"You ever think of just not hanging out with the guy anymore?"

"He's Wataru's cousin," the teen sighed. "He's not allowed to go anywhere without Jinsei escorting him. His parents are total control freaks. Jinsei kind of resents Wataru for it, of course, which helped spur his dislike toward us. But enough's enough!" His face was set and adamant. "I don't expect you to agree with my actions and I don't expect you to be any less angered by them. But you asked for an explanation, and that's it."

None of them seemed appeased by the tale. If anything, they were a little more irritated by it.

"This is the crappiest mission we have ever had, dattebayo," Naruto groused loudly, eyeing ­­­­­­­Harusato with distaste, beginning to pace again. "Seriously. And we've had _garbage-picking_ missions before! You are the worst client ever!"

Sakura was just as incensed, and couldn't help but berate the daimyo herself. "Why would you destroy all that expensive property and pay all that money for an A-Rank mission when it's not even qualified to be _D-Rank_?!" she shouted, angry eyes trained on the sheepish youth. "What a waste of our time! We could have been doing something important! I could have been training! I could have been healing people!" She paused and then added, "Oh, scratch that. I could have been at home _relaxing_ on a much needed break! But no!"

"_Hn,_" Sasuke added, rather angrily.

"Now, now children," Kakashi spoke up, seeing the tell-tale warning sign in his students that said, 'DANGER! RISK OF EMOTIONAL EXPLOSION AHEAD!' Oh, they were winners. "Just because it wasn't a genuine A-Rank mission doesn't mean we haven't done something useful here."

"Like what?" Naruto grumbled, watching the sensei with unconcealed scepticism. Sakura and Sasuke mirrored the blonde to some extent and Sai just watched on blankly, with that creepy smile peeking through from time to time. Jeez. That kid had to learn how to keep that thing under control.

"Well," Kakashi began, "A-Rank or not, the client is still paying us for an A-Rank mission," he cast a heavy look in ­­Harusato's direction, to which the daimyo nodded avidly in agreement, "which means we've created revenue for Konoha at very little cost. That's a good thing."

Yamato nodded, silently complimenting his senpai's smooth diffusion of the situation.

The younger nin were appeased to some extent, but one obstinate blonde couldn't be silenced that easily. "But! Now my record's gonna show another A-Rank, and I'm going to feel like a fake because it wasn't a genuine mission!" he shouted, clearly dissatisfied at the thought. "I gotta keep it real, homes!"

"What?" Yamato asked, frowning at Naruto's words. _'Homes...?'_

"I gotta be true to my nindo!" he explained, looking back and forth between his comrades' faces for support and understanding.

Sakura frowned. "Isn't your nindo to never give up?"

"...Yeah."

"Then what the heck does it have to do with a fake mission on your record?"

"Well... That's...!" he struggled for the right way to explain the intense moral dilemma he was experiencing. "You _know_ what I'm talking about!"

"I really don't," she answered blankly.

"Teme gets it, right teme?"

"If I understood your insanity, I'd kill myself," Sasuke spoke flatly.

"Ah! You all suck!" Naruto shouted, waving them off with disgust.

Sakura's brow twitched. "Excuse me?"

A gulp bobbed in Naruto's throat at the _look_ his female friend was sending his way. "Except you, Sakura-chan, dattebayo!" he quickly added, smiling as sweetly as he could manage with such a terrified look in his eyes. "You're the greatest! I adore you! Worship the ground you walk on! Savour the air you breathe! Collect the—"

"Okay! You're just getting excessively creepy, now."

"Sorry."

Sasuke turned to the daimyo, a disdainful look upon his face. "You do realize this guy's going to think you're an even bigger loser now, when he finds out you did something this retarded, right?" he said bluntly, watching the other male with disinterest.

"I know..." Harusato replied hesitantly, disappointment clouding his features. "But...maybe not! You're still in my employ, right?" A lewd light filled his eyes as they turned themselves on Sakura and trailed down her body. "Maybe if he saw me with a really pretty girl—"

"Oh, hell no," was the swift reply from five Konoha-nin. Sai just continued to watch on, his weird little smile popping out again at that moment.

"Oh, come on!" Harusato cried, throwing his hands down in slight irritation. "I'm paying you here! You aren't allowed to leave, nor will you be paid, until your mission is complete. And I'm telling you, it won't be complete until you help me solve this problem of mine." He turned toward the door to the adjacent, non-destroyed room. "I expect a plan by tomorrow," he called back, before disappearing down the hall.

"Well, he does have a point," Kakashi mused, entirely displeased by the prospect of having to remain and find a way to make a brat look good in front of his equally bratty friends.

Yamato nodded resignedly, his sentiments the same as his senpai's. "The mission won't be complete until he deems it to be so."

"So, we _make_ him deem it to be so," Naruto spoke lowly, a plain evil conspiratorial smile curving his face.

"Agreed," Sasuke nodded, crossing his arms. "So, killing or just maiming?"

"Does it have to be one or the other?"

"Probably not."

"What are you two plotting?" Sakura called out, moving closer to the quietly conversing males.

"The preservation of your virtue!" Naruto answered loudly, face determined.

"Oh my goodness..." she grumbled under her breath, rolling her eyes to the heavens in a plea for patience.

"Well, at least we don't have to worry about shifts; we can all go set up camp for the night," Kakashi explained easily, pulling out his book and somehow managing to read it in the dark of night (his students suspected he probably simply had it memorized verbatim).

There were a few mumbles of assent and the over-sized team left the damaged room and headed for a clearing outside.

As everyone began extracting their supplies, Naruto, in his ever-so inconspicuous way, drew Sasuke's attention and made obvious motions in Sakura's direction.

The Uchiha's mood darkened considerably and he gave one sharp shake of his head. Naruto gave him a curious look and sidled closer so they could discuss their deal without being overheard by the girl in question.

"Did you talk to her yet?" the blonde asked, nudging him with his elbow as he struggled to extricate his bedroll from its bindings.

Sasuke clenched his jaw to keep from cringing at the memory of earlier that evening. "You need to make the terms more attainable because, as they stand, it's impossible," he muttered back, shaking out his blanket.

A knowing grin split Naruto's face as he resorted to cutting his bedroll free of its ties. "So, you _did_ talk to her and it was epic fail, was it?" He nodded to himself. "That's a dead horse for you."

"Yes, yes. And no miracle to speak of," Sasuke snapped. "The terms need to be lowered," he insisted. "It's impossible as it is now."

"Teme, teme," Naruto tsked. "How can you expect to be with Sakura-chan if you can't even cheer her up after she's had a bad week? That's kind of a big part of being in a relationship, dattebayo."

Sasuke's heart sank a few degrees as his friend's words hit home. If he couldn't do this, his relationship with Sakura would end before it even began.

"Why don't you just give it a go again?" Naruto gestured toward the pink-haired kunoichi, where she was poking at a small fire while Sai stirred a heating pot of..._something_ they all hoped was edible. Having stayed up so late, they wer all hungry at this odd hour.

The hesitation in Sasuke was obvious, but Naruto wasn't having any of it. "Just tell Sai to go help put up the tent and you take over with the food. You'll be alone and then you can get it right. Jeez! I'm practically giving this to you! _I'm_ the one with the dirt on you, you know. Yet here I am, out of the kindness of my heart and the greatness of me, I'm helping you out. Am I a great guy or am I an awesome guy?"

"Oh, you're just a saint, Naruto," he answered blandly. "A saint who blackmails his best friend."

A priceless look of moved emotion shone from the blonde's face. "Sasuke... You just admitted that we're best friends!" He gave a little sniffle, dabbing at his eye with the corner of his troublesome bedroll. "That's only the second time you've said that! I'm touched!"

"Shut up, usuratonkachi," Sasuke muttered, narrowing his rolling eyes.

"You can say all the acidic things you want, teme. But I know what you really mean, dattebayo!" he chuckled, ducking Sasuke's pack-turned-projectile.

True to his conniving form, Naruto didn't stop after he escaped Sasuke's attack, but made a speedy getaway to where Yamato and Kakashi were futzing with the tent--that is, to where Yamato was futzing with the tent and Kakashi pretended to be working on his end while reading his porn. Naruto's escape left Sasuke with little reason not to go on over to Sakura and try for attempt number two.

A sigh deflated his posture for a moment before drawing himself up to full height and heading toward the quiet fire.

He stopped a couple feet away, casting a sidelong look at Sakura before turning his full attention to Sai, who seemed completely devoted to stirring that pot for all he was worth.

"They need you to help set up the tent," Sasuke said, very comfortable with lying, especially to the Replacement.

Sai looked up and glanced at the architectual disaster that was the result of Naruto lending a helping hand to a struggling Yamato and an idling Kakashi.

"Why don't you just help them, Sasuke-kun?" he asked, casting a quizzical look up at the Uchiha, never pausing in his stirring.

"Because Naruto and I will inevitably fight and likely destroy the tent in the process," he answered swiftly. No lies there. It wouldn't be the first time something like that would have happened.

Obviously having no difficulty seeing that occurring, Sai forfeited his stirring post and headed on over to assist in the tent raising.

And just like that, Sasuke had Sakura alone again. The easy part was done. Now came the greatest test of empathic skill and conversational aptitude--raising her spirits by talking to her.

Noting the despondent expression dimming her eyes, he decided to just jump into it and said, "The mission will be over soon. You can resume your break then."

Glancing up at him before sighing and turning back to poking drearily at the fire, she replied, "It's not really the same..."

Well, he couldn't argue with that. Her week of rest was pretty much a disaster, from the sounds of it. And they had most definitely contributed to it. He winced at the memory. "...We won't...bother you during that time."

"Better not."

"...You're tired of us."

"I'm not tired of you," Sakura answered, hearing the quesiton in his statement. "I just would like a few moments to myself once in a while. Being on a team with Naruto is like being the guardian of a two-year-old with ADHD. It's draining." She shrugged and nodded in his direction. "Well, you know. And I need to steel my patience for the others as well, of course. And you."

"Hn. What about me?"

"You're like the rest of them."

A brow raised on his pale face. "I resent that."

"So do they," she blithely remarked. "But really, would it kill you to not be so..._you_?"

He rolled his eyes. "The insults just keep coming."

"I don't mean it like that." Sakura was watching him, face calm and nearly expressionless. It was a nice change from the angry frown she had been sporting recently, but it was still a far-cry from the smiling visage they were all used to. "I just wish you would stop imposing your will on everyone," she explained. "It's called 'asking,' Sasuke-kun."

"Asking is for the weak-willed. A strong person's actions show what he wants without him having to ask for it."

It was her turn to roll her eyes. "Oh, it shows alright. It's just that we're not enemy shinobi or foreign nin who you have to show your strength to. We're you're comrades and we prefer to be asked, not ordered."

"Hn."

She sighed quietly, poking at the fire again. "Have you given anymore thought to what I said?"

He stared at her in question.

"About Ino."

He nearly laughed at the question. "No. You cannot possibly think I would ever agree to something like that." The pot next to them bubbled over, and he cursed silently that he had forgotten to stir it this entire time. He attempted to salvage what was left while studiously ignoring Sakura's gaze on him.

"How can you say you don't like her?" she demanded, her voice a little harder than before. "You don't even know her. And she really likes you."

"She doesn't know me, either," he pointed out. "Following your logic, she can't like me."

The kunoichi's face pinched slightly, in thought, before she nodded and answered, "Okay. I'll give you that. But she's really interested in getting to know you so that she can then like you."

"Well, I'm not interested in letting her get to know me so that she can like me," he smoothly replied, stopping his stirring once he was satisfied that it wasn't completely ruined after all.

"Ugh! You're such a..."

He looked up at her outburst, watching her animated features with expectancy. "Such a what?"

"Such a Sasuke."

"What?" He frowned at the comment.

"That was such a Sasuke-thing to say," Sakura added, by way of explanation.

"Considering I _am_ me, that's to be expected."

Her green eyes rolled at his reaction, and the barest of exasperated smiles was tweaking at her lips. "You're never going to get anywhere in life if you don't give new things a try."

"I'm fine with trying new things," he shrugged. "Going out with the Banshee isn't one of them."

"Don't call her that..." Sakura admonished, though she couldn't hide the grin that brightened her face at the terrible nickname; Naruto was obviously rubbing off on him, and not in a good way.

"Weren't you the one who was complaining about how loud she was? That you got noise complaints from your neighbours because of her?"

"Well, yes, but when you say that, it sounds mean."

"Well, that was my intention."

"Sasuke-kun!" She gave him a reproachful look, but her eyes were laughing.

The slightest of smirks appeared on his face but when he looked up, it vanished.

She was smiling.

Sakura was smiling.

And she had laughed.

_Did I...?_

He stared at her, seeing no trace of the perpetual frown she had been wearing, no show of her weariness and irritation. She seemed relaxed and content.

_Did I do that?_

He quickly glanced over at where the tent had finally been setup, scanning the area for that blonde idiot who had taken it upon himself to make Sasuke's life miserable. He couldn't see Naruto but he could hear his screeching voice arguing with the Replacement. Crap! They were standing behind the tent! Sasuke needed Naruto to see this. The blackmailing could end here, in this moment, if he saw Sakura as she was, right now...

Aw, screw it. There was nothing in the deal about Naruto witnessing Sasuke succeed in his efforts to bring Sakura a little happiness. The sadistic moron would just have to take his word for it.

He couldn't help the internal gloat-fest at his 'major' accomplishment.

_Hn. Dead horse, no more._

"Becoming a cake is easier than I thought," he mumbled to himself, recalling Naruto's terrible metaphor about vinegar, cake, and flies.

"Sasuke-kun... What are you talking about?"

She was giving him the queerest look he'd ever seen from her, like he had just sprouted butterfly wings from his head and was speaking in Ebonics.

He surreptitiously swallowed the choking feeling in his throat and feigned indifference when he answered, "...Nothing."

"Uh-huh..." That strange look never lessened, as she leaned back a bit. "To be honest, I'm a little bit uncomfortable right now."

"Why?"

"You're talking about making a cake," she stated flatly. "I don't know where to begin to explain what's strange about that. You don't even like sweets."

"But you do."

"Yes..."

"Flies like sweets," he nodded to himself, the comment escaping him before he realized what he had said.

The sudden change in disposition was startling, as Sakura went from being confused to being defensive and, yes, insulted. "I'm sorry. Did you just call me a fly?"

Oh, goodness. The familiar chill hand of failure was patting him on the back again. "What? No," Sasuke hurriedly answered, as he struggled desperately against the horrible sinking feeling that was dragging at him inside.

Her green eyes showed that she was obviously not convinced. "It sure sounded like you did."

"It wasn't like—"

"I'm a fly, am I?" the pinkhead continued, voice rising a few decibels. "A pest? Do I _annoy_ you, Sasuke-kun?" She nearly spat the word, and he instantly realized why she was taking such offence at the thought of being called a fly. Annoying was something he had often called her, after all. It was not a comment she had ever been able to ignore.

"Sakura—"

"Nice, Sasuke-kun. _Real_ nice." She sent a slightly perturbed, nearly emotionless look his way before rolling her eyes and sighing, and then abandoning the fire and stalking off, leaving Sasuke to wonder how such a perfect situation could go so bad because of one stray comment. One _misunderstood_ comment.

He could be thankful, at least, that she hadn't yelled. Judging by the tired pull on her face that had reappeared when her mood changed, Sakura was probably too exhausted by the past week to get more than just irritated with him. Still, the result was the same.

His eyes followed her as Sakura stalked past Yamato and Kakashi, conversing by a tree not sixteen feet away.

"Oh, that was just painful to watch," Yamato winced, casting covert glances at the brooding Sasuke and stewing Sakura.

Oh, they may have seemed completely involved in their own conversation at the time, but the two senior ninja had heard every word of the preceding altercation, their morbid interest in Sasuke's guaranteed failure trumping any sense of decency on their part.

"Well, he's trying," Kakashi sighed, eye trained on his book, though he was very aware of the current state two of his students were in.

"That's what's painful about it. This is him _trying_."

There was a short pause, before the greyhead finally ceded, "...Yeah."

"He was doing so well, at first and then, over the course of five seconds, he just massacred it." The captain tsked and shook his head. "I mean, how can a prodigy at most other things be such a failure at talking to a girl he's known since childhood?"

"Oh, and you're just a pimp-daddy," Kakashi commented dryly.

Dark eyes rolled at the barb. "I don't have anywhere near the trouble he has. Not even in the same league."

"I don't think anyone has the same amount of trouble he has. Sasuke makes it difficult for himself. It's part of his self-destructive tendencies." He gave a silent sigh. "Someone could write a text book on him."

"Mm. Could write three on his childhood alone. Jeez. What a screwed up kid." He cast another quick, almost pitying look the Uchiha's way.

"I know. It's amazing."

"Makes you thankful for what you've got."

"That it does, Tenzou."

"Again, I still prefer Yamato," the ANBU replied, his voice a little strained with a twinge of hidden irritation. "I mean, I'm not even supposed to exist," he continued on. "I'm the result of a very amoral scientific experiment by one of Konoha's worst enemies. But I take one look at that kid and," he let out an easy exhale, "all the self-worth issues just melt away."

Kakashi looked up as he turned a page, raised a point-making finger, and said, "Now, that is a rare gift, when you think about it."

"It is." Yamato nodded in agreement. "He should be proud of that, at least."

"But not too proud."

"No, of course not."

"We don't want him raising his spirits. That would impede his gift."

"True, true."

Any further consideration of Sasuke's unique gifts were put on hold when a ground-shaking explosion sounded behind them. Squinting through the dust cloud, they could see that three of their subordinates were at the centre of it, which eased their concern considerably; they did _not_ need a real threat to show up after all this time.

Through the haze, they could see Sakura giving a downright nasty look to Naruto, who was clinging desperately to the crumbling edge of the fresh crevice she had created with a stamp of her foot, with Sai in the same state beside him. It wasn't a surprising turn of events; it didn't take much for Naruto to anger the kunoichi at the best of times, and this week certainly did not constitute as such for her.

"Ah, it's Armageddon!" the blonde shouted shrilly, scrambling at the deteriorating edge. "The gates of Hell are opening! Take him! He's the one you want!" He pushed at Sai's face with one hand while he clung to the broken earth with the other, attempting to shove the artist down into the void while saving himself from the gaping maw.

"If you do that again, next time I'm going to stomp on _you_, not the ground!" she shouted down the chasm, as Naruto lost his purchase on the earth and plummeted into its depths.

Sai somehow managed to drag himself out of the void despite Naruto's intentions of dragging him down with him, and, after dusting himself off, wandered over to the pot of food and resumed his precious stirring job.

Huffing indignantly, Sakura turned away from her handiwork and, upon noticing her superiors' eyes on her, explained, "He kept saying inappropriate things about his anatomy, and regardless of whether or not they were direct responses to Sai's comments," her eyes shifted and narrowed on said male for a moment, "they were entirely too disgusting for me not to take issue with. So, I straightened him out." She shook a strong fist to make her point.

Kakashi nodded his acknowledgement, continuing to read his porn.

"Should we have them do a perimeter, or would you prefer one of us do it, Kakashi-senpai?" Yamato asked, fighting the internal shudder at Sakura's outburst. That girl terrified him.

"Mm. They can do it," the other answered.

It wasn't that they were concerned about enemies infiltrating the area, anymore. It was simply a habit for all shinobi; you never went to sleep while out in the field without checking your surroundings first.

"Right. Naruto!" the captain called, turning to the crevice the jinchuuriki had disappeared into. When no reply came, he felt his nerves shake just a little bit more. "...He's...not getting up."

"Sakura's lectures are very weighty. But he'll be fine."

"Exactly how deep did that thing go? Is there even air down there?"

"He's fine, Tenzou," Kakashi insisted, paying no mind to his student's potential plight.

"_Yamato_, please senpai," the man muttered. "Maybe she hit an argon pocket and he's slowly suffocating down there."

"Oh, I'm sure he'll just have a mild hangover-headache, if that's the case."

He turned back to his senpai, expression reproachful. "You know, there is such a thing as being too laidback."

Just then, a low, pain-filled groan sounded from the dark abyss Naruto had been pummelled into. "...moles...are eating me..." echoed up from the crevice.

Kakashi shrugged. "See. He's fine."

"You people are freaks," Yamato said bluntly, not batting an eye.

"Right back at you, Pinocchio," the other hummed.

Shuffling and clawing sounds, accompanied by mutterings and groans, wavered up from the black depths, and a few moments later, a very battered, very dirty, very traumatized Naruto was dragging himself over the side of the hole he had been trapped in. Wheezing and coughing soon followed the completion of his ascent, as his limp form collapsed on the rumpled grass, his legs still dangling over the edge.

"Maybe I'll get Sai to do it," Yamato mumbled, earning a nod of agreement from Kakashi, before heading toward said ROOT member.

After some time, and a lot of effort, Naruto managed to haul himself over to the fire, where he helped himself to whatever it was that Sai had been cooking there.

Sasuke surveyed the other's injuries and laughed internally at Naruto's misfortune, while simultaneously mentally wincing at the foul mood that had caused Sakura to inflict such damage.

Well, no matter. She may be irritated now, but Sasuke had already accomplished his goal. It would have been an added bonus if Sakura had remained in good spirits, but really, he knew he should just be happy with what he had.

"Did you see her?" Sasuke asked, all business as he fought to keep the pride out of his voice--to be proud of what had ultimately turned out to be a disaster was embarrassing, to say the least.

When all he got was an arched eyebrow as a reaction from the blonde, he explained, "She was smiling."

Naruto blanched slightly. "She sure as heck wasn't smiling when I saw her."

"I made her smile," Sasuke insisted, making certain he got his point across. "And she laughed. I made her happy, therefore I fulfilled my end of the deal."

"Yeah, but, then you pissed her off again, didn't you?" he snapped, eyes flashing irritably. "I'm the one who pays for that, you know!" He rubbed his sore head, frowning at the injustice of it all.

"You didn't say I had to keep her happy and could never anger her again. You just said I had to make her happy. I did that."

"I didn't see it."

"You have to witness it?!" Sasuke nearly screeched, he was so incredulous, and he made certain to quietly clear his throat so that it wouldn't happen again.

"Well, I'm not just going to take your word for it. You're a freaking pathological liar, dattebayo!" the blonde stated bluntly. "You once told me you didn't need bonds, or whatever, but look at you now! You're an emotional wreck, all twisted up in your bonds of angst and _looove_! Hells yeah, I need to see it!"

"That's impossible!" the other shouted back, his ire rising.

"Well, that's kind of what I meant when I called you a dead horse," he commented, like it was the most obvious thing.

Sasuke's eyes narrowed to hate-filled slits. "That is it," he growled, clearly seething. "You've jerked me around long enough. No more. You're finished!"

"Why would I stop when it's so much fun for me?" Naruto asked, all innocence. "Opportunities like this come around so rarely, I'd be a fool to just throw it away."

"Here's the better question: Why are you doing this to me?! While I may have done some unadmirable things in the past, _you_ have always taken the high road, even where your enemies are concerned. So, why the hell are you doing something like this to me?"

The jinchuuriki shrugged and sounded maddeningly philosophical when he answered, "Did God need a reason to make the platypus into the laughingstock of the animal kingdom? No. But He did it anyway."

For a few incomprehensible seconds, Sasuke was too mind-blown to even curse the idiot across from him. "You think you're God?!" he hissed. "And _I'm_ the platypus, I take it?! I knew you had a Messiah-complex, but I didn't think it was _that_ inflamed!"

"I don't think I'm God!" Naruto snapped, waving a careless hand as though erasing the idea from their presence. "I'm just saying, I've got this power over you and I had the choice to use it or not and so I decided to go for it! I don't really have a reason and I don't know that I really need one. I mean, regardless of why I'm doing it, you're still going to bow to my will because your involvement isn't based on my reasons; you're involved because Life hates you and loves me. It's as simple as that, really, dattebayo." He finished with a wry grin that hit the other like a sucker punch.

A deep, exhausted sigh flowed out of Sasuke's lungs. "This is never going to end," he muttered to himself. This was worse than if Naruto had actually had some hidden agenda up his sleeve. Someone with no reason for their actions will never stop because there is no endgame; there is no ultimate goal. They would just keep at it until they got bored of it. And Sasuke knew firsthand just how devoted Naruto could be to something he's made up his mind to do.

Sai rounded the tent, returning from his perimeter sweep, and was heading toward the fire where the two sat.

"I'm going to bed," Sasuke muttered, glaring at everything and anything that was unfortunate enough to be in his line of sight.

"I'll go with you," Naruto called, leaping up from his seat, his injuries long-healed.

Sai opened his mouth to comment on that, but was cut off by both Naruto and Sasuke snapping, "Shut up, Sai."

The artist seemed a little shocked, but did as he was told. He shrugged off the ill-treatment and mosied on over to the pot of _something_ he had been tending to earlier and began fussing over it again. Why? No one knew.

When the two got into the tent, they found that they weren't the first ones to turn in. Sakura was already there, unpacking her bedding, her face absent of any indication as to what she was thinking, though she was clearly lost in contemplation.

Naruto cast a mocking smile at Sasuke, as though reminding him of how screwed he was right now.

The Uchiha glared back, but otherwise ignored everything and everyone around him as he headed for his own gear to set up for the night.

"We haven't camped out as a team in a while, hey, Sakura-chan?" Naruto commented easily, a bright grin on his face. "It's kind of like old times."

Being pulled from her thoughts, the pinkhead glanced up at her teammate and her face softened a bit at the sight of him grinning back at her.

Sasuke cursed inwardly as he saw the reaction out of the corner of his eye. Why was it so freaking easy for the dobe to bring her spirits up while it was nigh-impossible for him? He gritted his teeth in exasperation.

"I guess," the kunoichi answered hesitantly, shuffling through her pack for something. A visible shiver swept through her as she found what she sought and pulled it out. "It's colder here than in Konoha," she commented to no one in particular. Sakura paused in spreading out her blanket. "Here's a question: Why do we have to sleep outside?"

"Well, that Harusato guy won't put us up, so this is what we have to do," Naruto half-mumbled, tossing his bedroll down haphazardly, not caring that it was overlapping three others.

"Fan-Boy, who geeks out over every word we speak, won't give us even one room?" she scoffed, shoving Naruto's offending bedroll away from hers.

A mocking smile lifted his lips as he replied, "He thinks we, who come from a 'village hidden in the leaves,' will be more comfortable out here in our _natural environment_." He rolled his eyes at the thought.

"What, are we an endangered species of bird?"

"He's a nut-job; what do you expect?"

"Can't Yamato-taichou make a cabin with his Mokuton no Jutsu?" Sakura sighed, not relishing the thought of sleeping on the hard ground in the cold with nothing but a tent protecting them from the elements. Sure, they had done it on many occasions before, but she hadn't been having such a terrible week on those occasions. Everything that could irritate her, was, because of it.

"Ehhh..." Naruto shrugged sceptically, face cringing slightly. "I stepped on a plant in one of the flowerbeds two days ago and that old guy, Gin, yelled at me for damaging the landscaping, so I don't think he'll allow us something like that, dattebayo."

She stared at the blonde male and bluntly replied, "I just put a giant chasm in the yard. Is it really going to matter now if we scuff it up a bit more with a cabin?"

Naruto shook his head and pointed at the tent opening. "Yamato-taichou already fixed that. See?" She peeked outside, and, sure enough, there was no gaping crack in the pristine lawn. "_Apparently_, just because the guy's a huge douche, doesn't mean we can go around messing up his property," he complained, muttering some choice words under his breath. "What a load of crap. But they won't let us."

"A pillow-top mattress, Naruto. I could be at home, snuggling into my soft, cloud-like, pillow-top mattress right now. But no! I have to be here on the hard ground all because you four couldn't do a stupid mission." She cast an unimpressed look at said shinobi.

"Without you!" Naruto insisted, face placating. "We couldn't do our stupid mission without _you_. That should make you feel happy...just a little?"

"Just a little doesn't make me feel like I'm sleeping on air!" She shook her head. "With fresh, cotton sheets and comfy flannel pyjamas..." She trailed off and a thought struck her. "Do you have any idea what underwire does to your ribs when you sleep?"

"I don't even know what underwire is, Sakura-chan," Naruto answered slowly, obviously confused by his friend's comment.

On the other side of the pinkhead, Sasuke let out a "Tch," and said, "Then just don't wear one," while straightening out his bedding with the obsessive perfection of someone who was clearly preoccupied with dreary thoughts.

Sakura stared at him incredulously. "Like I'm going to go around without a bra in front of a bunch of guys!"

Naruto seemed to choke on air and spluttered for a few moments, his face going bright red, as _that_ thought permeated his one-track mind.

Sasuke's own face was tingling with extra heat, but, thankfully, the light was too dim for anyone to see the rosy colour that sprang to life on his cheeks.

Coming back to his senses, Naruto sent a dirty look Sasuke's way and growled, "You pervert, teme! How dare you suggest something like that to Sakura-chan?!"

The dark head shot up and grey eyes narrowed on blue ones. "I didn't mean it like that!" he snapped. "It was just a suggestion."

"A perverted suggestion!" the other male added, giving a disapproving shake of his head.

When it became clear that the two best friends/rivals were about to leap into one of their characteristic cat fights, Sakura decided to intervene. "Just drop it!" she warned, the sharp tone of her voice enough to let them know that she was not going to tell them a second time.

The two went back to their bedding, casting dirty glances and gestures each others' way when Sakura wasn't looking.

Everyone was just about settled in for what remained of the night, though the others were still lingering outside. They weren't in bed yet, and already Naruto was infringing on Sakura's personal space, his blanket and bedroll overlapping hers. She deflated inwardly. They went through this every time they had to camp out together. Naruto had very little sense of boundaries when he was conscious, and had absolutely no sense of boundaries when he was asleep. The guy would roll all over the place, snored like a walrus, and couldn't be awakened to shut him up with anything short of extreme bodily harm.

"You had better stay on your side, Naruto," Sakura told him, catching his curious eyes. "I swear, if I wake up to you gnawing on my elbow again, I'm going to drown you." She paused and then, for good measure, added, "And if you start whispering in my ear about all the flavours of ramen you love and how you like to eat them, like you're whispering some disturbing fantasy, I _will _break you!"

"What?!" Naruto screeched. "I don't do that!"

"Yes, you do," Sakura insisted.

"Do not."

"Yes, you do!" the other five shouted--having overheard the argument from outside--before shivering as though to shake off the disturbing memories.

"Camped out with five guys..." she muttered to herself, unable to stop finding more aspects of her current situation that made it even worse. Looking about her at the company she was in, she continued, "And, really, what is that? One girl stuck with five guys? How is this arrangement okay? And upon realizing how uneven our numbers are, I feel very uncomfortable!" She eyed the others shrewdly. "I think you guys should sleep outside."

"Are you kidding?" Naruto scoffed. "It's cold outside and it's not like this is the first time you've been stuck with just guys. You've _always_ been stuck with just guys."

"Not this many," Sakura insisted, crossing her arms and shaking her head. "This is entirely unacceptable."

"I am not sleeping outside, dattebayo!" Naruto replied, shaking his head just as vehemently as Sakura.

"Well, then perhaps I will have to go to Matsudaira-sama and see if he could help me find a private place to sleep," she commented slyly. "I'm sure he'd be more than accommodating."

"You're not going to talk to that freak! He'd probably shrink-wrap you and put you on a display shelf," Sasuke muttered angrily, scowling at the thought.

"Mm, mm," Naruto agreed, nodding along. "That guy isn't just a few fries short of a Happy Meal; he doesn't even have the burger!"

"What does that even mean?" Sakura asked, frowning at her blonde friend.

"It means you're not talking with him!" he shouted, nearly hopping in his adamancy. "Especially not about sleeping arrangements!" he added with a shake of his finger.

She blinked innocently at the blue-eyed boy. "So, you're going to sleep outside, then?"

"No!"

"Yes, we are," Kakashi interrupted, reaching into the tent and grabbing the collar of Naruto's orange jacket and dragging the younger male out the door. Sasuke soon followed.

"Why do we have to?!" he whined, letting his feet drag, not making Kakashi's job any easier. "Her argument doesn't even make any sense!"

"It doesn't matter whether her argument makes sense or not," Kakashi explained calmly, dropping Naruto by a tree. "She's female and she's angry, therefore she's right. She needs her space and we need for her not to castrate us. And so we will sleep outside."

"Seems like someone's _already_ castrated us," Naruto grumbled under his breath.

"Well, most certainly you have been, Dickless," Sai said, smiling strangely.

Naruto seemed to have a small seizure, he was so choked with sudden rage. But a flash of pink from the front flap of the tent drew his attention and by the warning look Sakura was sending his way, any retaliation he had been planning to implement would have to wait until morning. She disappeared back inside, her threat clearly communicated, and the five ousted shinobi hunkered down, prepared for a cold, sleepless night.

* * *

**Guttersnipe's Word: **The next chapter is the last one! Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

XOXO and Other Affectionate Letters

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Chapter 5**

Morning, that daily promise of new beginnings and better times, was met with hopeless countenances and resentful looks, as it arrived the next day. As shinobi, the men were used to weathering the elements and enduring all manner of discomfort. But that was when their mission was of actual importance, not for the sake of some bullied brat. All their suffering, all their carefully controlled irritation, their will to endure for the sake of the mission—it all meant nothing. There was no higher purpose; they were loathe to call it a mission—there was no point in enduring this past week. Pointless suffering was one of the most disheartening trials in life. Waking up on the cold, hard, damp ground after a scanty hour of restless sleep, only reaffirmed that sentiment.

They had all stirred at the first vestiges of dawn, unable, in their discomfort, to ignore such an intrusion of light and sound. Sakura was the only member still asleep, being well-guarded from morning's disruption by the tent she occupied. Someone had started a small fire beside the koi pond to ward off the clinging chill of night and Sai had taken it upon himself to make breakfast.

"Ohhughh... My back... I think half my vertebrae have fused. I can't bend it," Naruto moaned, awkwardly clutching at his back. Tired, bloodshot blue eyes stared unseeingly at a nearby hedge, mind absently ruminating on the horrible night he had just suffered through. "If I get scoliosis, I'll know who to sue." He cast a sour look back at the tent he had been so uncaringly tossed from last night. "She could've at least thrown our bedding outside, too. My feet are numb." He settled by the small fire next to Sasuke and stuck his feet out toward it, letting out a satisfied sigh as the heat permeated his chilled toes.

"Get your grimy feet away from the food, or I'll burn them," Sasuke muttered flatly. He was hunched over by the fire, appearing as exhausted as the rest of them, eyes longing for sleep, face drawn.

"They're freaking ice cubes!" Naruto insisted, sticking his limbs closer yet, just to spite the Uchiha.

A moment later, the blonde's feet were feeling more than toasty, as Sasuke made good on his threat by sending a small fire ball toward them.

"Agh!" Naruto yelped, drawing his seared appendages closer for protection, blowing on them to ease the burn. "You jerk! WTH, dude?!"

Sasuke frowned in mild confusion at Naruto's exclamation. "'WTH?'"

"What the hell, you noob!" he explained, rolling his eyes as though _everyone_ should have known that.

"'Noob?'"

"Oh, would you get schooled in online lingo!" Naruto groused, setting his feet back down, almost daintily, so as not to aggravate the nonexistent burns on his skin.

The other male scoffed derisively. "We're not online."

"It's the age of online talk! Get with the times, teme!"

"Why would I want to mar my educated vocabulary with that trashy vernacular?"

"Because it's the way of the future!" Naruto insisted, that self-assured light in his blue eyes that spoke of unfathomable thoughts swirling just behind them.

"The future is doomed." Sasuke replied bluntly.

"Yeah! And it's gonna sound fly while it's doing it!"

Sai looked up from the food he had prepared and cocked his head to the side as he studied the blonde. "You have highly selective hearing, don't you, Naruto-kun?"

"Hell yeah, I'm awesome!" He gave a flashy smile, chest puffed out. "You don't need to tell me! But you can anyway, 'cause I like it." He gave a soft chuckle, oblivious to the unimpressed looks the other two were giving him.

"And people say _this_ is my rival," Sasuke sighed, feeling terribly insulted by the thought. He gave a small shake of his head and asked, "How did you happen?"

Naruto let out a "pfft" and waved off the insult with a careless hand. "You _wish_ you had my brain power." Nothing could get him down when he was in his I'm-the-Man mode. A thought seemed to strike him, as he was clearly losing himself in the self-perceived state of being all-knowing. Perturbed furrows lined his face when he turned to Sasuke and said, "You know, teme. If you had just followed my advice from earlier, none of Sakura-chan's drama about making us sleep outside would have happened."

Sasuke jerked at the accusation, eyes narrowing. "Tch. What advice?"

"About the cake and the fly."

The Uchiha's jaw clenched violently at the mention of the accursed cake and fly metaphor. "I _did_ take your advice," he muttered darkly, eyes turned to slits of angst. "Which is _why_ she got pissed off at me!"

"No way!" Naruto defended, shaking his head at the accusation. "There's no way something I thought of could have ended badly! You must have screwed it up, like you screw up everything else you do."

The twitching in Sasuke's eye increased ten-fold. "Or maybe your so-called advice was as retarded as you are!"

Naruto gasped dramatically, rising to his feet, clearly taken aback by the insult. "Is that how you speak to your blackmailer?! I should show Sakura-chan your filthy porn pics to teach you a lesson, boy!"

Sasuke leapt to his feet, as well, temper rising at light speed. "Don't talk down to me, you prat! And I've had it with you and _your_ porn pictures!"

"Well, that's too bad for you! 'Cause I'm not letting go of these babies any time soon!" He patted his chest, where he was keeping the incriminated photos in a hidden pocket of his jacket.

They were both seething by now, muscles coiled and tempers through the atmosphere, as the irritation from the past week compounded with the aggravation brought on by the blackmailing. It was obvious this wasn't going anywhere good.

"I'll get them from you, if I have to drag them from your cold, dead corpse!" Sasuke hissed, taking a step forward with clear intents.

"Oh, I'd like to see you try, you loser!" Naruto goaded, looked as unconcerned as ever, despite the threat. A condescending grin broke his face as he snidely commented, "Can't even get a girl on his own."

"Look in a mirror, dobe!"

"Hoping to blind me with my handsomeness?" He stuck a finger out at the Uchiha. "Nice try, teme, but I can't be distracted that easily!"

The anger in Sasuke's eyes was unmistakable. His temper was long past its endpoint. "You're not holding this over me, anymore."

"I _wouldn't_ be holding this over you, if you had just used my advice to its greatest potential," Naruto drawled, insincere pity on his face. "I gave you every opportunity to free yourself from this, yet you still perpetrated epic fail! That's on you, not me."

That last remark was what made the fists start flying. Sasuke made a move to punch Naruto's face, but the blonde dodged, retaliating with a jab to the other's midsection. The Uchiha registered the hit with a grunt and sent a sharp kick into Naruto's flank. The momentum sent Naruto tumbling into the nearby koi pond. Unfortunately, it also took Sasuke with it, as there was no way Naruto was taking a dive alone and had grabbed onto the dark nin just before the kick had landed. The terrified koi fish went streaming away from the flailing shinobi as the scuffle continued in the water with Naruto taking the distraction of the unexpected fall to deliver a heavy hit to Sasuke's unprotected abdomen. Retribution was swift, as a fist connected with the jinchuuriki's jaw before he had even finished with his own assault.

They both pulled back a bit from the hits and staggered to their feet in the water.

At the taste of copper, Naruto wiped his mouth, seeing red on his hand, as he had expected. His blue eyes narrowed angrily on the other male. "Teme! What the hell is your problem?!"

Sasuke glowered back at him, stance prepared for another attack. "_You're_ my problem! This is _your_ fault! The first time I try for something decent in my life, and you make it impossible!"

"I helped you!"

"You're blackmailing me! How is that helping me?!"

"It gives you incentive to not screw up! And I have done nothing but give you opportunities and some priceless advice!"

"Advice?! I'd get better advice from a sponge!"

"No you wouldn't!" Naruto shook his head, clearly confused at the comment. "Sponges can't talk, teme," he explained in a 'duh' tone.

"Tch..." Sasuke rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"It's not my fault you're incapable of understanding the wisdom hidden in my metaphors."

Sasuke's eyes flashed as he shot forward suddenly, shoving Naruto down into the water. "Screw you and your metaphors!" he growled, forcing Naruto's face under the water as his rage ran rampant. "Stop giving me advice! Just keep your metaphors to yourself!"

Struggling to the surface, Naruto managed to sputter out, between being pushed under and coming back up, "But metaphors are so—useful for illustrating—life's problems and—solutions in—colourful and quaint—ways!"

"Metaphors ruined my life!" Sasuke spat, leaning on the struggling blonde to force him back under the surface.

"Are you sure?" An instant later, he was back under the water, and he pulled himself back up to gurgle out, "This could simply be—a long winter!—Life will bud and bloom in the—warmth of spring!" He kicked and flailed as the need for air increased, but Sasuke wasn't letting up in the least.

"Stop it! For everything holy, stop!" the Uchiha shouted, intent on keeping the other male underwater until he could no longer speak his hated words of wisdom.

But, despite Sasuke's leverage and Naruto's lack of air, the blonde still managed to pull himself up enough so just his mouth was out of the water and said, "There's always a light—at the end of the tunnel!"

A violent spasm jerked Sasuke's neck and shoulders at his victim's tenacity. "You won't shut up and I want to kill you! It's you or me!" He increased the pressure and Naruto sank back down again, his struggling noticeably weaker than earlier.

"Shouldn't we stop him?" Yamato asked, watching the scene alongside Kakashi, their discussion of today's plan having been interrupted by the abrupt splash the two shinobi had made when they hit the water.

"You do that." Kakashi drawled, his lazy eye surveying the altercation with vacant interest.

"They're _your_ students."

"They're old enough to go without my interference," he shrugged

Yamato was incredulous. "So, you're just going to let one of your students drown one of your other students, because they 'don't need your interference?' When, clearly, they _do_?" He shook his head at the other man.

"If you feel that way, then by all means, do something about it," Kakashi replied, no more anxious now than he had been earlier. He might have just as easily been watching a placid lake in place of attempted murder.

The ANBU captain shook his head again and stared at his senpai with the hollow gaze of someone who had just had all his admiration for his hero dashed to smithereens. "After seeing firsthand just how apathetic you are in regards to their violence toward each other, I've come to the conclusion that you're just as much to blame for the mess they've been through as they themselves are."

"Believe what you will."

Yamato's eyes flattened further at the careless comment. "Tell me you're never training another genin team, ever again. Because the village won't survive another group of emotionally and mentally scarred shinobi-on-the-edge like the ones you produce."

"They're fine, Tenzou," Kakashi waved off the other's comment.

"I swear, you call me Tenzou again, that's going to be you drowning in the pond." He pointed at their two fighting underlings, his patented I-Doom-You! look in place.

The Copy-nin was clearly unperturbed by such threats and pulled out his life partner—_Icha Icha Paradise_—and disappeared into his own little world.

The flap of the tent was pulled to the side and Sakura stepped out, her hair slightly mussed and clothes dishevelled, a frown of confusion on her face as she had clearly hastily prepared herself to come see what the fuss was about. When she rounded the corner of the tent and laid eyes on what appeared to be Sasuke standing in the pond, bent over and struggling with something that wasn't putting up much of a fight anymore, she stopped and could only stare uncomprehendingly.

"Sasuke-kun. We're not going to eat the koi. Leave them alone," she called out, coming to the conclusion that the Uchiha must be trying to catch a fish, considering his position. She didn't see the nearly unconscious orange-clad figure just below the surface.

"I'm not catching fish," he muttered lowly, staring intently at the bluish face under the water. "Just thirty more seconds."

Confused at the male's response, Sakura stepped closer and the sight of a floating foot caught her eye. Everything clicked into place rather quickly after that. "Sasuke-kun!" she shouted, running onto the pond with chakra, so as not to get her sandals and leg guards water-logged. She pulled the dark-haired ninja back from his victim, and he didn't resist the interference. "You can't drown Naruto every time he irritates you! Do have any idea how much brain damage you're causing him?!" she cried, dragging the unconscious shinobi to shore before rapidly checking his vitals.

"It can't get much worse than it already is, can it?" Sasuke answered blankly, clearly unashamed of having nearly killed his supposed best friend.

Sakura shrugged, unable to argue with the male's point. "Yes, well, he needs those few brain cells that he has left, so you need to stop that!" After checking Naruto over, Sakura paused for a moment and eyed the blonde calculatingly. A hard light filled her eyes as she contemplated something. With a sudden movement, she slammed a fist down hard on Naruto's unprotected gut, eliciting a loud "Oomf!" from him, as his limbs and body jerked at the assault.

From his spot by Kakashi, Yamato withered and felt his insides tremble. Good lord, even the nearly-dead were unsafe from her violence! What was wrong with her?! When he got back to Konoha, he was so putting in for a transfer from Team Seven. He couldn't take it anymore!

"WHA! Sakura-chan!" Naruto screeched, gasping between moans as he clutched his abused stomach and stared at the kunoichi incredulously. "Is that how you revive someone?!"

"Are you revived?" she asked succinctly.

He paused, actually needing time to think about it. "Well...yeah."

"Then, yes. That's how you revive someone," she clipped out, not at all sorry.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto whined, frowning at the woman as he rubbed his stomach to soothe it. "You're supposed to do mouth-to-mouth!"

The glare he received for that was enough to send Yamato, an entirely uninvolved party, cowering behind a tree.

"I'm not _supposed_ to do anything for people who pretend to be unconscious and are not in need of medical help," she snapped, rising to her feet and crossing her arms.

He shrugged, silently saying 'you got me,' but the frown didn't leave his face as he kept his arms tightly wound around his stomach. "Why'd you have to hit me? That hurts! Not that I mind the pain, but—"

"What?" Sakura interrupted, looking taken aback, staring at him strangely.

"Huh?"

"You don't mind the pain...?" she repeated slowly, eyebrows rumpled at the comment. Then the meaning hit her and she stepped back, nose wrinkling at the thought. "EW! Naruto! You like pai—"

"NO! That's not what I meant!" he shouted, leaping to his feet, eyes wide, waving his arms in his insistence. "I swear, dattebayo! I'm not like that!"

They didn't look convinced.

"That would explain a lot," Yamato commented thoughtfully.

"Aa," Kakashi hummed, nodding in agreement.

A deep blush was threatening to cause Naruto to spontaneously combust right before their eyes. In an effort to escape his embarrassment, he turned to attempting to re-instigate the altercation that had landed him in the pond, being drowned, to begin with. Whirling around, he shouted, "Teme!" clearly challenging the Uchiha.

Sasuke stared at the blonde flatly. "Don't worry. I won't be hitting you anymore. Not if _that's_ how you take it."

"TEME!"

"You had better not be trying to start another fight, Naruto," Sakura warned. "I did _not_ appreciate being awakened by shouting and loud splashing." She gave the two males unimpressed looks that said she was not to be trifled with.

It seemed to work, as, instead of launching into another fight, the shinobi opted to exchange dirty looks and then stalked over to their gear and changed their soaked clothes before returning to the fire where Sai was doing, what else? Stirring breakfast.

"Sai, what is this?" Sakura asked, sniffing tentatively at the lazily bubbling pot, eyeing it as though it were possibly a poisoned offering.

"It's porridge," the male answered blankly, giving the pot's contents a quick stir as though to demonstrate his point.

The girl's eyebrows skewed themselves even more severely as she studied the food anew. "I wasn't aware that porridge had fish in it."

"Protein is a very important part of one's diet, Sakura-san. To exclude it from such an important meal like breakfast would be irresponsible," Sai admonished, face ever-so slightly troubled.

"Yes. I'm aware. But you don't have to combine the protein with everything else." She blanched at the sight of chopped up carrots and...was that eggplant? "Some things are meant to be kept separate, Sai," she added, sighing internally, knowing she would be going breakfast-less today.

The artist shrugged at the female's distaste. "It all gets combined in your stomach, anyway. What's the difference if it's done before it's eaten?"

"The difference is, people will actually be able to _eat_ it if it's kept separate, unlike how it is now."

"What?" Confusion overtook his features. He looked between the pot and the kunoichi. "It's perfectly edible. Naruto-kun, you try some." He offered a spoonful of the concoction to the wide-eyed blonde.

"Oh no!" He shook his head in vehement denial. "I'm not being the food tester again! Last time, I had diarrhea for a week!"

"Thank you for sharing that," Sasuke muttered.

"Any time," Naruto answered sweetly, grinning boyishly.

Yamato approached the group along with Kakashi, and asked in a strained voice, "Is everyone ready for today?"

A smattering of grumbles was his answer, as his subordinates hunched closer to the fire and imagined life beyond this week. Could they make it? _Someone_ might have to die but they'd find a way.

"I don't even want to ask, but I have to," the captain sighed, eyeing the four with a cringing look. "Has anyone thought of how we're going to solve our client's problem?"

Naruto waved off the question absently. "Kaka-sensei will come up with something."

"I have my own thoughts, but I want to hear yours first," Kakashi spoke from his new lounging spot on a tree branch above their heads, that notorious orange book propped in one hand.

"Well, I got a few—"

"Thoughts that don't involve killing or otherwise harming the client," Kakashi interrupted calmly, bringing a dissatisfied scowl to Naruto's face. There went all five of his ideas.

"If you didn't want my ideas, you shouldn't have asked," he muttered, pouting as he crossed his arms in indignation.

"Anyone else?" His eye landed on Sasuke and he almost asked for the Uchiha's input, before he caught himself and thought better of it. Naruto's plans would be better. Turning to the artist, he asked, "Sai? Your thoughts, please?"

He set the spoon aside and seemed to genuinely give the question some serious thought. Yet his response was still thus: "We could just whore Ugly out to him; he seems to have a fetish for hideous beasts."

"Excuse me?" Sakura snapped. She narrowed her green eyes on the ROOT member. _Always with the 'ugly' comments..._ "You know what? Why don't you go and make out with Naruto?! I'm sure _you'd_ like that!"

"WHA?! Sakura-chan! What the heck?!" the blonde screeched, obviously against the idea, even if it was meant as an insult to Sai. "You could have said anyone else! Anyone! Like Kakashi-sensei here!" He gestured upward at their lazy sensei.

The aforementioned male raised a grey brow. "Why are you dragging me into this?"

"Yeah right, Naruto." She rolled her eyes. "Like that would ever happen."

He frowned. "What d'ya mean?"

"The guy reads hetero porn twenty-four/seven. Like it would even be possible for that to happen."

"See, Naruto. The ladies never doubt the porn," Kakashi explained, waving his book in the air, all-knowingly.

Blue eyes narrowed to calculating slits. "Maybe you're just supplementing; you're way obsessed with it just to make them _think_ you're straight."

Kakashi continued to page through his book, unconcerned with his student's suggestion. "What sounds more like a sexual identity crisis? Reading hetero porn or transforming into a naked woman in the middle of crowded streets?" He cocked his eyebrow meaningfully.

After a few moments of ponderous silence, Naruto finally answered with, "...Screw you, sensei."

"I would rather you didn't. Remember? The porn?" He waved his book again.

Turning away from his teacher with a huff, Naruto directed his attention back to an amused Sakura. This guy was way too easy to bait.

"So, you're saying that it's not possible for Kaka-sensei, but it _is_ possible for _me_?!" he clarified, his machismo obviously rearing at the thought.

"Exactly," Sakura nodded, suppressing a smirk at Naruto's expense.

"What the heck is that?" he shouted, voice slightly shrill, a testament to his embarrassment.

Putting on a serious face, Sakura said, matter-of-factly, "How, exactly, did you have your first kiss?"

_That did_ not _count. It didn't even happen,_ Sasuke thought to himself in his spot of brooding.

"...Th-that didn't even count!" Naruto shouted piercingly, face reddening to Hinata-levels. "It didn't even happen! Yeah!" he went on, somehow mirroring Sasuke's thoughts.

"Oh, it counts, Naruto," Sakura drawled. "And our entire class can attest to it having happened, so you can stop with the denial."

_It was the dobe's fault for being such a retard._

"It was the teme's fault for being such a douche!"

Green eyes rolled to the sky at the response. "There's no sense in laying blame, Naruto."

_It was an accident. A horrible, scarring accident._

"Fine! It was an accident!" Naruto huffed, his blush still in place. (Were the others tuned into Sasuke's thoughts, they would have had to ask whether the two weren't psychically joined somehow.) "And it was _not_ enjoyed by either of the parties involved!" he stated firmly, nodding in agreement with himself.

"Well, maybe Sasuke-kun didn't, but you've done nothing but chase him ever since. And perhaps Sasuke-kun is simply playing hard to get..." she trailed off slyly, biting the inside of her lip to keep a full-blown grin from ruining it.

"Gah! Sakura-chan! You have a dirty mind!" He shook his finger disapprovingly, a serious frown on his face, but the effect was considerably dampened by the ever-present blush that even burned the tips of his ears. "I demand that you stop at once!"

Unable to help herself, Sakura laughed at the blonde's reaction. "I'm joking! I'm just kidding, Naruto! Jeez. Could you be more homophobic?"

He scowled at the accusation. "I'm not homophonic—"

"_Phobic._"

"—homophobic," he amended smoothly, as though no error occurred. "Whatever. I'm not scared of anything!"

"Because you're a manly man," she supplemented, sarcasm running rampant.

"Exactly! Because I'm a manly man. And manly men aren't scared of anything, especially not of—"

"Men who want to have sex with them."

"—men who want to have sex with—Sakura-chan! Stop doing that!"

She laughed again, and there were quiet smirks on the faces of the others as well, at the jinchuuriki's easily led mind.

Sai had that mildly troubled look on his face that said he was thinking intensely about something that ne needed clarification on, and it was only a few moments later that he asked, "If I am to understand you correctly, Sakura-san, are you saying that Naruto-kun and Sasuke-kun had their first kiss with each other?"

"Yes, Sai. You inferred correctly," Sakura answered blankly, shaking her head slightly at the things the artist chose to ruminate on.

Naruto and Sasuke simply glared and scowled at the other male, knowing along what lines his other thoughts were running in that emotionally-repressed mind of his. They had been putting up with it all week.

"So, there really is a history with them, then," Sai concluded, looking at the two males as though he had just discovered the answer to all his questions.

"Yes, they're both gay, Sai," Sakura said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "You fit right in."

His head whipped around at the comment, taken aback but unable to find the words to express it. Naruto and Sasuke just smirked at his expense, glad he was finally feeling what it was like, even if Sakura had thrown them into the same boat, too.

"As enthralling as discussions of your orientations are, I think a better use of our time would be to get back to the matter at hand," Yamato interjected, bringing everyone's attention back to the mission. When all eyes were on him, he continued, "We need to find a way to solve Matsudaira-sama's..._grievance_ before we can go on our way. Now, I—"

"I vote we just leave," Naruto interrupted, staring back at the ANBU captain with a purely bored look.

"That won't solve his issue."

"But it _will_ solve ours," he nodded, satisfied with his logic.

Yamato's shoulders sagged slightly as he sighed. "I think you missed the point..."

"You know, there's a very simple way to solve this little problem," Sakura stated, drawing everyone's attention.

However, the blue-eyed boy seemed sceptical. "How's that?"

"Simple," Sakura shrugged. "He said something about a pretty girl doing the job. So, we give him a 'really pretty girl' to be seen walking around with."

"There is no way you're gonna act as arm candy for such a huge douche!" Naruto shouted, shaking his head vehemently.

Sasuke was nodding right along with the blonde, eyes narrowing dangerously at the thought of that little wimp prancing about, showing off Sakura as if he had actually won her affections. As if he were actually worthy of her. Of all the nerve... Oh, that punk was so going down. A public shaming. That was what he deserved. A painful public shaming. Yes.

Sakura shook her head at Naruto's outburst. "Not me!"

"Then who?!"

She smiled conspiratorially, a terrible glint in her green eyes. "Nariko."

The other nin stared back at her, delightful understanding taking hold.

"Oh, ho ho! You sneaky little vixen, Sakura-chan!" Naruto chuckled, returning Sakura's mischievous grin. "I like how you think!" He flew through his hand seals and produced a bunshin. "Get to work!"

"Yes sir!" the bunshin cried, giving a smart salute before performing Naruto's 'ultimate' technique—Orioke no Jutsu. Seconds later, a blue-eyed, buxom, and _bare_ blonde was standing in their midst, the lingering smoke doing nothing to hide what _should_ be left to the imagination.

"Put some clothes on, you idiot, Naruto!" Sakura shouted, smacking the male on the back of the head.

"Ah! Sorry! I don't usually use this for respectable reasons!" The bunshin performed henge once again, and when the smoke cleared, 'she' was fully clothed in a skimpy but still marginally appropriate outfit (his first inclination was to dress it in lingerie, but that oft-ignored voice in Naruto's head got through the static in there and managed to convince him that Sakura would just smack him again for something like that).

"There's no way I'm even going to accept payment for this mission. I don't want any paper trail linking me to this mess," Sasuke muttered, rubbing his temple tiredly. Realizing exactly where this was going, Sasuke couldn't resist an internal gloat-fest. But, despite that, he knew the whole debacle would end horribly—he did know Naruto, after all. That guy had something properly mortifying set up for Harusato. He deserved it and Sasuke wanted him to experience it fully, but that didn't mean the Uchiha wanted people to know he was involved.

"You're the only one this doesn't work on, you know," 'Nariko' commented, gesturing at 'her' body. "What does that say about you?"

Sasuke scowled. "That I'm not a retard."

"A guy who doesn't like looking at naked girls is a gay guy," the real Naruto insisted, shaking his head at his friend.

"That's not a naked girl," Sasuke retorted with a scoff. "That's _you_ living out an identity crisis. Not something I want to see."

"Oh, you're gay for me, teme," the blonde spoke, smiling in what was probably meant to be a falsely flirtatious manner, but just ended up looking like Naruto was drunk. And maybe he was. Maybe he was...

"Not even in your dreams, dobe," the Uchiha answered, rolling his eyes.

Naruto seemed to fight a gag at that. "Of course not in my dreams! I don't dream about guys! I dream about—!"

"No one wants to hear that!" Sakura shouted, shooting Naruto a warning look.

From his spot in the tree, Kakashi commented, "I wouldn't object to hearing about it."

"_No one wants to hear that_," Sakura repeated, emphasizing every word.

"I...stand corrected," the greyhead amended demurely. "No one wants to hear that."

Having been silently observing his teammates for the past few minutes while pondering the new load of information he had learned from Sakura's earlier teasing of Naruto, Sai had come to a conclusion and decided to voice it. Turning to Naruto, he said, "The homoerotic undertones between you two are quite prevalent." He looked back and forth between the blonde and Sasuke by way of illustration.

Naruto scowled at the comment. "Well, there are no undertones with you! It's just full-on flaming flamboyancy all the time!"

Sai jerked at the implication. "I'm not—!"

"Yeah, yeah. Mr. Belly-shirt." Naruto waved a dismissive hand. "You and your 'artsiness.' You're not fooling anyone." He met Sai's gaze to make certain he got his point across and explained, "Now, I can't speak for this one," he thumbed in Sasuke's direction, "considering how questionable his orientation is, but I can say that_ I_ am nothing less than as straight as they come. This one is probably hot for me, but it's not reciprocated." He was as matter-of-fact as they come the entire time, all the while ignoring the Uchiha's rising ire.

"_Usuratonkachi_."

Naruto spun around, as though surprised. Shameless as ever, he answered, "What?! I'm not judging you! I'm a pretty fine piece of ass. I don't blame you."

"I think your comments say more about you than they do about me," Sasuke snapped.

"Uh-huh." The blonde's blue eyes stared back blankly. "I'm not the one who ran off to be with some creepy old guy who was lusting after my body."

Sasuke's head snapped up, nearly cringing at the comment. "It was for power! And he wanted my body for the Sharingan, you idiot."

"Say what you will, but, no matter how you look at it, an old recluse who shows up in disguise—in drag, no less, remember he was a chick for a bit there—and says he desperately desires your body isn't someone a person would generally run _to_ when he makes his intentions known. That's a little weird, don't you think?" He raised his eyebrows meaningfully at the other.

"It wasn't weird!" the dark nin insisted. After a moment's pause, he amended, "Well, it _was_ weird, but it wasn't _that_ kind of weird!"

"I understand if you feel uncomfortable talking about it, teme," Naruto replied, raising his hands in a blameless manner.

The other male's comments were seriously getting to Sasuke. It almost didn't feel like he was joking. "What the hell do you think happened there?!" Sasuke demanded.

Blunt as can be, Naruto answered, "I think he touched you."

The breath froze and stuck itself in Sasuke's throat. He could do nothing but stare at his teammate for the next few moments, stuttering and completely taken aback. "...Wh..._What?!_"

"I think he—"

He held up a staying hand. "Oh, don't say it."

A sympathetic look softened Naruto's features as he took a step closer. His voice was soft and comforting as he spoke, "It's okay, Sasuke. You can talk about it with us. We're here for you."

Sasuke was too shocked, otherwise he probably would have taken a step back to maintain the distance between them. But, as it was, he could barely think clearly enough to string together a response. "...You...have seriously thought this whole time that...that he..." he fought a gag, "...that I was sexually..._abused_...?"

Naruto gave a nodding shrug. "Well, these things do happen."

"Well, they didn't happen to me," the Uchiha stated, narrowing his eyes slightly, still obviously uncomfortable.

Naruto, however, wasn't convinced. "You came back more standoffish than ever. I mean, shudder the thought that I would hit you during a spar; you'd be all defensive and flighty."

"Because I was _defending _myself," Sasuke snapped. "That's what you do in a spar."

"And your..._difficulties_ with certain intimate endeavours of late?" He quirked a blonde brow as he gave a subtle nod in Sakura's direction. "You're sure that's not a result of the trauma of what he did to you?"

"He didn't do anything to me!" His forehead furrowed as his dark eyes narrowed in irritation at the mention of certain recent failures of his. "And those _difficulties_ can half be attributed to you and your sadistic power-trip."

"You'll blame me because I'm here and Orochimaru's dead, so you can't lash out at him anymore," Naruto nodded, that infuriating sympathetic look never leaving his face. "I'm the only outlet you've got, so you're being hostile toward me to vent your frustration and hurt. I understand that. It's okay. I forgive you." He patted his friend on the shoulder, to which Sasuke violently swiped it away. This only served to further support the blonde's suspicions of Sasuke's abuse, and made the caring look intensify.

"Are you two quite finished with your heart-to-heart talk?" Kakashi asked as he stepped over to them. He cast a weary look back at Yamato and Sakura—who was fending off Naruto's teasing Orioke no Jutsu bunshin—and took in their tired countenances. "I think everyone would just like to get this over with."

The two nodded, wanting nothing more themselves than to be rid of this place for good.

"Yosh! Let's go show that rich loser the sexy me!" Naruto shouted, all excitement. "Oh, and we should show him my Orioke no Jutsu bunshin, too! Heh heh!" he laughed at his own joke, while the others just rolled their eyes.

* * *

"Holy...! Where did you find such an angel?! And what a body!" Harusato let out a low whistle, which was quite a feat, considering how low to the ground his jaw was hanging. The lust in his eyes was unmistakeable and it only made the six shinobi smile even wider when his face flushed a deep crimson at 'Nariko's' flirty wink.

"Now, why don't you kids run along?!" Naruto suggested, shooing the two toward the entryway. "Our mission is complete and _you've_ got some 'in your face!ing' to do in front of your snobby friend."

"Yes!" Harusato nodded enthusiastically, eyes never leaving the overly 'friendly' fake female before him. "You certainly have done your job! Gin will give you your payment." He sent a small nod in the older man's direction, who quickly scurried forward with their fee in hand, offered it to Kakashi, waited for the nin to count it, and then scurried back to his corner.

"Well, we'll be off then, Matsudaira-sama," Kakashi said, giving a short bow.

"Uh... Perhaps Sakura-san would like to join us?" The young noble cast a suggestive look between 'Nariko' and the pinkhead, failing miserably at being enticing. His meaning was unmistakable, regardless.

A resounding "No!" was the group's reply, with cringes and scowls all around.

Naruto, however, was left considering the implications of Harusato's offer. Anything that went on with his bunshin would become part of his knowledge, after all... A heated blush lit his face, as he spoke, "Maybe you should, Sakura-cha—"

A brain-jarring hook to his jaw cut his words off abruptly. "Absolutely not! That's disgusting! You pervert! How can you even think something like that!" she screeched at the blonde, bonking him on the head with each word.

Off to the side, Yamato cringed. Violence was Sakura's automatic reaction to everything Naruto said, it seemed.

"What?! It's just a girl who wants to have sex with you!" he whined, nursing his sore head. Blue eyes full of vindication snapped up onto the ticked off girl. "Or does that scare you, Sakura-chan? Who's homophonetic, now?! Aha!" he cried, pointing accusingly.

"That's not a girl! That's _you_!" she hissed quietly, ensuring that Harusato did not hear the truth of his dream girl. "And just because I don't want to engage in certain acts with another girl, doesn't make me homophobic! It makes me straight, you retard!"

"Ohhhh! I see how it is! When _I_ don't like the idea of going at it with another guy, _I'm_ homofrenetic, but when it's you, you're just 'straight,'" Naruto groused loudly, taking on an affronted stance. "Double-standards like that are what perpetuate inequality between the sexes, Sakura-chan! I should think you would know better." He tsked quietly while shaking his head.

"It was a joke! The thing before was a joke! For goodness' sake! You and Sai are going to sit down together at the library and read all about sarcasm and its variants," she seethed, kicking Naruto in the shins for good measure.

While the jinchuuriki bemoaned his fractured legs, Kakashi once again excused them from Harusato's presence.

Obviously disappointed by Sakura's swift refusal of his offer, the teen quickly rebounded with one look at the, ahem, 'girl' on his arm. "Yes! Thank you for your hard work!" the daimyo called back, not sparing them a single glance, as the new couple made their way out the door.

"You two have fun now! And remember what I told you about 'sealing the deal,' Nariko-chan!" Naruto called out, sharing a conspiratorial wink with his transformed clone.

Harusato missed the wink and only heard 'sealing the deal' and Nariko's subsequent giggle. Every other thought went out the window after that.

As they made their way out of the young noble's home, Sakura turned sceptical eyes on her limping blonde friend. "'Sealing the deal?'" she asked, eyebrows quirked.

Naruto let out an evil little chuckle, his eyes scrunching up in that manner that made his face more fox-like than ever. "When that loser's loser friends come into the picture and start gawking at my Orioke no Jutsu, my bunshin will henge back to normal."

"You mean..."

"Heh! Yup! He's gonna be so hosed!"

"You know, if news of this gets back to Konoha, you could very well be reprimanded," Yamato commented. "We could all be reprimanded, actually," he added, but no one seemed terribly concerned by the idea.

"I don't care what that prissy boy does!" Naruto answered, arms behind his head. "Serves him right, messing with my nindo like that."

"I still don't see how this mission was an affront to your nindo," Sakura said with a sigh.

"_Fake_ mission. _Fake,_" Naruto stressed, pulling his pack up higher on his back.

"Yes, but your nindo is to never give up—"

"_And_ to never go back on my word!" He shot a finger in the air, face intense. "This mission was a fake! A _lie_! It will be a permanent lie on my record! He has made a liar out of me and has therefore screwed with my nindo to never go back on my word!"

"Ah," she commented blandly.

"'Ah?' '_Ah?'_ That's all you can say?"

"Oh my goodness, Naruto! How could he do something so horrible to you?! Unforgiveable! Utterly unforgiveable! We should burn an effigy of him!" Sakura exclaimed in a vapid voice that was nothing but sarcastic.

"Exactly!" the blonde agreed, nodding his head avidly. "Let's burn an effing...Sakura-chan." He paused and gave the girl a reproachful look. "That's a pretty vulgar term, Sakura-chan, even if it is an abbreviation."

"I said 'effigy,' you idiot. _Effigy._"

"Oh, so that's what the kids are calling it nowadays? That doesn't change the fact that a lady shouldn't have such a foul vocabulary!"

"Naruto," she spoke quietly, eyes cast in shadow as she stilled her twitching limbs. "You will come with me. _Now_."

"Huh? Where are we going?"

"To find a bookstore. You and I are going to buy a dictionary and when we get back to Konoha, you will sit your butt down in a corner and you will not get up until you have read all of A through E!"

The blonde wrinkled his nose at the thought. "That sounds boring!" he whined, kicking at the ground.

"I'm willing to have you suffer through a few hours of boredom if it will mean less retarded misunderstandings from you in the long run."

He frowned as he mulled over her words. "Hey! How come I'm the only one getting the short end here?"

"Because we've been getting the short end for the past seven years! It's time you paid your dues. And don't think you can get out of it! For every minute you resist, I'll add double the amount! And I'll probably hit you repeatedly in the process."

The blonde scowled at the thought of being forced into _learning_ and likely being beaten mercilessly for the duration with Sakura's inhuman strength. Unwilling to be resigned to his fate, Naruto formulated a plan to get himself out of what he viewed as inhumane torture. And he had just the thing...

Nonchalant as could be, he slyly commented, "Oh, by the way, Sasuke has inappropriate pictures of you."

"WHAT?!"

"Nice deflection of an unpleasant situation, Naruto-kun," Sai commented quietly, smiling his Cheez-Whiz smile.

Naruto blinked at the pinkhead's outburst, ignoring the hard eyes and creased brow, not to mention the clenched fists and flexed arms, as though there was no chance at all that this could potentially go horribly, horribly wrong.

"See?" He pulled the papers from his jacket and tossed the illicit photos for her to catch. That was, very much so, a mistake.

Though outwardly he was the picture of calm indifference, internally, Sasuke was freaking out. He told her about the pictures. He. told. her. All the nerve-fraying threats and the pride-damaging concessions he had endured that week, and now the dobe just up and told her anyway? WTH?! (Yeah, he knew how to use it.) He was about ready to die inside at being sold-out by Naruto. Dear lord! Why?!

Now, most people had pictures of the people they were fond of. Most people had no problem with those other people knowing that they possessed those pictures. But Sasuke wasn't most people. He didn't do sentimental. And pictures were as sentimental as it got. The idea of someone, particularly Sakura, knowing that he was in possession of such personal mementos of her was mortifying. One he probably could have gotten away with brushing off as an effort to be closer with his teammates, but three? No, he would never be able to just brush that off. It would be so very obvious that he had those for more personal reasons than for the sake of camaraderie. And the thought of his feelings being exposed like _this_... Oh, he couldn't do it. It couldn't happen like this. It just couldn't. He would run back to Sound, crawl down that little hidey-hole he lived in there, and just curl up and die. He seriously would. And the fact that the pictures Naruto had just handed over to Sakura weren't even the original pictures Sasuke had once had, made it that much worse. She would have been a little weirded out at him having normal pictures of her, but sleazy porn pics? He might as well just bite his own tongue and get it over with now.

Sakura stared at the photos in her hands with an eerie quiet that could only precede the most violent of storms. Her face was ashen, her eyes wide and unblinking as she just stood there and stared. "These are...?!" She turned her horrified green eyes up, staring questioningly at the accused Uchiha. "Sasuke-kun?!"

His heart leapt into his throat and strangled his breath for a moment, before he managed to exude a false calm and met her eyes with a steady, blank gaze. "I have no inappropriate visual paraphernalia with you as the subject," Sasuke replied, even-voiced with not a hint of dishonesty. "Those pictures have never been in my possession." All true. He never did get his hands on the extra copies Naruto had made.

Sakura studied him for a few moments, eyes shrewdly surveying his features before deciding he was being truthful, and then proceeded to reprimand Naruto for lying to her. "You tricky little liar! You're going to get ten-fold what I would have done to you before, because of that!"

The blood drained from Naruto's face at Sakura's dark threat. He knew first-hand that she always made good on her threats. "No! They're his! I swear, dattebayo!" he insisted shrilly, shaking his head vigorously.

She cocked an eyebrow in challenge. "Yeah? Then why do you have them?"

"Bu-Because I snatched them away from him so he couldn't disgrace the sanctity of your image anymore than he already did!"

"Oh, please! You expect me to believe that Mr. A. Sexual was in possession of _these_ filthy things?!" She snapped the pictures through the air in disgust.

Naruto snorted a laugh at the name, but it quickly died as Sakura's menacing form towered over him.

"_Someone_ had to have used a computer for this, and we both know how hostile Sasuke-kun is toward technology!" Green eyes narrowed to slicing slits that brought the blonde's very soul to cower in fear. "This was your doing, if ever I've seen you do anything! It's got 'Naruto' written all over it, you depraved, disgusting, sicko! I'll see to it that you're truly sorry for this." A sadistic light hardened her eyes as she turned back to the other males and asked, "Which is worse: getting kicked in the crotch or being pile-drived into sharp rocks?"

"Kicked in the crotch," was the unanimous response.

"Guess what you're getting, Naruto?" she spoke, far too pleasantly for the blonde's comfort.

"Sakura-chaan! _STOP!!!! NOES! AHHHHH!_" He rolled about on the ground, clutching the family jewels, wishing for the first time in his life that he really was, as Sai called him, Dickless. He glared darkly at the other males. "You traitors! All of you!" he shouted, voice a couple octaves higher than normal. "Sakura-chan!I can't have children now, thanks to you!"

"And the world thanks me for that," Sakura replied, hands raised to the sky in righteous vindication, as she stepped over the injured male and continued on down the road.

"'I have no comment on that?' 'I have no inappropriate visual paraphernalia with you as the subject?'" Kakashi repeated quietly, eye on his book. "You should go into politics, Sasuke."

"I don't know what you're talking about," the dark-haired nin said, voice steely in response to his teacher's indirect accusation.

"Well, you _could_ still have inappropriate visual paraphernalia, but not have any that has Sakura as the subject. _Or_ you could have visual paraphernalia of Sakura, and they could include _compromising_ subject matter in some people's eyes; it all depends on your definition of inappropriate." He waved his porn in the air as a case in point. "A perfectly ambiguous response. Bravo, Sasuke. Finally, you are learning my ways."

"Don't lump me in with you; I consider you reading porn in public inappropriate," Sasuke muttered, keeping his eyes on the ground before him.

"And I consider your unauthorized photos of dear, innocent Sakura-chan to be inappropriate," Kakashi hummed nonchalantly, as he turned another page. "Like I said, it all depends on your definition."

"I don't have any—"

"—inappropriate pictures, yada yada, so on and so forth. I heard you. Of course, if that were true, you wouldn't even bother defending yourself, trusting in your righteousness and pride to prove your guiltlessness for you. In short, me thinks thou doth protest too much."

"...For the record, none of them are inappropriate." He paused and then added, "None of the _originals_ I had are inappropriate. They're all normal pictures. There is nothing...voyeuristic about them."

"Except for the fact that Sakura doesn't know that you have them and look at them when you're feeling lonely."

"You make it sound creepy!"

"It is creepy!"

"It's not...like that." Goodness! He could feel that accursed blush seeping through his skin again. Why did these things always happen to him? He got out of one mess, only to fall into another.

"Mmhmm."

"I didn't even take those pictures; they're technically not even mine."

"Oh, so you just _steal_ other peoples' pictures of her so you can look at them when you're feeling lonely." Kakashi raised a brow. "Yeah, that's _much_ better."

Sasuke gritted his teeth, realizing exactly what had just happened. He had been freed from Naruto's blackmailing by the blonde's own folly, but he had also been made victim to his own sensei's exploitation in the very same instant. That cinched it. The world hated him. It did. What did _he_ ever do to _it_?! ...Oh. Right.

Letting out a quiet sigh, Sasuke steeled himself, preparing to do whatever it took to rid himself of this predicament once and for all. "...What's it going to take for you to keep it to yourself?"

"He's trying to bribe me!" Kakashi exclaimed, nearly giddy at the idea. "Oh, this is kind of exciting. No one's tried to bribe me before. But what will you offer?" He turned to his subordinate, eyeing him questioningly. "What can you offer someone who has no real want for worldly things?"

Sasuke paused for a few moments, considering his options. Truth be told, he didn't have much. Worldly things he could get in spades, if that had interested Kakashi, which it obviously wouldn't. Beyond that, what else was there? His eyes landed on the book in his sensei's hand, that ever-present trademark of his. And there it was. "I will finance—"

"I'm not interested in money, Sasuke," Kakashi interrupted. "Worldly things, and all that."

"You didn't let me finish." He paused, waiting to see that he had Kakashi's full attention, and then continued, "I will finance...a movie adaptation...of whichever one of those smutty books you choose." He watched the other male's reaction and instinctively knew he was on the right path, but he needed something else to guarantee it... "And you can...direct it...?" he trailed off, unsure if that was the clause he needed for success.

After a moment's silence, wherein Sasuke waited anxiously for an answer and Kakashi simply stared back at the youth with an unreadable eye, the Copy-nin finally answered. "...Oh, you're good. You are really good. Seriously. Politics. Get into them."

"So...?"

"_Icha_ _Icha Tactics_. I want some unknowns to play the leads. I know it sounds pretentious, but I like the idea of providing newcomers with the opportunity to expose themselves to the world."

_You couldn't have picked worse phrasing,_ Sasuke grumbled to himself, as he did a mental face-palm.

He stared at the older man for a moment, noting the lack of hesitation with which he had presented his plan and the unmistakable glow of excitement in the usually lazy eye. "You've been waiting all your life for something like this, haven't you? _This_ is your dream, isn't it? Naruto dreams of being Hokage, Sakura dreams of being a top medic-nin...Idreamofkillingpeople, and _you_ dream of making pornos. Real nice."

Kakashi shrugged unapologetically. "Oh, you know what they say. 'Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.'"

"This is you dreaming big?"

"At least_ I_ have a dream. You _killed_ everyone in your dream. How does that saying go? 'When you cease to dream, you cease to live.'"

"Enough with the quotes, Kakashi."

"Well, I'm just saying. What do you dream of, Sasuke?"

The dark-haired male paused at that, wondering for a moment at what his purpose could be now. It was true. He had killed everyone in his dream. Well, that had kind of been the point of his dream, actually. But still. What else was there?

That rare introspective was interrupted, as Kakashi continued. "I mean, I _know_ what you dream of. You've got voyeur pictures of your teammate, for goodness' sake. Doesn't take a genius, such as myself, to figure that scenario out."

Sasuke nearly swallowed his tongue in his indignation. "Excuse me?! Just what do you take me for?"

"I take you for a nineteen-year-old male with hormone issues," Kakashi answered bluntly. "I don't need any carefully ambiguous responses from you to know what you do and do not dream of. But I mean your real dreams; you're life dreams. Is the girl in your night dreams also in your life dreams? Or is she solely confined to the unmentionable part of your life you hope she never finds out about—"

"And won't find out about, that is if you want that movie made," he snapped, glowering mildly. A silent sigh escaped his lips as he awkwardly added, "And you already know that...I've been..._trying_ to get her to..."

"It's this stellar eloquence, right here, that's the reason the closest to affection you can get from her is a kick in the crotch."

"I'm aware of that," Sasuke snapped.

Just then, an epic Brainwave! hit Kakashi and he knew he had to run with it. "You know what you could do? You and Sakura could play the leads in this new movie I'm directing. It would allow you two to spend more time together and could bring you closer. Actors and actresses have torrid affairs with each other on set, all the time. It's perfect!"

A few moments of silence passed by with Sasuke blinking every now and then at the greyhead and Kakashi smiling widely at his blank-faced student.

"This is why I never listen to your advice," Sasuke finally said. "You're insane."

"That's a tortured creative genius that hasn't been allowed to properly express itself that you're seeing there," Kakashi clarified. "People often confuse it with insanity."

"I'm not acting in your porno, you sick, sick man." The Uchiha shook his head vehemently at the thought.

"It would have been the perfect opportunity for you," the other sighed, shaking his head at his student's refusal. "I fear that Sakura might find out about those pictures you have of her if you don't join the cast and convince her to do so, too."

Sasuke's eye twitched at the loosely veiled threat. "I fear you might not have a budget to make your movie if Sakura finds out about those items."

"I fear that if I don't have a budget to make my movie, she might find out about those items anyway."

"...I _hate_ you."

"That's just your repressed hormones talking," Kakashi replied with a careless wave of his hand. "They're screaming for release in the only way they know how—aggression. We can work with that. It'll be an interesting character trait." He pulled a script out of nowhere and jotted down some notes on it.

Staring at the script_—he has a freaking script_!—a pervasive sinking feeling swept through Sasuke's being. "...You're actually serious, aren't you?"

"Oh, I'm always serious about my porn, Sasuke. That's just not something you joke about."

At the end of his rope, Sasuke let out a huff of air and went for broke. "Okay. Fine. I will finance two _Icha_ _Icha_ movie adaptations for you to direct."

"Mm, _tempting_, but no. I have a tortured creative genius, not a greedy one. And it's maybe a little shy, so one is enough for now." He gave that familiar closed-eye smile, further infuriating Sasuke with his laidback attitude. Like it was perfectly common practice to blackmail one's student into being in a porno you're directing. How was this guy not locked up?

"I am not going to be in a hardcore XXX movie!" Sasuke insisted, voice nearly going shrill in his adamancy.

The Copy-nin waved a hand at that. "Oh, it'll _barely_ even be X-rated."

"It's _still_ got an X on it!"

"Look. If you're going to be such a prude about it, I'll make you a deal," he sighed, rolling his eye at the younger male's reticence. "Neither you nor Sakura have to be in it—even though I was _only_ insisting on that for your own good—and I won't tell her about the pictures, _if_ you can pry your foot out of your mouth and finally succeed at what you've been trying to do for the past who knows how long."

Sasuke stared back at his teacher, clearly hesitant to accept the compromise. Sure, it was a far more desirable outcome than being blackmailed into doing porn, but his track record when it came to trying to confess was pretty abysmal. If he didn't get it right, he could potentially destroy any future chances he might have with Sakura. Oh, hell. Either way, he was screwed. And in one of those ways it would be literal.

He steeled himself and muttered, "Fine. I just have to ask her out, right?"

An amused look softened Kakashi's face as he watched his student for a moment. "I suppose that will suffice. Yes."

They were nearing the town that was built at the foot of the small mountain the daimyo's castle was on. Up ahead, Sakura and Yamato were pausing at a tea house for refreshments, since no one had been able to bring themselves to try Sai's 'porridge' and were therefore quite famished. It didn't take them long to catch up and join them. Sai was off somewhere down the road, drawing something, since he had been the only one who had eaten his breakfast, and Naruto was still a ways behind, slowly dragging himself along as he tried to walk through the pain of Sakura's retribution.

Walking up to the ANBU captain, Kakashi gestured at the table where he sat and the table where Sakura sat and said, "This is just sad. You can't even sit at the same table as her, now? You need to get over your fear of her, Tenzou." He seated himself across from the man and stared at him pityingly.

Yamato was completely unrepentant and stiffened his posture at the comments. "Look, I would rather see _him_ Kyuubified," he nodded at Naruto, who had just collapsed on a bench by the entrance, "than see her pissed off! Because at least _that_ I can control!"

Kakashi shook his head. "You really are a wimp."

"I'm not a wimp! I just have a healthy survival instinct! And it's telling me to stay far, far away from scary little girls with inhuman strength."

He shook his head again and glanced over at Sasuke, who was standing a few feet away, stiff as a board and clearly trying to bolster his courage for going over to sit with Sakura.

The Uchiha's blood was running cold and hot at the same time, he was so out of sorts. What if he screwed it up? What was he saying? _Of course_ he was going to screw it up! He always screwed it up! He screwed everything up! It would be a disaster. A _disaster_.

_No. No. It will be fine. All I have to do is tell her I want to...marry her. Okay. Probably shouldn't lead with that. Start out small. A date. We are looking for a date, here. Tell her you want to go out with her. That you would be pleased if it would please her to go out with you. No need for fancy words. You'll just botch them, anyway. Just, straight to the point. She knows you suck at talking. She'll forgive you the inarticulateness it. It won't even be half as bad as you think it will be. ...Probably. You talk to her all the time. It's just that this time, it won't be about the mission or to insult her. No. No insults. Words that can be misconstrued by her as insults are not allowed. Otherwise, just be cool, don't __over think it, and above all, do. not. panic._

_Okay. Let's do this._

His palms were sweating, and he quickly rubbed them on his pants before making his way over to the seat across from Sakura. She seemed to be quite focused on her tea, and didn't look up until he had sat down across from her. Taking the plunge, he hesitantly spoke, "Sakura... I have something to tell you."

She set her tea cup down and leaned forward a bit. It wasn't much, but it was enough... "What is it, Sasuke-kun?"

He drew in a deep breath, staring at the tabletop. He was ready. He could do this. It was going to work, this time. He knew it. Bolstered by his own internal support system, he looked up at her and all of it went out the window. "I...can see down your shirt."

"WHA?!" She leapt back, shocked, hands coming up to cover herself.

"That's... That's not what I wanted to say," he hastily explained, running a quick hand over his forehead, ignoring the heat in his face. "It's just you were leaning forward and it was _right there_—"

"No, no. I get it," she nodded, waving the incident off, though her face still burned bright pink and her hand remained over her chest, despite her having pulled her zipper up as high as it could go.

"I wasn't staring, or anything..."

"No, it's okay. I get it. Thank you for telling me."

"Just didn't feel right continuing on with what I was going to say with..._that_ right in my face." Oh, goodness! He was rambling! Someone stop him! He murdered conversations by rambling!

"Of course not." She nodded her head, her blush deepening at his poor word choice.

His words came back to him a few seconds later, and he amended, "Well, I don't mean _in my face_. That's not exactly accurate."

"I understand what you're saying." Sakura was fighting an uncomfortable smile-cringe by this point, staring at everything but him.

"It's actually quite inappropriate, now that I think about it." Where was a hole when you needed one? All he wanted to do right now was fall down a very deep, very dark hole and just curl up in a ball of misery and failure and just die! Why was this so freaking hard for him?!

"You didn't mean it like that."

"No, I didn't mean it like that. It was just—"

"A poor choice of words."

"A terrible choice of words and it's only getting worse, isn't it?"

"Oh, not at all."

He stood from his seat, eyes darting about, landing on everything that wasn't her. "So, I'm just going to go now."

"Weren't you going to tell me something?"

"I'm fairly certain I've already said enough," he answered before making a hasty retreat.

_Oh, that was horrible. Just horrible. What's wrong with you? I'll tell you what's wrong with you. You're doomed to be alone for the rest of your life, that's what's wrong with you. This is the world telling you to stop dreaming because it's never going to happen. __...The world sucks. Screw you, world! _

As he walked past Kakashi, the Copy-nin caught his eye. He was paging through his script, clearly in creative mode. "So, you're going to need to get a few piercings before we start production," he explained looking up at Sasuke between scanning the pages. "They can be quite painful, but you'll get over it in a couple of weeks. Just make sure you don't wear loose clothes." He shook his head. "That's just asking for disaster."

Sasuke eyed him strangely, seeing that ever-unreadable expression on his sensei's face. "...I don't want to know, do I?"

"Prude that you are, probably not."

He knew what that meant. He had no choice, now. Back to the disaster zone he went.

He slid into his seat quietly, not making eye contact or saying anything at first. Sakura seemed to accept this mute companionship, as it was their normal mode of interaction. She continued on with her tea, not making any mention of the debacle from a few minutes ago.

It was a few more minutes before he spoke and when he did, it wasn't something she had been expecting.

"So, I've been thinking about what you said."

She glanced up at him, green eyes frowning ever-so slightly. "What _I_ said? About what?"

"About going out with the Banshee," Sasuke explained bluntly. His face was a perfect mask and she was hard-pressed to determine whether he was serious or not.

"Really? And you've changed your mind?"

"I...am willing to make a compromise."

"_You're_ going to compromise?" she repeated, taken aback. This had to be a first. No, make that two firsts. He was compromising _and_ he was willing to go out with _Ino. _"You? And how do you even make a compromise over something like that?"

He took in a steeling breath. Here goes nothing... "I will agree to go out with her, but only if...you go out with me first."

Silence followed that. A surprisingly short silence, actually. An amused look crossed Sakura's face, as she replied, "If you think you can deter her by pretending to be going out with me, you've got another thing coming, Sasuke-kun. She'll just try that much harder."

He looked her square in the eye and kept his tone even and calm as he spoke, "Well, she'll have to learn how to give up, because I'm not going to be interested in anyone else after I go out with you."

A furrow puckered her brow as she processed his words. "...Okay. What?"

"I'm asking you to go out with me, Sakura," he explained, having to fight with his lungs to force them to release the air he needed to give voice to his words.

"No, I get that. It's the other part that's giving me trouble."

He thought a moment and then answered, "I'm saying that I would like to continue to go out with you, after the initial date."

Her response was short and unexpected. "I see."

His heart leapt back into his throat, but he swallowed it back down again. That tiny bubble of hope was rising again... "You do?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes."

Oh, he was terrible with these things. He needed straightforward answers. "Yes, you understand, or yes, you'll go out with me?"

"Yes, I understand."

He paused, thinking her words over. Hesitantly, he asked, "...But not yes, you'll go out with me?"

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"So...you won't go out with me?" ...And that tiny bubble of hope went 'pop!'

"No!"

He sat back in the chair, staring hard at the tabletop, though not seeing it at all. A hard, crushing pressure was slamming repeatedly into his chest from all directions and he couldn't stop it. This was what rejection felt like, huh? It really did suck. It felt reminiscent of failure, only more stifling, more defeating, more disheartening. "...I see," he murmured quietly.

"No, I _will_ go out with you!"

His head snapped up and he saw her smiling, amused exasperation in her eyes. Now he was just straight up confused. "You just said no," be blurted out with a frown.

"I said yes!" she insisted, shaking her head, her smile widening.

"I distinctly heard you say, and I quote, 'No.' So, unless the feminists having changed their stance, that does in fact mean _no,_" he pointed out, watching her face carefully, for what, he wasn't sure.

Sakura shook her head again, smile still in place. "I said no to your question, not to your request."

He stared off to the side for a moment, considering her statement. "Then why didn't you just say yes?"

"Because I would have been saying yes to your question that I was refusing to go out with you when I wasn't."

"No, you would have been saying yes to going out with me."

"Look!" Sakura said, raising her hands in a 'see here' manner. "_You_ said, 'But not yes, you'll go out with me?' so _I_ said no to disagree with that question, not to say no to the request that had preceded it."

A frown of pure confusion furrowed his features. "How is that language to you?!"

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, I really want to hear that from _you_, Mr. Tch-Aa-Hn!"

"Tch!"

She raised a thin eyebrow at her proven point.

He turned away, ignoring her self-satisfied smirk. She was very pretty like that, too, after all. He would get distracted again. "Whatever. So, are you going out with me, or aren't you?" he asked, hoping his face wasn't as red as it felt.

"Yes."

"Sakura..." he sighed.

"Yes, I am, Sasuke-kun," she answered with that bright smile curving her lips. "Don't worry. I learned long ago that you need things spelled out for you. I'll try to do better at dumbing down relationship discussions for you in the future." She nodded in agreement with herself, eyes laughing at the flat look he was sending her way.

"..._Thank you,_" he muttered sarcastically, fighting off a smirk despite himself—it was true, after all.

"Oh, it's no problem, Sasucakes."

He blanched, choking on air at the familiar and hated nickname.

She smiled coyly back at him and he couldn't really say anything when she was looking at him like that. Like he didn't have oratory issues as it was, but that smile was as good as a gag for him. He stared back at her, leaning forward absently, not really paying attention to anything but Sakura's eyes and lips and...

"What? No objections? Hm." She leaned on the table, tapping a finger to her chin, appearing thoughtful. "And Naruto said you hated that name. I guess that one's a keeper, then!"

"Sakura..."

"What? You don't like it?"

"No."

She smiled widely again. "So, you _do_ like it, then."

"No! I _just_ said no," he argued. Conversation would be the death of him one day, he just knew it.

A laugh shook her shoulders. "Sasuke-kun, we've been over this! You giving a negative response to a negative question ultimately results in a positive answer. It's the law of semantics." She shrugged at his lost look, another quiet laugh bringing his attention back to her lips again. "You know wh--"

He closed the small distance between them and pressed his lips softly against hers. Ah, blessed silence. No more talking. No more semantics and metaphors. Just a kiss.

He wasn't terribly good with words, anyway.

**The End**

**Guttersnipe's Word:** Gasp! You should know, this was the very first time I've ever brought myself to write a kiss into anything. How awkward... I hope it didn't come out sounding too cheesy. Well, it was to fill my fluff quota for you readers who requested it, anyway. I'll just blame you all! Whoot! Longlive shirking responsibility!

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! And a big, BIG thank you to all those who have reviewed and put this story on their favourites! It is greatly appreciated!

Later.


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